Girlfriend, Why Does Your Mama Treat Ya So Bad?

Tootie has a UTI and I ended up taking her to Immediate Care this afternoon because she's peeing herself and I wouldn't be waiting for office hours if I had a UTI so I wasn't about to make her wait, either. Our doctor's office did call ahead for us so we checked in and waited for an hour instead of 90 minutes like people who didn't call ahead. I forgot to take a magazine and I wasn't about to put my hands on any of their germ-ridden mags, so that left me with a choice of watching Lilo and Stitch or people-watching. Since I really don't like alien shows or movies I was stuck with people-watching. There was a real cast of characters there. There was a dad with one of the "big pony" Polo shirts who kept his hand on his pecker the whole time he walked around the waiting room. There was "Pebbles", a bossy little girl with an unfortunate name. I can't forget "The Puker", the kid puking into a clear plastic bag right behind me. I don't know who thought that making clear plastic puke bags was a good idea because unless the person puking into that bag is the only one around, it is definitely NOT a good idea. I saw more of that boy's breakfast than I cared to see and I was about to show him what I chewed for breakfast.

Now I'm blaming this exposure to the masses on Fidel, who chose the freaking HMO option for his company's insurance program. I hate HMOs. I hate having to go down to a ghetto-ass facility for something that the nice, new urgent care center in our neighborhood could have handled quickly and easily. Of course Fidel was home in the hot tub while I was getting my hand peed on and watching The Puker upchuck. He missed out on the constant battle to keep Tootie from touching anything in the waiting room as well as the marathon question session that began as soon as I put the Van of Shame into reverse in my garage. I just got a pedicure last week so he can't even buy my forgiveness with pretty toes. Maybe I'll have to settle for a new bra from Victoria's Secret for my troubles.

Green Around the Gills

I went over to a friend's house last night for cocktails and drank too much cheap vodka. Could have been the Jaegermeister shots that put me over the edge but really I may never know. I hate Jaeger but I really think I owe my marriage to it. One day long ago, in a land far away, I loved to go to Hernando's Hideaway for dollar Corona night on Thursdays. One Thursday night in early November, I decided to stray from only Coronas and ended up doing Jaeger shooters. I ended up tapping at Fidel's door since the amount of booze in my system convinced me that he was irresistible, and yada, yada, yada, here we are about to celebrate our 11th anniversary.

Anyway, I was out drinking my face off and didn't get home until nearly 1 am, which is late for someone who drives a minivan. We had drank our minivan driving hostess under the table and she crashed out at 11 but being the leeches we are, we stayed and partied until the booze ran out. Then we washed her dishes and made our way home. We will drink all your vodka but we won't leave you with a messy house.

I made it up the stairs of peril without killing myself and went into my bathroom to brush my teeth. I came face to face with a bottle of peppermint lube that isn't normally stored by my toothbrush so I started laughing and then I heard Fidel laughing in the bed. That's probably enough about that but I had a good evening. One thing I love about that man is his sense of humor.

I Am Coveting Thy Neighbor's Vacuum

You know I've been trying to keep those cats next door alive this week. I went over this morning when I was kid-free to give them a little attention and get the house ready for the owner to return this weekend. I was basically just going to vacuum up the cat litter that I had spilled on the floor but I kept noticing clumps of cat hair so I kept on vacuuming. Their house is all hardwoods since they have the animals, and they have a central vac and I loved that thing! Don't get me wrong, I love my vacuum but it was so easy to plug that hose into the wall and vacuum. Our house is wired (whatever you call it) for central vac so I'm going to put the moves on Fidel in the next few months to get myself one of those nifty things. The price is equivalent to 15 visits from a housekeeper and if I got that neato tool I'd surely do as good of a job as a housekeeper! Yes, I just know my house would be spotless if only I had a new vacuum. Normally I'd just break the vacuum and then replace it but it's a Kirby and I don't think they can be broken. I do know that a Kirby will do a freaking number on your toenails. I have some short, stubby toenails due to a couple of run-ins with that damned vacuum. Before I went on my cruise this past May, I went and got myself a nice pedicure and damned if I didn't run over my foot with that big hunk of metal and take off most of a toenail so I had to go to the Bahamas with skanky looking feet. If I didn't stay intoxicated the whole time it may have bothered me but oddly enough I tend to forget my troubles once the vodka gets to flowing.

