Aggravating People and Making Peace with Cardio Party

This isn't directed at anyone in particular, but just to people in general. If you are being aggravating and someone is trying to say no to you nicely, just chill the hell out. It's the people who cannot take no for an answer that drive bitches like me batshit and make me lose my temper. I swallow a pill every night, make the monthly trip to the pharmacy and semi-annual doctor's visits just so that I have the ability to tell you "no" nicely those 4-10 times it takes before I'm screaming. I'm too quick to say "Fuck Off" and I have made considerable efforts to temper that behavior, so meet me halfway and don't make me lose my shit. That means no passive-aggressive shit, no whining, just move the hell on.

Moving on...

I made peace with Cardio Party this morning. I have been avoiding it like the plaque but I did it and Turbo Sculpt this morning. I now need to go make peace with the shower and the Lever 2000 because I'm raunchy.

Son of a Bitch

I just googled for images of Jeff Healey to use on a hilarious story about Moggie pretending to play the piano and closing her eyes halfway like Jeff Healey, but apparently he died this month (WTF celebrity gossip sites??) and I just don't feel like posting a picture now because it's depressing and unfunny. He was only 41. Cancer sucks. Everyone has seen Roadhouse at least ten times and with Patrick Swayze being in the news with his cancer you would think someone could have mentioned that poor Jeff Healey died.

Someone needs to start a celebrity gossip blog for us grown-ups who don't give a shit about seeing Paris Hilton's cooter or Britney's cottage cheese ass. If I ran such a blog I'd dedicate Fridays to posting scantily-clad 80's hair band dudes, starting with Jon Bon Jovi. Kip Winger would be for week 2.

ETA- Apparently the rest of the world knows about Jeff Healey dying and I am apparently not up to speed on recent celebrity deaths.

Attention to Detail

I was driving Moggie to preschool this morning and drove past a "Prison Work Detail" sign. I crested a hill and there was the orange bus with prisoners walking beside it picking up garbage. Since the bus was taking up the whole right lane, there were two prisoners holding the "STOP" and "SLOW" signs. The prisoner in my lane was holding a STOP sign facing me and he was waving me through like I was an asshole for not being sure whether to continue driving or to stop. I pointed at his sign, rolled my window down and said, "It's that same attention to detail that put your ass on a prison bus". Well I didn't really say anything because I was too busy answering questions about why it's spring but I definitely thought it. Plus I prefer to keep my windows up and my doors locked when I'm driving through a prison work area.

Leprechaun Debauchery

Tootie came home from school today running for the bathroom. She whizzed past me screaming "A leprechaun put green pee in the toilet at school today and I couldn't potty all dayyyyyy why didn't that nasty leprechaun flush doesn't he know that is nasty and the cats will drink his pee if he doesn't flush mama can I have a coke??" That was all in one breath. I meant to do some leprechaun tricks for them last night but I have other things going on and I just completely forgot. I did make the green Kool-aid for her class (she asked me to never make it again because she didn't like it) and I dressed her in green but that was about it for me. I can't drink because of the meds I'm on for the next 10 days and I don't feel like doing much that involves my ass leaving the couch. I have figured out that I can get my workout in before I take my first morning pill and that's a lot better than working out after I take the pill because the medicine wipes me out completely. I had to leave yesterday's neighborhood Egg Hunt because I felt like I was about to collapse.

Momzilla (who I have been too hard on) called me today and told me that her father has prostate cancer and that it's "all hush-hush" and I started laughing because I'm keeping my boob issue all hush-hush, too. Why do we do that? It's not like we have something embarrassing like herpes or hemorrhoids. I'm not even sure that I have the big C but my culture came back negative for bacteria and the rest of my bloodwork was fine. My cholesterol is 195, hormones/thyroid/etc all within normal ranges. My doctor's office has called me three times today to schedule appointments and follow ups and they were so nice and caring on the phone, which makes me suspicious. I just wish I could have the mammogram and surgery appointment this week so that I can either face the music or celebrate being cancer-free with some vodka-based goodness. Instead I'm playing the waiting game and keeping all this shit to myself.

I'm still working out and getting rid of my blubber-gut. I can handle having a big ass but this gut I'm rocking is scandalous.

Cooter

What do you call yours? My friend Ashley and I say cooter all the time but I giggle every time I say it.

If you call yours vagina, please make up something more interesting. Vagina is a word for doctors. My new doctor is a hoot though, she probably does say cooter. "Climb on up and let's check out the cooter". Some would call that unprofessional but I'd actually rather have someone with a sense of humor doing that business on me.

When I was at her office yesterday the nurse asked me if I wanted a pap. I said no thanks, I don't like to mix my business. I had planned to go to my regular OB/GYN practice (that I haven't seen since I gave birth to Moggie four years ago) but then I realized that I actually don't have a regular practice. I was not prepared for a pap so I still declined but I may as well combine the business and have it done there. If I'm not having any more babies there's no need to go to that inconvenient office any more.

