Why Am I Just Seeing This??

I was watching Martha today while doing laundry and there was some guy in Tennessee doing a Halloween feast, and he had these most adorable little silhouettes on his stairs. I am so upset that I just saw these because they are so freaking cute. I'm buying them for next year. I have the same wooden stairs and they would have been a hit with the girls.

Too Familiar with Spongebob

Tootie brings a folder full of schoolwork and art projects home every Friday afternoon. This past Friday she threw her bookbag on the bench in our foyer and it remained there until Sunday night when I grabbed it to see if I needed to send in anything with her on Monday morning. I started digging through her work and I found this picture of Spongebob on the back of a completed worksheet. The worksheet didn't have a name on it so I wasn't sure if it was her work but I was praying that it wasn't. Not because half of the numbers on the worksheet were written backwards, but because this particular interpretation of Spongebob gave him, in the words of my eloquent husband, a cock and balls. I was laughing my ass off at Fidel in between moments of being disturbed that my daughter had drawn an anatomically correct sea critter. Actually it's probably more accurately anatomically incorrect since I'm about positive that sponges don't have penises, but when your daughter is drawing penises you don't really quibble about the sexual organs of sponges.

When she got off of the bus Monday afternoon, I showed her the picture and asked her what was going on near his pants. She told me it was a flying worm, and sure enough if you look there's the ribbed area on what I assume is the neck part of the worm, an eye in the proper spot and little wings. It appears that she didn't intend to draw a penis on the sponge but she just chose an unfortunate location for a flying worm. Fidel and I feel free to laugh at this drawing now, so here you go if you want to see what Spongebob would look like with a droopy penis.

Ask Mama

Q: Dear Mama F, I would like to go out clubbing with my friends this Halloween. My wife isn't crazy about this idea.

ps- she is due to have our baby at any moment and already dilated 3 centimeters.

Signed, Nimwit in MN

A: Dear Nimwit in MN,
I love Halloween. It's probably one of my favorite holidays. But if your wife is due to give birth to your child at any second, going out clubbing is out of the question. Just in case a meteor from Planet Stupid fell out of the sky and struck all sense of reason out of your head, going out for something as stupid as clubbing on Halloween night and leaving your wife home with your other kid who isn't sleeping through the night is about as inconsiderate as you can get. It doesn't matter if you have your cell phone or pager. You are lucky to have a nice wife because if you were married to Mama F you would be scared to go to sleep at night for even letting such a selfish, moronic idea flit across your tiny little pea brain. Hell NO, it's not ok. It would be a better idea to smear yourself in honey and salmon guts and run around in a bear habitat screaming, "Eat me, bears" while wrestling with their cubs.

Crafting with ADD Update

So, my little paper mache Halloween kitty got as far as me making the form and wrapping him in one layer of paper strips before I lost interest. He lived on my kitchen counter for 3 weeks until Fidel threw him in the trash because he was tired of looking at his crooked little body. Au revoir, mon chat.

I have to go get a few small pumpkins for the girls to paint this afternoon. We did the pumpkin carving party this weekend and some of the kids were painting pumpkins and Tootie decided she wanted to paint rather than carve. Two days later, she's still pestering me to paint a pumpkin and you know Moggie will flip out if she doesn't have one to paint, so back to the pumpkin patch I go. Fidel made roasted pumpkin seeds last night and they were good so I actually don't mind buying extra pumpkins if I get to eat the seeds. I never knew you could eat the shells but apparently you can since I ate them last night. Who knew?

In other news, I'm having a little girls cocktail party this Friday night. Fidel will be at some business thing so I'm having friends over. I need to draw up a menu and buy some booze. I'll do that tomorrow after I drop Moggie off at preschool. I feel pretty skanky hitting the liquor store at 9 am but I feel skankier dragging a preschooler along to buy booze so 9 am it is. I do make sure to put on makeup and do my hair so they don't think I just rolled out of bed looking for a gallon of vodka. I hate driving the VOS to the liquor store, too. I think I have some underlying Baptist shame about drinking! Thankfully for my friends, I don't have enough shame to call off this cocktail party. I love hanging out with the girls and it looks like there will be about 18 of us on Friday night.

Carving With Crackheads

Today was my friend CVO's annual pumpkin carving party. Fidel even graced us with his presence for the first time this year. Yesterday, we went to our neighborhood Halloween party and after that we went to the pumpkin patch and took a pony ride, played with bunnies, chicks and baby hamsters (yeah I don't get that combination either but that's what we did). We picked our pumpkin, came home and fought, then this afternoon we did our pumpkin carving and pinata whacking. One of CVO's friends is a very nice lady, with a husband who is addicted to prescription painkillers. I just steer clear of him but today he earned the nickname of Crackhead. He was stoned out of his gourd and cut the top off of our pumpkin when I walked away. Then he was stealing my knives and tools that I brought from home to use. I thought about stabbing him but I figured that may not be appropriate for a family pumpkin carving party on a Sunday afternoon. Obviously his last $10,000 detox didn't take. Thankfully he got occupied with scraping out his pumpkin. That must be a difficult task when you are trashed because he took forever. I saw his pumpkin after he finished carving it and it actually looked good, go figure. He carved a cat and a moon. I carved "Touch my fucking pumpkin next year and I'm spilling your guts" and made sure he saw it. I really made a cat face that Tootie requested. It turned out pretty good but I hate lifting the lid off because I like my holes wider and this one is really narrow, thanks to Crackhead. The girls like it so all's well with the pumpkin.

