Puke, Crap and Money Down the Drain

My children have never been pukers, until this week. We, as a family, have some sort of bug that causes vomiting and the runs. I haven't personally had intestional troubles other than feeling queasy when cleaning up the vomit and crap of other people living in this house. Let's not forget the animals because I've cleaned up dog vomit and slimy shit this week, too.

I was lucky enough to get 2 maids in here today to clean for the party on Saturday. They left around 3 and since then, I've spent my afternoon and evening with my dear husband, cleaning up the diarrhea and vomit of our two lovely daughters. Moggie had a blowout tonight in bed, dragging her poopy butt into the bathroom to remove her panties and let the rest of the putrid slime ooze out of her. She then toddled across her carpeted bedroom to put those poop-soaked panties in her clean underwear drawer, then back into the bathroom to cover up the poop with the clean bathroom rug before she called for some help. Of course nothing works on poop stains like good old Clorox. Except the maids used an entire big bottle of Clorox today.

Instead of doing my final errand run before the party tomorrow, I'll once again be playing footservant to my children. If I'm lucky I can make it to Wal-mart for a few jugs of Clorox and some children's Immodium without one of those turkeys puking in my car. I think they prefer puking and crapping on my nice clean floors anyway. I just flushed that cleaning money right down the drain.

For the Birds

My friend Patty mentioned wanting a big bath tub this week. I have a big bath tub, and the maids are coming tomorrow to clean so I thought I would run some bleach and water through the jets because they look kind of questionable. I never use the tub except for bathing the children and I do clean it, I just don't go nuts and mess with the jets since they aren't used.

I filled the tub with an ungodly amount of water in order to cover the jets. I poured a good bit of bleach in and pressed the button. Notice I didn't say anything about ensuring that the jets were pointed down? Yeah, it's because I forgot that step. Black, gunky mold exploded from the tub and covered me, half of the bathroom floor, and the glass wall to our shower. More accurately, black, gunky mold and Clorox exploded from the tub and ruined my very comfy Target Ultimate Tee. Those maids have no idea what they are in for tomorrow.

I Need Some Style

You know the flamboyant types who can pull off anything because they are so out there? I need to work on my out there because I was chastised by a maid today. My house is a wreck, I can't lie. But, I've been working my ass off mopping and doing laundry and refinishing a piece of furniture, cleaning up Moggie-puke puddles and shampooing carpet. I've even been cleaning showers and toilets, but my house is too big for me to get everything done at once. I can get 2 rooms cleaned, at most, before the kids/dogs/cats destroy them while I'm working on the third. We have a few options here. We can A. move to a smaller house B. sell a few children or C. hire a maid. I have had good luck picking option C in my life so the maid was here scoping things out today. I thought she had a great price and she comes highly recommended from two of my friends who use her. I know she thinks I'm the laziest woman ever, considering the fact that my child was still in jammies at 4:30 (she's sick), and I'm here in sweats and no makeup looking like I've been sleeping all day. I just look that way because I'm exhausted and haven't had time to make myself presentable since I've been busting ass to clean this house that can't be cleaned. Cross your fingers that Fidel falls in love with Elena, or at least in love with her cleaning and decides to keep her. I'd love to have this house cleaned properly twice a month. It would increase my sexual desire and make me cook delicious meals and serve them with a smile. I'll do anything to get this house cleaned!

Cultural Outreach

There is a home under construction next door, and the framing crew is Spanish-speaking. I have taken it upon myself to teach them how to cuss in English. This wiener dog of mine must have a bladder the size of a thimble and apparent hearing problems because she has to go out about 3 times an hour and cannot hear me calling her to come in until I scream, "Charlie, get your motherfucking ass in the house, NOW". I hope those guys don't go home repeating that one thinking it's something good to show off.

Damn You, Laura Ingalls

I was in a great cleaning groove today until I had to pause to hike up to the bus stop to get Tootie. I pulled up the guide on tv to find her something to watch other than "I Love the 80's" and damned if I didn't get sucked into Little House on the Prairie. Not just any LH, but the one where Laura and Almonzo are in love and Percival comes in to rejuvenate Nelly's Place and they fall in love. I can't bear to pull myself away from the tv now. I owe it to Michael Landon.