I Often Question My Parenting Skills

I've always thought of myself as a fairly decent mother but sometimes I have to reassess that opinion. What times are those? Glad you asked...

Today, Tootie stepped off of the bus and broke down in tears when she saw me. I knew she had broken her good-conduct streak, just by the look on her face. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she didn't want to talk about it. I pulled her daily folder out of her backpack and there was a note from the teacher saying that she had spit on a kid who was ignoring her. I laughed (to myself, I had my poker face on) and asked her if she spit on someone. She said yes and I said, "What are you, a llama?" and she burst out laughing. I don't know if I should have been going for laughter there. I did explain that spitting isn't ladylike and that it's just for animals and that it was never acceptable to spit at or throw things or hit other people. Now I have to get Fidel on that same line of thought since he's the one who taught the girls how to spit in the first place. I don't know how to explain the behavior of men. I catch him peeing in the yard, blowing snot rockets in the shower, feeding my Sweet Prince Rusty his boogers and playing "pull my finger" with the kids. I guess given all of that, I should be glad she wasn't peeing on the playground or anything.

Who Knew?

Who knew that dogs got carsick? Our wiener dog, Fidel's Charlie Bug, is 4 months old. She has never liked riding in a car but she's a little Nervous Nelly so I thought that she just needed some practice to get over that nonsense. Not so much! I took her to the dry cleaners and Chick Fil A yesterday and she puked all over Tootie and the Van of Shame, so now I'm convinced that she suffers from carsickness. The poor thing was all kinds of upset about the puking and of course Tootie was freaking the hell out. She was freaking so bad that I was laughing hysterically. She's in the back screaming, "Get this dog off of me, she's puking on meeeeeeeeeeeee!! Charlie, don't puke on meeeeeeeee". Luckily the puke wasn't really all over Tootie, just her booster seat and down the side of the seat onto the carpet. I cleaned it up and all is well now. The Van of Shame was the Van of Stink for a little while, though. Febreze is pretty good at taking out the scent of partially digested cat food. I'm not certain if the dog puked because of motion sickness or because she had a gut full of Cat Chow but I will be sure to just leave her at home from now on!

Yesterday was the day from Hell.

Cat Update

The cats were all fine! I had to hire a locksmith to come pick the lock to get me into the house, but $75 later I was in. I even told him that it wasn't my house and he still did it, crazy!

Those little bastards were happy to see food and water!

Of All Days to Run Out of Vodka

Since I'm doing WW I've put aside my cocktail hobby. I'm out of vodka and have been for a long time, no need to buy since I'm counting every f-ing calorie. Why, you ask, am I telling you about this? It's because I really need a stiff drink right now. I have had a day from Hell.

My neighbor is gone for the week. She's a crazy cat lady with a herd of pedigreed European cats. Guess who was dumb enough to say "Let me know if you need anything?"!? Yep, my dumb ass. So I go over on Monday night to feed the cats. I reach for the key last night (Tuesday), and it's gone. G-O-N-fucking-E. Gone. I have searched my entire house, my car, my purse, everywhere you could possibly look. Still no key. I scrolled through my caller ID list to get her number, called and left a message saying, "Lost your key, should I call your estranged husband and get a key from him even though I hate him" or something like that and guess what happens next. The estranged husband (We can just call him FE, for "Funk Eye" 'cause he has the wonky eyes) calls me back and snippily gives me the wife's real cellphone number. He got my message since I had called HIS cellphone. The guy beats his wife and kid, I have no reason to hide the fact that I despise him but still it's a bit embarrassing. Turns out he doesn't have a key anyway because the police took his from him the last time he was arrested for battery on his wife and kid.

Do I have a point in all of this? Nothing other than the fact that no good deed goes unpunished! I told Fidel to NEVER, neva, ne-VA allow me to volunteer to housesit again as long as I live. I'm too much of a spazz to handle this kind of stress.

At this point I need to enlist the services of a locksmith or a criminal to get me in that house to make the Great Cat Rescue. Actually, Fidel is coming home early to break into their house since she told us how to do it. I'll let you know if the cats have turned cannibal yet. They are probably dried up like little furry raisins. If that's the case I'll take pictures.