Guess I Have to Tell Him

About 6 weeks ago, I started shopping for fabric and window treatment patterns with my friend, Donna. I didn't tell Fidel. Now that the drapes are ready, I realize I haven't thought this thing through completely. I normally just sneak my bags in and stash them under the downstairs bath vanity until I can slowly incorporate new items into the house without him noticing. If he does notice something, I'm like, "That? We have had that forever, I found it in a box" or something like that, accompanied by a facial expression that makes him think he's crazy, or that I'm crazy and he maybe should just let things be. Either way, Donna's wanting to deliver these drapes to me and I can't really just give him the old standard of a crazy look and "Oh those have been there for years' now can I? Sometimes I just don't think my schemes all the way through. We are both drinking now so we will definitely end up naked in the hot tub tonight so I think I can just break it to him then. "Oh Fidel, doesn't this feel fabulous? You know what else is fabulous? Yeah, custom drapery, you stallion. Oh yeah, ohhhh YESAHHHHHHHH". If any of our neighbors are lurking around and reading this, please forgive me but I am a hooch and I'll do whatever I have to do to get my new drapes installed without a fight. If tonight's activities offend you, please make sure to avoid looking toward our hot tub in February because that's when I'll be working on my navigation system and headrest DVD system for my 4runner.

Bus Stop Drama

Fidel walked Tootie down to the bus stop this morning, as usual. There are probably 15 elementary school kids at that one stop. Tootie is a pretty social little kid so she hangs out and chats while waiting on the bus. Neighbor kid never really hangs out with anyone except for Tootie. Anyway, Fidel and Tootie were at the bus stop and a group of kids saw Neighbor Kid coming and asked what his last name was. One said Taylor, and Tootie corrected them and told them the right name. The other kids were saying that Tootie was wrong so as Neighbor Kid walked up, she said, "Hey, Neighbor Kid, what is your last name" and that kid just busted out in a m-a-j-o-r meltdown. Tears, snot, hysterical sobbing sort of meltdown. For being asked his last name. I'll just come out and say that he just ain't right. If you say y'all on a regular basis you know that that means. He screamed, "Tootie, that IS NOT NICE" at her and got her all upset because she hadn't done anything. She's really a kindhearted kid, unlike her mother. She just doesn't get the concept of picking on anyone or being deliberately mean. Maybe she will develop that trait at some point, god knows she has the genes for it, but she isn't mean now and I am pissed that Neighbor Kid is taking crap out on her. Honestly if he hates her that would be wonderful, I could absolutely do without hearing his annoying little mushmouth crap, but he doesn't have to make her feel like an asshole because he is a freak. I mean his name is on a huge plaque on the front of his mailbox, not like it's a secret. The issue is that his teacher asks him to spell his name in the mornings when he comes into the classroom, because he does not know how. This is a kindergartener, with a year of pre-k under his belt. I guess that's got him freaking out on anyone who asks his name. The mom just turned him around and walked him back home instead of putting him on the bus. She's a gossip too, so she will be blabbing around the neighborhood about Tootie being mean to her kid. This should get interesting. I'm medicated and pretty nice for the most part, but there is an evil redneck bitch inside this ladylike exterior that will get unleashed if she starts with my kids.

Forgot to Tell You

On Saturday, while I was stark naked and soaking wet, the JWs accepted my challenge. They were ringing away at my doorbell, standing between a plastic jack o'lantern and a spooky tree strung up with ghost lights. Luckily for them, I couldn't make it to the door because I already have Halloween candy in the foyer and I was planning to pretend they were trick-or-treating and give them some candy. The guy was wearing a suit and not carrying a bag or anything and it would have been perfect to start stuffing his pockets like a madwoman while cooing that he was the cutest little JW to grace my front porch, ever. That would have kept me laughing for weeks. They parked their car in our cul-de-sac and I was thinking they would try me again since the girls were running around in plain sight and screaming, "Mama, someone is here" so someone was obviously home and ignoring them. Maybe the fact that the girls were naked was enough to spook them. At least they aren't pervs.

Look, Bitch

For those of you who have known me for a while, you know that I swear by giving a "Look, bitch" every now and then. You know how there's someone getting on your nerves and you try to be nice and bite your tongue, all the while thinking about cutting them open and stomping on their guts? You shouldn't just ignore them. You have to give them a Look, bitch and then they will see that they are being arrogant or annoying or stupid, whatever they are doing to bug you out. I don't mean for you to start barking out obscenities at your coworkers or spouses. Sometimes I just give the one-raised-eyebrow look. Some good eye contact and a "don't fuck with me" expression is normally all it takes. Unfortunately, Fidel hasn't picked up on that in the 11 years that we have been married and I have to verbalize my displeasure for him to get the hint that he needs to zip it or have a plate or picture frame thrown at him. This morning he started in on me before I even got out of bed. I went to bed annoyed because he told me my crock pot roast was overcooked and woke up to him telling me I'm taking too long to get Tootie ready, blah blah blah. I'm not a morning person so I took about 3 minutes of this and screamed, "Do not start with me today" and that was that. It's been peaceful ever since. He's been in this critiquing mode here lately and it's getting on my nerves. I was chopping veggies in the kitchen one evening and he barked, "knuckles in" at me like he's Gordon Ramsay or something. I just called him a fucking donkey (also channeling GR), threw a spoon at him and screamed, "GET OUUTT". We do watch a lot of Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares. Watching that crap doesn't magically turn you into a chef any more than watching FitTV turns me into a skinny chick. He's got it going on with his grilling thing but I have been cooking for him for the past 11 years and I don't want the critiquing.