Zing Zing Zing

I'm all hopped up on diet pills and caffeine and I'm cleaning house like a fiend. I have a call in to a maid but at this rate I won't need her services. I want a maid so bad but I feel guilty as sin hiring one because what in the hell am I good for as a SAHM if I can't clean the house? It's not like I'm busy volunteering or playing tennis or something. I'd rather be mopping than playing tennis anyway. Tennis is one of those pastimes that requires shaved legs and I'm not signing up for anything that requires that much of me. That's just too much pressure for me at this point in my life.

Old People with Something to Prove

Moggie goes to preschool on Mondays, so I made plans to go to a home decor store about 25 miles from here with my free time this morning. I forgot my cellphone at home so I had to come back after carpool to get it in case anyone needed to get in touch with me. As I was heading back to my house, there was a car in front of me on a back road doing it's thing. As I got closer to the car, the driver all of a sudden slowed down to the posted speed limit of 35 and remained at that speed for an entire mile. Then she came to a complete stop to do a right turn into a turn lane. After I got my cellphone out of a jacket I wore last week (yes, my cell has been MIA since Friday) I picked up a message from Moggie's preschool telling me that she puked and needed to be picked up. Back I go to preschool, and once again I get behind another old person with something to prove. This guy, amazingly enough, slowed down to exactly 35 MPH. I could see him grumping and watching me in his mirror. I was like, whatever, I have no where to be, pops. But you could see in his face that he was putting me in my place. I wasn't close enough to be tailgating and I was listening to Blue Collar Comedy on Sirius so I was smiling and not grumping about being behind a slow geezer, so I don't know what his issue was. It's like there's a group of senior citizen drivers with a mission to show us younger people the rules of the road. They have nowhere to be and have lost touch with the concept of moving with a purpose. I could have laid into my Hemi and blown them off the road but I was in no hurry to go get Miss Puke-a-lot. I don't do well with vomit and I was hoping she would have it all out of her by the time that I got there.

Disappointed

I grew up in a really small town where everyone knows everyone. I'm a true Aquarius, a free spirit who marches to my own beat, so to speak. I had a friend, we will call him K, who was 6 years older than me. We were in the same circles in our late teens and we clicked as friends, but our parents read more into the relationship and really discouraged it because he was older, and I was too wild, according to his mother. Well we remained friends anyway and that was the extent of it despite our parents fear of us hooking up. I don't know why mine even bothered worrying about me because I was going to do what I was going to do anyway, but this one guy really got under their skin. I lost touch with him when I moved out of the state 12 years ago and our paths haven't crossed. This morning, I logged onto Topix for my hometown because I was bored, and I'll be damned if he didn't get arrested for running a freaking meth lab. I'm just really disappointed because he was better than that. He definitely contributed to my delinquency when I was a minor, but that was the worst thing the guy did. He wasn't into drugs or any of the other crazy crap a lot of other young guys were into. We hung out at some of the same bars in our early adulthood and if I was getting unwanted attention from a guy, he was quick to come bail me out. He actually got into kind of big-brother mode at times which was cute. I really hope that he can shake this meth stuff. Isn't it sort of ironic that his mom thought that I was bad news? I was wild but I had high standards and wouldn't get involved with the skanky drugs, and meth is very skanky.

Dorks Night Out

Yesterday, Fidel decided that we were taking the girls roller skating. I made sure we were all wearing socks and tucked an insurance card in everyone's back pocket and off we went to Skate Country. We got our skates on and practiced a little on the carpet and finally worked up the nerve to hit the hardwoods. Fidel had Tootie and I had Moggie. We got approximately 1/3 the way around the big oval when the DJ cleared the floor, because some chick had fallen and was being treated with an ankle brace and whisked off in an office chair. It took forever to do that, or at least long enough for me to realize that it could easily be me on the floor, with my ankle at an odd angle and an executive highback chair waiting for me. I lost my nerve.

After skating, we went to Chick Fil A for dinner. Our CFA is the best there is. When you go in, the kids working the counter are smiling and say, "Welcome to Chick Fil A" and look like they mean it. I have no idea where they found such a big bunch of well-mannered teenagers. They must drug them. Their name tags probably give a little puff of some happy pill mist every 10 minutes or so.

Elegant Centerpiece

I think I'm going to commission one of these beauties as the elegant centerpiece for our party next weekend.