Dear Great Pumpkin

I really need a new laptop, Great Pumpkin. I have five vertical lines running down my monitor, one more than I had yesterday. I've kept this old girl running hard for the past 2 years and I fear it may be time to turn her over to Tootie for www.barbiegirls.com. I fear there is no fixing her and laptops aren't all that expensive. Great Pumpkin, I know you really can't handle distributing gifts to spoiled grown-ups but the internet is my crack. You wouldn't want me to be without my crack would you? Yes, I know there is a desktop in Fidel's office but that would cramp my style. I like sitting on the sofa with my laptop or working from the kitchen counter with her. Great Pumpkin, if you help me get a new laptop, I'll throw a Great Pumpkin bash for the girls and their friends. We can make pumpkin cookies, some sort of pumpkin craft and eat pumpkin seeds to celebrate your generosity. Yes, I know it sounds lame so far but work with me, I can pull it off.

I hope you can come through for me, Great Pumpkin. You have your mission now.

When Silly Goes Too Far

Have you ever been messing around with your kids and said something really dumb that could make you look bad? My kids are kind of obsessed with crabs. When we go to Costco, I have to wheel them by the seafood kiosk thing so that they can see the dead crabs on ice. To make them giggle, I use my hands like crab claws and "pinch" at them. I was lounging on the sofa last night and Tootie pulled up my shirt and started poking at my bellybutton. I would giggle when she poked me and after a few times I told her, "Be careful, there's a crab in there and he will snip you". Can you imagine if she goes to school and tells them that a crab lives in her mom's bellybutton?! I really have good intentions but I need to think before I speak!

Tithing is the Key to Heaven

When I turned the TV on this morning, the 700 Club was on. I was checking emails and just wanted some background noise more than anything so it didn't occur to me to change the channel. There was a couple on there and they must have said "tithe" 50 times in 30 seconds. Now this didn't inspire me to head out to church, it really just affirmed my opinion that a big part of religion is money. It's like one big old never-ending fundraiser. I'm not arguing the merits of it, because obviously there is a lot of good (and a ton of bad) done by religions across the world. I just see the big business side of it when you get into the mega-churches, buying airtime for God-O-mercials, etc. When you donate to a cause, you want it to be worthy. I donate a small amount to St. Jude every month and my husband's favorite line is, "How much of my money actually goes to charity, Jennifer?" and every time I say, "88%, Fidel" and he shuts up for a few months. I'm pretty sure 88% is accurate for St. Jude and that's a fair amount. I understand that charities aren't cheap to run and you have reasonable expenses. However, you do have people and charities that just don't get the point of charity. For example, I knew this woman who had 4 kids, no job or desire to get a job, and a felon for a husband. This family was constantly getting evicted from rental homes for not paying the rent, couldn't buy school supplies, immunize or clothe their children but yet the mother had internet access and kept herself and her husband in cigarettes, beer and money for the casino. Doesn't exactly make you want to open up your wallet, does it? The icing on the cake for the family referenced above was the conception of the fifth child. Let's say that someone gave the Mom of that family $1000. How much of that do you think she would spend on legitimate purchases? If she hasn't already made the sacrifice of giving up cigarettes, beer and internet, she doesn't seem very committed to doing what's best for her family.

I think the redneck comedian Bill Engvall was onto something with his, "Here's Your Sign" line. Dumbass parents should be handed a sign, then have an intervention for the sake of their kids. I'm all for letting people make their own mistakes, but it really pisses me off to see people making mistakes that only harm their kids. Like taking a kindergartener who can't spell their name out of school for 5 days to go to a goddamned dog show, or lighting up a cigarette and logging onto the computer when your dirty little kids are crawling on the stove looking for something to eat. Unfortunately, with Tootie being in school now we are exposed to a whole different world of parents. Things I thought only happened to people on Dr. Phil are surrounding us!

Premiere Week

I love TV. I think that's why I love fall so much, because fall means the return of new TV shows. I'm watching Two and a Half Men and getting some giggles. My friend Carrie isn't so happy this week. She's on her third DVR unit this week, or more accurately won't have it until Friday so I'm sure she is fit to be tied. I'd be Jonesing like a crack head if I didn't have TV. I'd probably invite myself to a friends house and take over a TV. Things like that are probably the reason I have more long distance friends than local friends. I will make a pest of myself and snoop through your stuff. I know no boundaries.