Pumpkin Vodka

I think I signed up for some email thing while I was drunk one night, because I don't remember signing up. Either way, that isn't important. What is important, is the product summary emailed to me this morning. You know I love my pumpkin lattes. Now, there is pumpkin vodka. Can you imagine pumpkin vodka shaken and poured into one of the cute black martini glasses, rimmed in orange sugar and topped with cold club soda? Maybe even a frozen drink with some pumpkin puree, ice and this vodka in a blender? If you could skewer a few candy corns on a cocktail pick for garnish, it would be so cute. I think candy corns may be too brittle for that but I'm sure you can think of something fallish. You could hot glue a plastic spider on a cocktail pick.

If my best drinking buddy wasn't pregnant right now I'd be all over this. But she is, and I'm dieting so maybe I'll have to buy some of this for next fall, when I'm thin. Hopefully some of you can enjoy a tasty beverage made with this and you will let me know how it worked for you.

Merl-Oh Yeah!

It's been a day, chickas. I've been car shopping and it's just horrible. I'm looking at trading the VOS for a 4runner and it's just not working out. Right now I'm negative $2k in equity, but in 6 months I'll be up $1k. Looks like I'm going to be waiting until spring and walking away from the VOS because we can't agree on the numbers. I hate it for our sales guy but I get a navigation system for waiting until spring so that's the breaks, boy. The salesman is only 20 and the poor guy is as dumb as a rock. I could ask for someone else but I like the boy and he drove me around on a golf cart today. I told him I'd probably walk away from this deal and buy in the spring and he's a sad little critter now. I'm a drunk lady because all of this has gotten on my nerves. I've been feeding Fidel booze to get him into the signing mode but so far I'm not winning my case. I see a BJ in the future, championship quality, my friends.

Back to the title... I have like 5 bottles of this wine in my cabinet and I have been overlooking it because I tell myself that I don't like merlot. I popped it and it's actually drinkable. It's a 2001 Clos de Bois and I'm buzzed. On a Tuesday. Still driving the VOS. I don't know whether I should throw it on Fidel and get my car or wait until spring and get a better one. Life is hard, girls.

It May Be Time to Cut The Meds

Last night, I popped 2 Valerian capsules and a melatonin pill, and I had a dream that the Osmonds reunited and went on tour. A tour that I bought tickets to see, no less. I was in the front row enjoying the tunes when Donnie and Marie got into a slap-fight and ended the show early.

I don't know if I'm having issues because of the crap I did when I was young, if my brain is just turning to mush in my old age or if the sleepy herbs or happy pills are doing me in. Really do I even care though? Where else can you get entertainment of that caliber, and for FREE. No traffic, no dressing up, don't even have to get out of bed. Sometimes I have wonderful sex dreams, other times I converse with dead people. I never know what's going to happen when I fall asleep. I guess as long as I don't run across Freddy Krueger I'll be ok. I had the Jimmy Legs so bad last night I'm just happy I fell asleep at all. I have 2 sample packs of Restless Leg Syndrome meds but I'm scared to take them because I am too young to be on pills, except my happy pills. You know once you start on a bunch of medicine it's all downhill from there. Next thing I know I'll be carting around pill sorters and hitting the Golden Corral for a 5 o'clock buffet dinner.

Cute Halloween Treat

Forgive me if these are common or old news, I just saw them for the first time and I thought I'd share. One of Fidel's employees made these and sent some to our girls and they were a hit, and seem so simple to do. It's a Hershey's Kiss glued to the bottom of a Keebler Fudge Stripes cookie with frosting and then decorated with a bow. You could get crazy and roll fondant into ribbons to make fancy bows or just use the gel frosting in the tube. I think I would use the Wilton paste color to color some buttercream frosting orange and then pipe onto the cookie. Either way, you get the basic idea and can do this with your kids if you like.

Weekend Roundup

I made it back from my trip to visit my family in one piece, if a bit tired. It was a fun visit, but too short. I ended up letting my girls spend the night with my dad and stepmom and I spent the night with my mother. We ended up dragging out the booze to watch Joe Dirt and SNL. It was actually a lot of fun.

My dad pointed out that I had a missing lug nut on the VOS and slick tires, so I took it in today for the overdue service and ended up leaving with a new set of tires. While they were changing tires I went to the lot to research new cars since my lease is up in the spring and since it was rainy and boring, the salesguy ended up talking me into driving down to Fidel's office to show him what I liked. Fidel liked it to and told me to buy it if I liked it so we are running numbers to see what happens. He's adamant about not going negative and I agree with him there. I'm ready to ditch the VOS but it's not like I am dying for a new car or anything so if I have to go negative I'll wait until spring and walk in there and throw them the keys.

Back to the evening with my mom, when she got really deep into the cocktails, she told me I should do her diet that she lost 50 lbs on. Of course it wouldn't be a visit with my mom without some mention of my fat ass, right! She said she cut out carbs and ate pork skins and diet Mountain Dew. She says that the DMD made the pork skins swell up and she felt as full as a tick. I was drunk and I told her I'd try it so if I start sounding extra crazy on here just know that I'm not getting any nourishment outside of hog fat and Mountain Dew chemicals. Her explanation of this diet was hilarious. She was trying to say the spanish name for pork skins, like I didn't know what pork skins were and the spanish word would enlighten me or something. There's nothing like a drunk southern woman trying to say something in a language they don't speak. Really it's hard enough to understand us when we are drunk and speaking English. Reminds me of the time I was in Waikiki speaking Japanese to some tourists. My accent is horrible and gets worse when I drink and I only have 2 years of Japanese in me. There was lots of laughing so at least I was entertaining.