Useless Day

Man, it's been a useless day. I had my doctor's appointment to get checked out this morning at 10. The nurse asked me why I was there and I told her, "Well, I have a list. I'm like a car that's been driven to death and now it's time for a tune-up". Thankfully she's a mother herself and she nodded like she knew exactly what I meant. I did have quite a list going. Gout, check thyroid, why am I so fat, do I have osteoporosis, I need more crazy pills, are my hormones out of whack, I need something more than Claritin or Zyrtec for my allergies and finally, why do I snore so fucking much? As I rattled off my list the doctor said, "And memory loss?" and I nodded quick and said, "Oh yes". Then I realized that I hadn't mentioned memory loss and I wondered if I was repeating myself but she must have seen my wheels turning and she said "I figured, by the list". She diagnosed me with CRS right then and there, and she even said it. She said, "Yeah, you have Can't Remember Shit". She went to writing prescriptions but before we made plans to go grab a martini I remembered that I had some breast fluid thing going on so I had to whip out the boobs. She did a culture of the fluid and produced an order for a mammogram and ultrasound in the blink of an eye. She said a few words you don't say unless you really want to scare the shit out of someone but I'm just chilling out for now. My boob-mashing session is scheduled for April 2 and the culture should be back before then.

There is good news in all of this. My nose is whacked out and she said that Nasonex may work for me but if not I might be getting a free nose job, something about a deviated septum. That would be pretty cool. I don't have the courage to willingly have a nose job but if we are in a sensuous situation I'd be game. You know, sensuous (since you was, redneck style) already in there, go ahead and make it pretty. Fidel and I write sensuous notes to each other all the time.

I guess underneath all of this Zoloft I did get freaked out. I thought I was fine but I went to Target and couldn't find my car when I came out. It took me about 10 minutes before I started crying. I didn't even have my cell phone in my purse to call anyone to talk me down. I finally found my Jeep and I have no recollection at all of parking it in the particular spot I found it in. There was an empty parking spot right next to it and wouldn't you know that right before I got into the safety of my car, a girl I know pulls up right beside me as I'm blubbering and feeling sorry for my own dumb ass for not being able to find my flippin' car. I really don't want to talk about my boob issue with IRL people. Even if it's the big C I just don't think I'll feel like talking about it. I bet she thinks I'm divorcing or losing my marbles or something. Who cries over not finding their parking spot?

Operation Thindown Progress

I'm still working out 5 days a week. I work out for at least an hour and today I did 1 hour and 20 minutes. I would have done an hour and 40 minutes but I had to leave to go get Tootie from the bus stop. I normally have some killer PMS but since I exercised in the two weeks leading up to the monthly Hell we must endure, I didn't even notice it. I've heard that exercise is good for that but now I know. You hear a lot of crazy shit about the benefits of exercise and I have been in good physical shape in my day but I guess I wasn't in tune with my body then because now I really do feel better for exercising. I suppose I've seen the light. Or the calendar ticking down to our May cruise...

Too Good for Manual Labor?

Do you know anyone or are you someone who just won't do manual labor? I'm just asking because I was out front trimming our shrubs (it's a gorgeous day) and the neighbor across the street looked at me like I had 2 heads. I also clean my own house (allegedly) which is also looked down upon. I have tried the maid thing and I do welcome help when I'm planning a big event here but for everyday purposes I do a much better job cleaning my house. The maids that were here last time left the glass on my shower all streaky and I had to clean it again before Fidel got home so that I didn't have to hear his mouth about the maids half-assing it. Don't get me wrong, they actually got down inside the shower drain thing and cleaned all that gunk and that's territory I just won't explore. I will pour some straight bleach down that bad boy but I draw the line at anything beyond that.

If I worked, there's no way I could clean this house. Since I stay home, I kind of feel like it's my job. A job I do sporadically but still my job. That I would get fired from if it were a real job. Well maybe not since I'm sleeping with the boss but no one would like me because the only reason I would have said job is because I'm banging the boss. I think Fidel would argue with the banging the boss part but you all know I do. I do have two children and those weren't miracled here.

Too

Too damned quick on the draw, that's what. Ignore this.

Spring Madness

Do you get the home-improvement itch in the spring? I really get the urge to "feather the nest". I think our big project this year will be to renovate our 2-year old deck. We are going to expand it on two sides. One side will have our hot tub built into it, and the other side will be an outdoor kitchen/bar/eating area. I also must have a porch swing underneath. Fidel built a wonderful swing frame at our old house since we didn't have a deck. We spent hours and hours in that swing and I have been jonesing for somewhere to lounge like that. We do have a lovely screened porch room outside our keeping room but there's just something special about swinging in the open air. He even made me a little beverage shelf on both sides of the frame. I am all about the beverages in the summer.

I also want to decorate the bathroom that the girls share. It's still contractor grade no-real-color paint. I think I will go ahead and do that this week because it won't be a real big job. I'm off to get a bottle of water in me before I go upstairs to clean and work out. The girls have wrecked my workout room (their playroom) so I have to go yell at them to make them clean it up. It would be so much easier to clean it up myself but that wouldn't teach them a thing, would it?