I'm a Lazy Cow

I made Lotta over at Mom-O-Matic a deal that we would write down everything we eat today. I could use a little motivation to get back on the WW wagon so my strategy was to get thin by bossing Lotta. The thing is, I'm so freaking lazy that I'm sitting here hungry instead of eating something and writing it down. I actually think I'm kind of delirious because I'm in so much pain due to a sore throat, or maybe it's the low blood sugar.

I really wish I could hibernate like a bear and wake up thin. I'd just wake up hairy and ravenous and end up eating a chihuahua or something.

My Favorite Witch

You probably already know that I love Halloween. I like to dress up, especially now that I have children. The problem is that for the past 3 years I've had one or both kids in a Christian preschool and that school isn't really into witches. I think if the Baptists gave the Wicked Witch of the West a fighting chance they would grow to love her as I do.

I can't recall a single memory from childhood scarier than that green bitch and her flying monkeys. She was wicked, had the coolest theme song ever and had freaking flying monkeys. She rode a broom around a tornado. Who could top that?

Before you get the wrong idea about me, I'm not really into witchy stuff. Even if I decided today that I was going to start practicing whatever stuff witches practice, I wouldn't get past buying a book and stashing it somewhere to be forgotten by tomorrow. I have the attention span of a fruit fly. I love chunky blonde highlights and I prefer to keep my distance from brooms. Now, if there is a book on commanding your very own flying monkeys I'd be all over that. I'd train mine to make lemondrop martinis and mojitos and dress them in little tuxes. I'd be the coolest lady in all of Georgia with those monkeys!

That Was Too Easy

Hmm... I have a short attention span with cars. Back before kids, I got a new car every summer. After I had Tootie, I kept my Volvo for 3 years which was a record for me. After Moggie, I had to throw style to the wind and I got the Van of Shame, a Sienna minivan. In a color I didn't even like. I've backed it into our fence, scraped up a mirror by misjudging the garage door entrance and the interior is my secret plot to get Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs to show up at my doorstep to tackle cleaning my van, then he can tackle the dirty housewife who allowed her kids to make such a mess.

Anyway, my lease is up in June so Fidel and I have been discussing our options as far as my vehicle. He wanted to buy a truck and let me drive his sedan, but then he came to his senses and knew that if he let me drive his sedan it would look as nasty as the VOS does. Then he wanted to just pay the residual on the VOS and keep it until the wheels fell off. I'm over the van and I want a Sequoia so I made him a proposal. I said, "Let's get an SUV with towing capabilities so that we can get a travel trailer and a utility trailer" and I don't know if it's because I was topless when I said it or what, but he agreed to that! My challenge is keeping him from changing his mind before it's time to actually seal the deal. That means I'll be outside cleaning out my Mike Rowe bait today and keeping it clean until spring. I don't know if a Toyota is worth all that effort, maybe I should ask for the Lexus!

Sorry, MR, you know you have it going on but it would never last between us. I'd quickly forget that you are a sexy beast when you come home with clothing covered in pig shit and sewage. I'm fickle like that.

Sanity Saturday

This week while Fidel was gone I got my hands on our family room remote control and watched me a little TLC and Discovery Health after the girls were in bed. One of the shows was on hoarders and it really hit home! I have so much junk that I will never need or never use so I made the commitment to cull the herd a little. Of course, on top of hoarding I'm really good at procrastinating so I waited until Saturday to begin my cleaning. It's 12:30 and I've almost finished going through one set of cabinets and drawers. I managed to throw out 2 Target bags full of crap so far. Yes, I even keep plastic bags. Expired medicine is gone, 6 boxes of band-aids are consolidated into 1 box.

I'm not sure I'm any saner but at least I have room to stash more crap now!

Sweets for the Sweet

How cute are these? I went to Target before my pedi this morning to get some reading material. Of course you can't just go into Target for one thing so I came away with a bag of Hershey's Candy Corn Kisses. Aren't they adorable! I have them in a little black tub that I use for Halloween candy. Unfortunately the kids have discovered the CCK and I'm sure Fidel will finish them off when he gets home from the office. They are actually pretty tasty, kind of like white chocolate or something. I'm thinking about sending my MIL a little goody bag with these since she loves candy corn and she's ill. Oddly enough, there are bags of these listed on E-bay. Maybe it's all the nonsense that my paranoid but well-meaning Grandmother fed my head but I couldn't eat something I bought on E-bay.