That's about all the excitement for the day. Car shopping, cleaning up after a weekend of being away, wasting time on the internet. Hope you have a nice Monday!

Too Picky

I'm not a hard person to please most of the time, but when it comes to my house I am very picky. I was reading a post over at Ashley's Closet, and the comments started referencing housekeepers and then I looked around at my messy house and turned a nice shade of jealous green even though not having a housekeeper is completely my fault. I never found one that didn't turn my hardwoods cloudy or that managed to get the little "funk spot" behind the sink faucets clean. I figured I could half-ass clean my house for free and not have to go out for 4-6 hours while the cleaners were here. Moggie is 3 1/2 and I was in the hospital, in labor, when I fired my last cleaners and haven't had anyone since. I can't say my house looks any worse than it would if I had cleaners. The worst part for me is the clutter and you have to pick that crap up before cleaners come anyway. Once I've done that the rest of the cleaning is easy. I never have to run home "because the cleaners are coming tomorrow" or anything.

Moving on, I'm going away this morning and won't be back until tomorrow evening. It's my grandfather's birthday so the girls and I are going over to spend the afternoon with him. Hopefully I'll have a funny story to share because my dad is hilarious and always does something funny. One time, he bought an emu for $16 and we had to go load that thing up in a livestock trailer. I was smart enough to take the video camera and that's the funniest video. If I wasn't laughing like a hyena in it I would submit it to AFV but I'm laughing and screeching the whole time.

Hope you all have a nice weekend. Remember to save your condiment packets for the uncostumed teenage trick or treaters. Use that as an excuse to order chinese tonight so you don't have to cook.

Idea Thievery

I'm stealing this idea and sharing it with all of you.

You know how every Halloween you get the jack-ass teenagers, not costumed, standing on your front porch with a plastic Wal-Mart sack wanting some candy? Well, that is not trick or treating, it's begging. I just read the funniest thing on our local newspaper's website from a submitter who confessed to handing out duck sauce and soy sauce packets from leftover chinese delivery to the teenagers showing up with no costumes. Isn't that hilarious? I normally throw those packets away but I'm going to go collect some, maybe even ketchup packets, to reserve for the beggars.

Have fun with this one!

Viva Fidel

I picked up the platter from the studio today! I like the way it turned out, hopefully Fidel will like it, too. I wish I had done a border in dots but it's too late now. That's a big green egg interpretation in the middle behind the text if you are wondering. Les painted with me and she wasn't so sure about adding the egg but it worked. She always doubts me.

I have been doing birthday crap for Fidel and my grandfather all morning. I emailed Fidel to ask him to let me know if he's coming home early so I can make sure all of the presents are wrapped and hidden, and he asked me if I needed time to get my boyfriend out of the house. He's also been buying himself crap and putting kinks into my planned gifts. He does that every year and at Christmas. He's difficult at times.

Back to the painting studio... They have a help wanted sign for weekends and I'm really thinking about asking for the job. They do birthday parties on the weekends and I'm actually pretty good with children and I'm crafty and bored as shit so a little job sounds like fun. Plus I can shop with my money and not have to hide the bags or sneak stuff in a little at a time. I'm going to wait until Monday to ask because a lot of times I have these great ideas that end up being dumb ideas within a few days.

Boo!

Does your neighorhood "Boo" in October? Ours does and it's pretty fun. I haven't been Boo-ed yet this year though. I'm going to the mall today and I'm planning to pick up my Boo-ing goodies so I'll be ready. I guess I should get something I like in case no one Boos me. In my friend Chrissy's neighborhood, they don't Boo, they Boo-ze. You drop off wine or cocktail stuff, whatever your Boo-ee drinks. Doesn't that sound fun?

If you have never heard of this, here's how it works. You get a package on your doorstep with some goodies and the poem below, along with a Boo sign. Our sign is just a ghost but if you start this you can do anything you like. You then make 2 goody bags and 2 sets of instructions and go Boo 2 houses. When you are Boo-ed you tape the sign on your door. It's fun seeing the signs on your neighbors doors.

The air is cool
the season fall
Soon Halloween will come to all

Ghosts and goblins, spooks galore
Tricky witches at your door.
The spooks are after things to do,
In fact a spook brought this to you !!!

The treats that came with this short note,
Are yours to keep ,enjoy them both .

The excitement comes when friends like you ,
Will copy it & make it two

We'll all have smiles upon our faces,
No one will know who "BOO"ed whoses places !!

Just two short days to work your spell,
Keep it secret ,hide it well.

Please join the fun, the seasons here .
Just spread these "BOO's" & Halloween cheer .

Include a sheet of paper that says:

You have been BOOED! Please keep it going by following these directions:

Enjoy your treat
Place the BOO sign on your front door or visible in a window
Within 2 days, make 2 copies of this note, make 2 treats & 2 BOO signs
Secretly deliver to 2 neighbors/friends without a BOO .
Keep an eye on nearby front doors to see how far and fast it spreads by Halloween

Ouch. Really.

I know you guys hear way too much about my evil uterus, but it's really giving me a fit today. I'd like to wash down a Xanax with a bottle of cab and call it a day but I have too much to do. I keep hearing that I Haven't Got Time for the Pain song that was in a commercial. I really don't have time for the pain. I need to get off of my ass to clean out the van of shame for my trip to see the folks this weekend. I also need to do laundry, get out of pajamas and dress my child. I just started working on a list but it got so long and depressing so I stopped that right away. I just popped 2 ibuprofens in hopes that I can function once they kick in. There are better meds around here but I have to drive to the mall and I don't want to be all f-ed up.

