Chip Off the Old Bitch

Fidel was home with Moggie and me all week because of his excruciating pain from his dental surgery on Wednesday. On Wednesday we went to sushi for lunch, on Thursday we did Artuzzi's with Moggie and Costco and Toys R Us after that, and finally on Friday we did Buckhead Pizza with Moggie. While we were in Toys R Us on Thursday, there was some guy in business clothes with a Bluetooth thing clipped on his ear. You could tell he was extremely agitated by the way he was stomping around looking down the aisles. He had this big scowl on his face and as I got near him he yells out, "Does anyone work here" and I ignored him because I wasn't sure if he was speaking to me and if he was speaking to me in that tone he was making a mistake in doing that since I don't take any shit from self-important pricks or anyone else. He kept eye contact with me and yelled it again, that time I was sure he was indeed speaking to me. Since I was holding hands with my 4-year old angel from heaven and I didn't want to teach her how to say "Who the fuck are you talking to that way?", I just rolled my eyes at him and said "Ugh, I don't know" as I walked past. I mean really, who thinks it's ok to show your ass like that when all you have to do is walk up front and find someone. If he was that pressed on time he should have planned his day out a little better. He also needs to watch his attitude with random moms walking around Toys R Us. He either saw enough of me to figure out he didn't want to tangle, or more likely, he saw Fidel a few steps behind me and positively knew he didn't want any of him. Fidel had a gun pulled on him in our front yard years ago and took the gun from the guy who pulled it and made him cry like a girl in front of the neighbors.

Anyway, on Friday when we were in Buckhead Pizza, a waiter kicked Moggie's chair and she popped off, "HEY, you KICKED MY CHAIR". She actually yelled that at him twice. I had to laugh at her, because the guy really did bump her chair and didn't say excuse me. That kid is a little bitch just like her sweet old Mom.

In Case You Wondered

I have been working out this week. I've done 4 days of 1 hour each. I skipped Wednesday due to Fidel's surgery but I'm working out tomorrow morning before I go to SC for the weekend so that will be my 5 days. I'm not being great about the diet but I can tell that I'm a little more discerning about what I eat because I don't want to waste my burned calories.

Turbo Ab Jam does unholy things with your abs. By the end of the hard part of the workout, I don't even want to look Chalene in the face. I do like the workouts and look forward to doing them. I still don't like Cardio Party so I'm doing my own alternate plan of the 20-minute cardio workout and then either the Ab Jam or Turbo Sculpt, alternating days.

I have an appointment to have a physical (the blood work kind) on Wednesday so I can get the gout taken care of and make sure that I don't have any underlying conditions that made me gain so much weight so quickly. I don't feel like anything is wrong but I have insurance and haven't had a real checkup done in years so it won't hurt anything to get checked out.

That's about it for me! The girls and I are going over to visit my family this weekend, and leaving Fidel on his own. He needs to rest and nap but I will come home and find all kinds of crap that he's fixed or cleaned. He can't sit still when he's bored. I tell you, if he left me home alone for the weekend I wouldn't get out of my jammies.

Drunkorexia

I just heard a new word for an old disorder, drunkorexia. Our news just reported on this disturbing new trend. It's when you don't eat so you can drink your calories and escape your troubles. What's that you say, this isn't a new thing? Exactly. I'm old and I did that shit years ago before I cared about being chubby. I'd starve all day, wolf down one McDonald's kids burger and go boogie. I was a long, lean dancing machine. If 5' 3" is long.

Those young hoochies may have the honor of making kissing other girls trendy, but they aren't getting the prize for inventing drunkorexia. Step off, punks.

Homework or Diapers

If anyone ever gives you a choice of being in the diaper stage or in the homework stage, I promise you that the diaper stage is far easier. Sure, you will be face-to-face with some else's feces but fecal matter pales in comparison to the evilness of a kindergartener trying to avoid homework. My kindergartener in particular has a special gift for making herself scarce when she's needed to do homework, clean up, or anything that will point her in the direction of being a responsible and self-sufficient human being. One minute she's a human tapeworm, the next I am chasing her down and pulling her out of shrubberies to make her write four simple sentences or put away her shoes. Her line of bullshit is so strong, that while brainstorming on tonight's four sentences about the community helper she is dressing as tomorrow, she said, "Mama, let's just say 'Take a guess' and make them guess what I am". I told her, "Tootie. You will be wearing a nurse's outfit as you give this oratory tomorrow. You aren't commando nurse, people will know what you are by what you are wearing". She fought me a long time on that one. I finally got to the point with Princess Lazybones that she was about to need a nurse and I was needing some vodka. Luckily for us both, we hammered out those four pitiful sentences without anyone bleeding or getting hammered.