The Pedicure that Almost Wasn't

Tootie wanted to walk to the bus stop this morning, so Fidel walked down with her. Our next door neighbors (mushmouth) have been having domestic issues for months. He's an alcoholic/druggie/adultering idiot and apparently he gets his kicks from abusing his wife and kid. Nice, huh? Anyway, he went to jail on Sunday night/Monday morning for battery and cruelty to children. A protective order was issued so he can't come near the wife or son. Naturally she is going through the process of trying to figure out everything around the house that she's not used to dealing with. She had to take her car in for service so after Fidel and the mom walk back from the bus stop together chatting, they had decided that I would be picking her up from the service department, blah blah blah. I hadn't told Fidel I planned on getting a pedi because he thinks that's a waste of money. I'm trying to work with her and I said, "Okay, I'm leaving here at 8:45 to take "Moggie to preschool so be ready and I'll pick you up from the dealership". But no, apparently that wasn't working with her so she asked me to just pick her up when I was done with preschool dropoff. You know, when someone is doing your ass a favor, don't be getting all picky about times and shit! I get 3 kid-free hours, 3 times a week and by God I want to use them on ME. I got Fidel off to work and I was screaming across the cul-de-sac that I was going to get my nails done and if she needed help from me she needed to be ready at 8:45 or else I wouldn't be available until after noon. Then she wanted to talk about mushmouth being disappointed yesterday when he couldn't play. I was like, "Yeah, I was disappointed that I had 2 kids with heads full of freaking parasite eggs but those are the breaks". There are a gazillion kids in this neighborhood so mushmouth can latch onto someone new because he's worn out his welcome here! I'm ready to wash my hands of that whole family because 1. Dad is a psycho loser 2. Mom won't get a clue and steal Dad's money and divorce his ass and 3. Mushmouth is a little too "handy" with my daughter and he has issues from Mom and Dad and has seen way too much.

The Mom is going to a dog show for a week, taking Mushmouth out of school to go with her. He can't spell his name at 5 years old and he's being taken out of school for a week for a dog show.

I love my house but damn I hate these neighbors.

Oh, YOU'RE Inconvenienced by My Children's Lice??

I'm in the middle of the second battle with the lice. Imagine, if you can, having a 3-year old and a 5-year old with heads full of nits. You are out on your front porch in your too-fancy-for-that neighborhood, looking like a white trash chimpanzee picking bugs, and the little mushmouth fucker next door rides up wanting to play. I told him that the girls couldn't play tonight so he pouted and went back home and the mom came out acting all huffy. First of all, bitch, I didn't invite your kid over because I fucking hate him. Secondly, these 2 beautiful angels have heads full of blood-sucking vermin so I don't think you want mushmouth to come over here and get a crop of his own. Thirdly, who the fuck are you to get huffy with me for rebuffing your uninvited, greatly unlikeable kid?? I mean, for REAL!!??

In the middle of picking my little baboons, Fidel crackberries me to tell me he's on the way home from the airport. I shot him a quick email back asking him to pick up Chick Fil A for dinner since I'm pretty tied up with head critters. I got all sorts of attitude about that. By all means, hurry your ass home so you can get involved with this nightmare that I'm reliving, since you've conveniently escaped all other lice issues. By all fucking means, Fidel, give your PMSing, hungry from dieting, tired, pissed off wife something else to get worked up about.

You know, I've been trying to not waste money but this is one bitch who will be sitting her lazy ass up in a pedicure chair at 9 am after that preschool drop off.

Out of the Mouths of Nutjobs

I read a Mom feature in our local newspaper. This feature allows comments online and you will read the most moronic crap from people trying to sound like Mommy Superior. I figure the majority of the morons are trolls but sometimes it's still entertaining to read. I've cleaned 4 toilets this morning so I figured I deserved a little internet time to let the smell of Pine-Sol clear out of my nostrils and I log on to find this jewel in response to a question about letting girls pierce their ears:

"As I sit here reading all these comments, it amazes me that some of you allow your kids to make their own decisions about piercings at young as 5 years old. Do you really think a 5 year old is responsible to make that kind of decision? 5? Do you realize how unresponsible they are until they hit their 20’s, and even then its questionable.
I thought parents were the controllers and made these types of decisions for their CHILDREN. Apparently, this is what is wrong with our youth. Parents are sissies and allow their kids to make adult decisions at the tender age of 5."