Oh, remember yesterday when I said it was going to be a long day with Fidel working from home? It actually turned out to be fun. He took me to my favorite little sushi place for lunch, and to PetSmart and Costco. All of this before we picked Moggie up from preschool. Then he made me dinner. He really is a great guy, no matter what I say about him when he's aggravating me. He's saying he wants to drop the girls off with my folks for a weekend so we can go to Charleston or something. Hmm, I need to do a pill count and see what he's getting into because this is too good to be true.

So get this. We were talking about going somewhere alone, no kids, and he's like, well what would we do there? I said sleep, eat, shop, drink, you know, fun stuff. That didn't sound so fun for him so I said, ok, you play golf and I'll shop. Then he told me that defeats the purpose of going somewhere as a couple, which is true. I'm just so used to doing my own thing and I guess I need to think of something that we can do together. Really shopping together works out for me because Fidel does like to shop even if he won't admit it to himself. And I like it when he shops with me because he can't say anything about what I buy because he gets just as much for himself. Plus, he carries the bags and pays.

Help Me, Jebus

The lines on my laptop are multiplying and morphing. I had 3 vertical lines and now I probably have 9 vertical lines and I get blinks of horizontal lines. I had Fidel in Costco today and I was shoving iPods and laptops in his face telling him that I wanted them but he went on back to the meat section like I was asking for something inappropriate. I think when he starts wiggling the wiener at me tonight I'm going to talk about raw chickens at bargain basement prices or something. Really though, I'm buzzed and I've gotten way more out of doing BJs than I have by being a smartass so we all know what I'll be doing later on.

Yay or Nay?

What are your opinions on this as a Christmas tree? I just think if I unveiled something like this in my house, that would be remembered as the definitive sign that I had either completely gone batshit or drank myself stupid. I am a bit biased. I used to work for this guy, Fast Freddy, and he was the most pompous, condescending, delusional individual that you could ever meet. Fast Freddy and Pilly Shells (she's extremely fond of the pharmaceutical industry) had one of these trees in their family room and thought they were ushering in the golden age of fake greenery to their little corner of the world. Isn't it funny how something can be ruined by association? These trees make me want to roll a fattie and sit underneath to wait for a revelation from the glowing lights. Maybe it's just me but I have had some great times underneath glowing evergreen branches. Involving nudity and illicit substances. I haven't always been a suburbanite mom, folks.

Now He's Taking Pictures

Fidel is working from home today. I took Moggie to preschool and hit Publix for a few odds and ends and when I came in, he was snapping pictures of me unbagging the goods. I have on a white t-shirt, gray yoga pants and I look like total hell. I don't have 1 picture of me with the kids that I didn't pay someone else to take or set up the camera to take it myself, but yet he's snapping pictures of me unloading groceries. It's going to be a long day. I was talking to the dog and he slammed his office doors like I was bothering him. I'm about to go upstairs to do laundry and I will bet money that he will be up there showing me his pecker within 10 minutes.

Today, A Very Special Franklin

I have horrible hearing but sometimes it leads to pure comedy. Moggie and I are sitting here watching Franklin and I hear his dad say, "Just tell them you are a fellatist" and my jaw dropped. I have pretty good gaydar and it's never told me anything about Franklin and even if it had I don't think it's appropriate for a young turtle to be a fellatist, anyway.

See, this is where being undereducated and hard of hearing leads to pure comedy. The dad was actually telling Franklin he was a philatest, which is a nice fancy word for stamp collector, not underaged wiener licker. But you can see how I was confused, right? I'm so warped and pleased with myself for mishearing (inventing) a brand new word, I have to work it into conversation somehow. Picture me at a business cocktail party with my husband, too deep in the vodka with my hand outstretched saying, Hi, Jennifer, fellatist. Yeah, he never takes me anywhere due to that kind of behavior.

It's Too F-ing Hot for This

I have been doing my household drudgeries today, like moving the dining room table to mop thoroughly underneath, vacuuming upholstery, windowsills, blinds, etc. Basically I'm crazy as a loon because sane people don't willingly do crap like this. Or maybe I'm having a moment of sanity because sane people DO do things like this. Really, who is to know. All I know is that it is hot as sin in this house. I had the bright idea to open the windows to get some fresh air going on so the air conditioners are off.

The f-ing dogs have suddenly turned incontinent because they are demanding to go out every 30 minutes. I cannot get anything done with them around. I finally get the girls to play without me and get stuck with demanding dogs. Go figure. I did manage to drag the dead summer plants off of my front porch to my skank storage spot at the end of the driveway. I'll be dumping that shit next door in the gulley once the cover of darkness falls and my fermented tonic gives me a little more of that good old don't give a crap attitude.

Random thoughts of the day:

• Citronella plants do NOTHING for mosquitos. Save your money for anti-itch cream.
• If you want to get rid of your children, clean their playroom. It suddenly becomes irresistible and they will stay in there all day.
• Encourage your children to clean their playroom by shoving random toys into a big black garbage bag and telling them what's left on the floor after playtime goes into the garbage.

That's all I have for today, folks. I'm grumpy, sweaty and hungry. I want a maid, a good dinner and dogs that can agree on the same potty schedule. But for now, I'll settle for a Bud Lite.