I would love to write more but I think there will be an awards ceremony here shortly for me to accept my Mother of the Year plaque. Unless they heard me telling her she was going to be on the back of a garbage truck dumping curbies into the hopper if she didn't stop being so lazy. Dammit, screwed myself out of that award again.

Crazy Kid Crap

Fidel and I are watching Moment of Truth and every time I watch this show I kind of play along so I recover some long-forgotten memories. One I remembered tonight is when we were in high school and our friend Travis got a job at the local country gas station. This gas station had one of those signs parked in front of it, where you could walk up to it and arrange the letters. We made the letters say "Trabis likes boys", on the eve of him starting his job. There wasn't a V anywhere in town for us to spell his name properly but we still managed to embarrass the shit out of him.

Old Man in the Hiz-ouse

Fidel had dental surgery this morning and while I'm not laughing at his pain and suffering, he has been really funny today. We dropped Moggie off at preschool, he popped his happy pills from the oral surgeon, then went to Starbucks to chill out for an hour until time for his appointment. He got a 4-shot espresso and a pumpkin thing, and I got a regular coffee with splenda. We sat in the little conversation area and he was eating his pastry, and the next thing I knew I felt something hitting my feet and he was chewing and just had crumbs and hunks of pastry falling out of his mouth, and he didn't even know it. I started laughing at him and then he started laughing and blew spit all over me. I was able to get him in the Jeep and drive him up to his surgeon's office and he had a bad case of the giggles. Everything was motherf-er this, blah blah blah. I left and went shopping while he was being tortured (they even blindfolded him) and the nurse called my cell phone when he was done so that I could pick him up and take him home. He alternated between trying to convice me to have sex with him and asking me to go out for sushi. I agreed to the sushi, didn't agree to the sex.

He's propped up in his recliner now with his laptop and his wiener dog in his lap, and he will doze off and then pop up to type on his computer. It's the funniest thing.

Increasing my Fruit Intake

I had 3 big ol' strawberries tonight as an effort to increase the amount of fruits and veggies in my diet. These strawberries were dipped in dark chocolate and were as good as sex. The funny thing about me breaking down and having my dessert fix is that it's normally during The Biggest Loser show. Fidel and I are sitting our big asses here eating chocolate covered strawberries while watching the people on tv lose gobs of weight.

I did work out for an hour today and I'll do so again tomorrow.

I Suffered in Vain

You guys are familiar with me bitching about the gout. It hurts like a mofo and it's not a pain you can drink away because it's a wicked, sneaky kind of pain that is made worse by alcohol. It's a devil of an affliction to have. I have had issues with this shit for months. We have had an analgesic prescribed specifically for arthritis and gout in our medicine cabinet, unused, this whole time. Fidel was doing an inventory on his pain meds today since his dental surgery is tomorrow and he found a bottle of crap prescribed to him and he didn't remember what it was for. He Googled it and turns out it was for gout and arthritis. That would have been nice to know a little sooner.

Baby Shower in Review

The baby shower is over, hurray! I'm always happier when I have a clear calendar and it seems like I've had something going on since before Christmas. I need my lazy weekends.

Anyway, the shower was a success to everyone except for Momzilla. She didn't like the cake my co-hostess made especially for her and neither of us felt very appreciated. We dug in and popped a bottle of wine before the shower got started and made dumb faces at each other every time we got bossed around or insulted. This whole debacle was actually good for me because I have no reason to let myself be taken advantage of anymore. It's obvious that I'm just a friend of convenience so I will have no problem declining babysitting requests in the future.

Anyway, back to the fabulous party.


Here are the party favors. It's a box with a package of microwave popcorn and the text says:

Momzilla's ready to POP!

Here's a treat
Give it a whirl
I'm ready to pop
With my baby girl

Thank you for sharing this special day with us!

Here is the dining room set up.
We did hors d'oerves so it wasn't a
sit-down meal. And my walls are a
deep red, doesn't show up correctly in pictures.




Finally, we had some munchies on the table
in my breakfast area. The bar setup was to
the right of the table in the picture below. The adorable cake was made by my co-hostess and Momzilla hated it and told my co-hostess so. Of course everyone else liked it. This is the cake we
wanted to write "Ungrateful Whore" on.











As I said above, everyone except for Momzilla approved and thought that we did a good job. This was one of the least-stressful events that I've had at this house so I guess I'm getting better at it.

Wine and Weight Loss

I have had too much wine this evening. I had not intended to imbibe this evening, but Momzilla was over here this morning nit picking, and as the time for the shower approached, I reached for the love in a bottle, Cabernet. I was able to smile through all the criticisms of the lovely shower and managed to not write "Ungrateful Whore" in frosting on the beautiful cake made by my co-host. It really was a good shower and everyone had a good time. I will be posting pictures and telling you what I did in case you ever need any event planning help.

Oh, I lost 4 lbs this week by doing Turbo Jam and eating a sensible diet.