Obviously, I'm grumpy because I've scrubbed toilets all morning and that bitch AF is on the way but I can't stand bitches who act all sanctimonious about parenting. The comment above Mommy Superior's actually called ear piercing "mutilation". Personally, I think a child saddled with a moron for a mother is way worse off than a kid with pierced ears. Really, mutilation? What a drama queen.

Here is my response:

"I do think a 5-year old is old enough to make the decision to get their ears pierced. I have a five year old and I let her make the decision not to get her ears pierced at this time. Do you have kids, Allyson, because a 5-year old can tell you if they are ready to pierce their ears or not. They do understand pain which is about all they are responsible for handling in the process! I wouldn’t let her pierce her ears and then throw her to the wolves as far as upkeep is concerned. If she decides she wants her ears pierced and as long as I am not opposed to that decision, then she’s getting her ears pierced. I’ll take care of them for her.

It’s piercing ears, not getting freaking breast implants!"

Have I mentioned that I like a little internet drama every now and then?!

Lousy Lucy

A week ago today, I got a call from the school nurse saying I had to come pick up Tootie because she had lice. This was at 8:30 in the morning and I spent the next 12 hours vacuuming, treating 3 heads with insecticide for lice, combing and checking for lice and nits, laundry, quarantining stuffed animals and generally cursing life. The lucky bastard that sired these dirty children was at a business dinner after work drinking good wine and eating prime beef, completely missing out on the fun of head critters. He did bring me home a slice of delicious cheesecake topped with the most beautiful fresh berries. He's a smart man.

Anyway, here we are a week later and still free of lice. I've been working my ass off, combing through hair, vacuuming like a freak, flat-ironing hair to fry any nits that may still be around... I still don't have any idea where the lice came from. We did the Barbie meet and greet at Zoo Atlanta the Saturday before infestation so Fidel and I love to curse the louse-ridden Barbie. Doesn't she look like she's crawling with bugs?


Of course I don't think the poor girl really had bugs, it just sounds funnier that way. Lice are really just going around at school and lots of kids have had them. I wish that those kids had kept their critters to themselves but you know kids love to share, especially anything that will annoy the hell out of parents. If I learned anything in the past week, it's that lice are freaking annoying. And disgusting. And can be fried with a flat iron. SSSSSSS

Almost Time to Challenge the JW's Again!

I love, love, love fall. I don't know why, but something about the hint of coolness in the air just gets me going. This morning, in spite of my newfound celebrity, I went to Hobby Lobby to get the makings for a new wreath and some black spray paint for my attempt at making a spooky tree for my front porch. Fall and the Christmas season are about the only times I go out of my way for seasonal decorations, and oddly enough it's those 2 seasons that bring out everyone's favorite cult for their recruiting drive. I know the sight of my big ass wiggling around, pointed at the street while trying to untangle an ungodly mess of skull and jack-o-lantern lights is like some sort of turn-on for JW's because the minute I start dragging my Box O' Boos down the front step I can hear the echos of ignored doorbells across the neighborhood. The smart people run inside and hide but I don't get many visitors so I stay out and continue my Spookorating while teasing the cult members. The first year they attempted to rot my brain, I hadn't perfected the art of expressing my disinterest in being converted, because they came back a week later to continue the conversation. You can't let them down gently, people. They are like the ugly dudes at the bar who won't take the hint that you would rather skinny dip with Jaws than get down with that.

Anyway, I can't wait to get busy decorating for Halloween. I'll be out there on October 1 waiting on some phony salvation and spreading fake spiderwebs.

Speaking of Sparkly Cocktails...

I haven't been enjoying many cocktails since I rejoined WW. I have been missing them in this damned heat, and fortunately for me I have the perfect reason to mix some of these up tonight. I'm playing bartender at a friend's house. Everyone loves these so I thought I would share. I must caution you on these. They are way easy to drink so don't guzzle.