I Love Being a Mom

I know I gripe about my kids a lot, but let me tell you that I love being a mom. Do you ever have those brief moments that make you sit back, sigh, and think "Life is Good"? Well this afternoon I was sitting in the family room and Fidel and I had been watching a Care Bear movie alone since the girls were occupied trying to poke each others eyes out or something. I turned the DVD off after I sang Fidel a rousing rendition of "Here in Care-a-lot" and ended up on the Fine Living channel. Martha Stewart's Halloween came on (and I think I'm drunk now, I spelled that mathra before I corrected it) and Tootie ran in and cuddled up with me to watch Martha. How cool is that? I try to be a free spirit and not make the girls into mini-mes but I still think it's so cool when one of them gets really involved in something that interests me. There's nothing better than having a good time with your kids and I find that the older the girls get, the more they want to actually DO things with me. Tomorrow we are cutting bats out of this thick craft paper to suspend from our front porch ceiling. If exterior painting interests you, be sure to check in here the first week of November because Fidel will surely have my ass out there painting over the holes I've poked into the beadboard ceiling. That's assuming I take the bats down before Christmas decorations go up.

Don't Hate Me for My Exciting Life

I don't know what you did this Saturday, but I took 2 5-year olds and a 3-year old to dinner at a pizza place. That serves beer... I had diet Coke, nothing exciting. Pizza was great, kids were tolerable. Some kid gave us ONE balloon-hat thing. Remember the part about having 3 kids? Yeah, that balloon hat went over well. I had to time one minute "turns" and keep the 2 not having a turn at the moment from biting the balloons to ruin whoever's turn it currently was. After 10 minutes of owning that hat, I swerved hard into the Wal-Mart to pick up a case of Bud Lite. It's not beer tonight, it's beautiful healing medicine.

I also picked up a few packages of Aquadots and managed to get the girls set up to do that, while fielding 1000 questions about the Aquadots, our blow-up mattress, toothbrushes, dogs, where babies come from, etc. If they could read I would just get a shirt that says, "I don't f-ing know" and be done with it.

Fidel is on an airplane headed for Scottsdale, AZ for a short business trip, so I'm alone until Tuesday night. I miss him and feel bad for him because he's getting a nasty cold, but I'm PMSing like a MoFo so he's better off 3/4 of the way across the country at the moment. I don't know what I did to my wretched uterus to make it so evil, but it is indeed evil.

Anyway, I've got the girls tucked nicely into bed and I'm not hearing a ton of noise out of them. Hopefully they will be asleep soon and I'll probably go watch TV in my bedroom myself. I may pack a little cooler to take up there with me. Maybe I should put in a mini-fridge but that's kind of nuts since I'd just have beer in there anyway. Since I posted this I'll surely be getting solicitations from AA or rehab joints. Don't laugh, after I posted about the lice I got a TON of emails from companies selling lice cures. Oddly enough, Kraft didn't send me any emails but they sure as hell sent me a cure. I heart mayonnaise. WW be damned, they will never part me and my mayo.

Stop the Insanity!

No, I'm not channeling Susan Powter, I'm talking about this. It's a free service that you can use to help stop/reduce the number of catalogs in your mailbox. I just told Fidel about this and I know I'll regret sharing the information with him. I LOVE catalogs. They are like gifts in the mailbox. My girls even love catalogs. I swear if I start getting no catalogs I'm going to kick his ass.

In other news, I took the girls to CFA yesterday and they had a blast. Tootie told me that it was the best day of her life, but then she said that again this morning after I cooked her a frozen biscuit. She's a little too excitable. I sat right outside the glassed-in play area and the girls played while I nibbled on a fruit cup and read a couple of catalogs. It was wonderful because the restaurant was really uncrowded. Then 2 dingbat teenagers came in with their loud talking, calling each other whores, you get the picture. They thought they were cute. The funniest part is when one of them called Adam from her cell and then by listening in to their conversation, it was obvious that Adam wasn't wanting to hang out with them because he was waffling on the details of his plans. It was pretty funny. I wanted to say, Jordan, if you weren't so loud and stupid you might have a better chance of hanging out with this Adam, but you know you can't tell teenagers anything. There were about 6 old ladies giving Jordan and her friend the stink eye because of the whole "whore" screaming thing so they left after Adam shot them down. I missed them the minute they left because instead of listening to their babbling I had to hear the Whistler. The Whistler was a man, in his 50's, and every time he said a word beginning with the letter "S" he whistled. Annoying as hell, I tell you. It was bearable until he got into a discussion on his phone with someone and he was trying to give them a phone number. Unfortunately one of the area codes in our area is 770, so I got to hear him repeat that phone number about 50 f-ing times because the person he was speaking to is apparently deaf as a stone. I wanted to tell him, Whistler, hiss through your teeth to make the letter S so that you can stop the f-ing whistling. I hate the whistling because one of my grandfather's cousin, Owens, whistles as he talks and it's the most annoying sound. Nails on a chalkboard.

The Present is Painted

I went to a pottery-painting place this morning with my best friend, Les. I painted a platter for Fidel for his birthday and she painted a "Go Dawgs" platter. I love her despite that whole dawg thing.

I printed the Fidel text pictured and painted it in green across a plain white square platter. I then free-handed an artsy silhouette of a Big Green Egg behind it, in black. It turned out really nice, I can't wait to see it after it's fired. I'll be sure to take a picture.

Les and I had fun and we have decided to paint often. It was relaxing. Once again, it's one of those things that would be much more fun with adult beverages. It was fun with a latte, would be extra fun with wine. Maybe we can do a girls night out and BYOB. If you haven't tried painting pottery, go give it a whirl.

I'm about to go get in a luxurious Friday afternoon nap since Moggie just crashed out. I can sleep for 2 hours then I will pick Tootie up from the bus stop and drive both of them to Chick Fil A to play as a treat. Hope you have a great Friday and a nice weekend!