Lemondrop Sparkletinis

• Vodka (cheap is fine, I use Absolut)
• Bag of Lemons, squeezed
  
• Fresh Mint (I grow mine on the front porch, anyone can grow mint)
• Simple Syrup (1 part white sugar, 1 part water, bring to boil in sauce pan and then simmer for about 10 minutes)
  
• Club Soda (I like the small bottles because they don't go flat)

Directions:

In a cocktail shaker, measure 2 parts vodka, 2 parts lemon juice, 1 part simple syrup over ice. Throw in a sprig of mint (or 2-3 leaves) and shake the bejezzus out of your mixture. Pour into 2 martini glasses, leaving room for a splash of club soda at the top. Garnish with mint and lemon, if desired.

These are just so delicious. You can change it up by using raspberry puree as an add-in, pomegranate juice (POM from the produce section), peach slices, etc.

If you are entertaining, you can make up a big pitcher and just add the club soda topper when you pour each drink.

Cheers!

Juice Freaks

Yesterday was Moggie's first day of preschool this year. She went last year so I wasn't in the sobbing-for-leaving-my-baby crowd of moms. I dropped her off in her classroom with a few of her friends from her class last year and headed up to the parent orientation meeting. I've been to so many of these meetings that I could really give the speech myself but I still went because I was supposed to. Anyway, in the midst of the carpool procedures, calendar review and curriculum overview, the subject of snacks came up. At this preschool, about once a month your kid comes home with a big bucket and you return it to school the next day filled with snacks for the class. I normally send in stuff like cheez-its, fruit and apple juice or maybe milk. The preschool director was saying that you don't even need to send in juice or milk because they encourage the kids to drink water. There was a lady sitting in front of me and she started nodding and getting all worked up. I could just tell she was a juice freak. You know the type, never give their kids any juice or sugar of any kind. Yet when those kids come to my house I find them raiding the pantry and after they are gone I notice the empty juice boxes hidden around the house. My girls are allowed to drink juice and usually have maybe 4-5 ounces a day. They drink lots of water and enough milk according to their pediatrician. The juice helps my kids with pooping, too. I don't know exactly where I'm heading with this novel and the adult ADD is kicking in, so I'll just say that I am not a fan of overly-restrictive parenting. I'm seeing the juice as a starting point for control freak moms. Oh my, no, Granola Junior doesn't drink juice, it's not healthy and he has a peanut allergy and cat allergy and has to have his ADD medicine only with Fiji because of contamination in the tap water and toxic metals from the plumbing and could you dust and vacuum with a microbial filtering machine before I drop him over uninvited so I can disappear for 4 hours when I say I'm just going over to the organic market for an item I forgot and feed him lunch since I failed to bring anything for him. But please don't give him juice, refined flours, chicken nuggets, peanut butter or anything processed on machinery that ever had a rendezvous with a nut. Also, he's recently developed a possible allergy to wheat and soy. See you in a few!

If you have to give the sort of run-down in the above paragraph, do me a favor and keep your little high-maintenance motherfucker at home. I have a cat, I'm not vacuuming the entire house for your rugrat to come and drop crumbs all over the place and I'm not coughing up a freaking virgin organic lamb for his lunch. I'll give his ass Reese's Cups with a generic apple juice chaser.

Doggie Clean-Up Bag, Please!

I had to make a run to Petsmart this morning because the Prince of Pee-Pee was out of Greenies and I was getting the cold shoulder from his little attitude-stricken ass. I grabbed a pack of 96 and was standing in the line waiting to check out, and the 2 middle-aged skanks in front of me started a straight-up makeout session. I had the pleasure of watching the guy sticking his tongue all in this woman's ears and mouth. I should have set the scene for you, because you can't get the full effect unless you know that the woman had red hair with a mullet/flybacks combo haircut. The guy was about 5 feet tall, a t-shirt that he had cut the sleeves from and had the cheapest looking tattoos known to man. They were so bad, if he had taken a moment from his dry-humping to tell me that a blind monkey inked him I would have completely believed him. These things made jailhouse tattoos look like something out of Miami Ink. I couldn't even bear to watch them leave the store because I just knew he was going to be getting naked before they got to their car. His feet were about the size of mine (7) so I knew there was nothing worth seeing there anyway.

I don't really have a point in all of this but it was too disgusting not to share.