My Muffin Top Runneth Over

I put on a pair of jeans for the first time since the last time it was too cold for shorts here and my muffin top is just outrageous. To spare the public I am wearing a long enough shirt, I just wish more people would follow my lead. You know who you are. Muffin tops aren't sexy so cover that shit up.

The good news is that the jeans make my ugly shoes look better. I bought these sketcher things because I wanted a less expensive casual shoe and I liked the shape and color of these. Now that I know they work I'll buy some real shoes. Fidel found these shoes and said, "What in the hell are these?" and I said, "My shoes, wtf do you think they are?". He then told me that they are ugly and I'm rude. Fashion advice from a man who wears a bright yellow t-shirt covered in shiny silicone caulk. Sweet.

Anyway, I'm off to paint a platter for the love of my life for his upcoming birthday next weekend. I'm actually not spending his birthday with him because I'm going to SC to spend the weekend with my grandfather who is turning 85. My Papa is the greatest man alive and he's not in the best of health, and Fidel is planning on going to the Big Green Egg festival so he will be staying in Georgia. And keeping the dogs, ha ha!! Sucker. Before you make fun of him for going to a green egg festival, let me refer you to the post below with the picture of the rib roast. You would become a dork enabler, too, if you had such delicacies placed before you on a regular basis. He cooks about 5-6 times a week so I am happy to support that hobby. I like meat. He has meat. That's a match made in heaven.

Crack in a Cup

Tis the season for Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks. I had one on Wednesday and I'll have another one tomorrow morning.

I remembered that I had the Coffeemate pumpkin-flavored creamer last year and it's good, but I also found the Monin Pumpkin Spice syrup so this may be a good purchase. Fidel, being that he's spoiled, has a fantastic Jura Capresso machine in the kitchen so we have awesome pressure-brewed coffee here. I can froth the milk and make my own crack here, for nearly free.

Don't get me wrong, if the Starbucks I drive by on the way to Moggie's school had a drive through this wouldn't be an issue, but having to get out of the car in my pajamas to get my crack is just too embarrassing. There are always business guys there in ties and I just picture them thinking, "Is this what my wife is doing?". Yes, that's what she's doing, dude. She's getting her Starbucks fix to gear up for the Target fix. It's a vicious cycle.

The Summer of My Discontent

This spring, Fidel's business underwent major growth, but with growth comes more bills and so we have been really conservative with money this entire summer. Fidel gets used to this but it's killing me. I like to shop. I also like to go on vacation and we didn't even take a weekend trip this year. I really think that I'm more high-strung when I don't get a vacation fix. Our anniversary is in January so if he loves me he will find someone to take care of our children and dogs and cats and turtle so that he can take me somewhere halfway spectacular and drop me off at the spa while he goes golfing. And I'm not talking a spa where they serve cranberry juice and steamed salmon medallions for lunch. I want a spa where they mix champagne and orange juice for breakfast and graduate to straight champagne for lunch. Every time I sit in the pedicure chair I think how much better life would be if champagne was served as I'm getting my feet scrubbed. I told Fidel that I would like a boozing nail place and he suggested that a topless nail place would go over much better. I have boobs of my own to look at dude, I don't need nipple contact as I'm getting my calves massaged. Besides, I get the heebie-jeebies enough seeing the ladies come in with the big old curling-under gross ass toenails. This one time I was sitting there having a mini-panic attack because this lady's toenails were so freaking scary. I was ready to flee, barefoot and covered in scrubbing salt. Instead I took a deep breath and shoved my magazine in front of my face so that I couldn't see them use the horse hoof trimmers I know they had to use to cut through those bad boys.

Anyway, I'm dying to go somewhere. I'd even be happy to go to Dollywood. I'd prefer to go to Charleston and drop the kids off with my family. Normally I wouldn't consider such an idea but I am desperate. Besides, they have kept my nephew alive for a few months now since my skankbag sister doesn't take care of him. I normally choose caregivers using factors like interaction, positive influence, healthy meals, etc., but at this point I'd just be happy to settle for them keeping the kids alive for 3 days. Mommy's desperate. Keep them alive, don't call me unless they are bleeding. On second thought, you have the same blood type so just give them some of your blood.

We Miss You

I'm getting postcards from WW saying, "We miss you". I signed up for monthly pass so they are still getting my money but apparently they still want me to come in to get weighed. If I could pay more and have them come to me, I'd totally do that. I bet they don't do that because things would get ugly. I would see the WW van pull up, and I'd run out the door with a bag of Reese's Cups in my hands. They would have to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun like a bear and then drag my fat, slobbering ass up on a scale. I don't see that working. It would definitely give the neighbors something to talk about, though.

Anyway, I'm dragging my ass to WW this morning to get back on the wagon. Yee-f'ing-haw. Even going to WW is better than watching Sylvia Brown on Montel. She's like a grouchy little troll. People are all emotional asking her questions about their ghosts and she's all monotone with no expression. If I have a ghost in my house messing around, I want somebody with some emotion. Get excited, bitch! I'm not telling you about my boring breakfast, I'm talking about a freaking ghost. I want eyes bugging, mouth in an O, hands on cheeks. Then you say, "Holy Shit, you have to move NOW"! Then you say, "Just kidding, boil some garlic and cross your eyes and the ghost will go into the light" or something else easy but effective. I don't have a lot of patience so I think a ghost would just give up on me. It could scare me a time or two but after that I'd be telling it to get a new game or get lost. I'd be the first person in history to have a ghost give up and sit down to watch some tv.

I Know I'll Regret This One

I took Knocked Up back to the Kiosk of Wonder at Kroger today and gave the kids an opportunity to pick a movie. They chose Monster House. Now, Tootie has already seen it. I took her with my friend Mindy to see it in the theater last year, in 3-D no less. It's a pretty scary movie. Tootie is 5 and Moggie is 3 1/2 and both of them are propped up in the family room watching it now. I fully expect all kinds of nightmares from this but for now both of them are enjoying it. Of course that house hasn't started chomping up dogs and kids and I pray that Moggie falls asleep before that excitement begins.

Tootie drew a really neat, if a little disturbing, series of pictures after she saw this movie in the theater last fall. As long as they don't start bending their index finger and chanting redrum we will survive.

In other news, the paper mache cat has it's first layer of paper strips drying as we speak. It looks pretty good!

Crafting With ADD

I love doing crafts, but I normally just go to Michael's or Hobby Lobby to buy supplies and then tuck them away, not to be seen again for months. I can't tell you how many times I've pulled bags out of my little hiding places and thought, "What in the hell did I plan to do with this?". Every day can be like Christmas around here if you just know where to look. An out-of-the-way cabinet, beneath a guest bed and the tops of bookcases can yield all sorts of treasures.

Where am I going with this, you ask? I'm going past all that crap and straight to paper mache. I have newspaper, glue, flour and water so I'm about to get busy shredding and soaking. I bought this little craft book yesterday that has a really cute paper mache cat for Halloween so I'm going to give it a whirl. I'm planning to do some candy corn-shaped forms for Moggie to let her play along with me since she's home with me on Tuesdays. This will, of course, subject me to the wrath of Tootie since she believes that no crafts should be done, nor any Chick Fil A be consumed while she's at school. That just puts me in the position of having to hide the evidence of the day's fun before 3, when I normally had until 6 to hide the fun stuff. I'm finding that hiding isn't really necessary any more because Moggie is really forthcoming about our activities. All you need to do to find out what Mommy has been up to is ask Moggie. Most days you don't even have to ask because the moment she sees Tootie's face things like We went to Shick-fil-ay today and I rode the stairs and the miracle round and got new clothes at Gymboree just tumble out of her mouth. She just doesn't understand the allure of being mysterious.

I'm off to make a mess and a couple of paper mache forms that will never get finished. I would promise you pictures of the progress but I just can't lie. If by some miracle I get as far as finishing the project then I'll take pictures. If you don't see pictures you can be assured that I've added yet another eyesore to my growing collection.

THIS is Why I Love Fidel

This is what we had for dinner on Saturday night. How delicious does that look? He also roasted asparagus on the grill and I made garlic mashed potatoes. This man is a genius on his Big Green Egg. And before you judge, I do own beautiful platters for presentation but Fidel is just oblivious to the entire concept of presentation. He's excused because he's handsome.

I think Tootie ate her body weight in beef but picky Moggie wouldn't taste it. Now that I think about it, she hasn't had a bite of beef her entire life. She only eats chicken. More for me!

I do make fun of Fidel for taking pictures of his food and being a total dork about bbq but obviously I do reap some good benefits for his hobby. I'm normally not happy to be his errand girl but he sent me to the meat market last week to get this roast and I hopped in the VOS without so much as an eyeroll. I hauled home 60 lbs of pork roasts and this beautiful rib roast, nevermind that I hate raw meat smell.

In other news, I got the emissions test done on the VOS. She's still shameful but environmentally friendly for another year. After that was done, I went to Wal-Mart to get Denorex for lice and chicken nuggets for Moggie, and forgot both of them. I got distracted by the Halloween stuff and then I started doing research on Christmas toys. I had my first Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. No-fat, no whip and it was still tasty. If they could make it sugar free we'd be in business. I almost bought some Alli while I was in Wal-Mart but I ate like 6 vanilla sandwich cookies last night and I haven't been to WW in 3 weeks so I figure I need to make more of a commitment before I spend money on Alli. Fidel would call that being financially responsible, which is something he's big on. I almost felt him patting me on the back as I steered my cart past the Alli display.

Holy Mayonnaise!!

I was really not wanting to pour more chemicals on Tootie's head, and since I hadn't tried the mayo treatment for lice I decided to just do it. I slathered her head with half a tub of Kraft Real Mayonnaise and tied a Wal-Mart bag around it for an hour and laid her up on the kitchen counter to rinse and comb. I had a little bowl thing to rinse my lice combs in and you would not freaking believe the bugs I got out of her head. I was to the point of tears last night because she was scratching, I was finding nits but I could never find any bugs and I was seriously positive that I had covered every millimeter of her head. I was pulling out dead brown bugs the size of this letter I, and bigger. With all of the chemical treatments I never saw a bug. With flipping mayonnaise I probably pulled 40-50 lice out of her head.

Now I'm off to burn up my laundry machines and vacuum. I must add that Fidel was, for once in this whole GD nightmare, a HUGE help. He manned a comb and he's about to get busy with the vacuum. I don't know if I should reward him with sex or give him the night off since I've been mauling him here lately.

Lice Are Big Business

I am beginning to think that I am cursed because Tootie has freaking lice. AGAIN. I'm not an expert in head lice and I do not understand how we can still have them. I brush, pick, treat with insecticide, brush, pick, treat, brush, pick, treat. Yet she digs and scratches and turns her hair into a complete rat's nest. I will admit I have looked down my nose at parents who chop off their little girls' hair because of lice. I thought that was the lazy way out and if you just worked harder at getting rid of the lice you could do it without getting the kids hair cut. One of my great strengths is my ability to admit that I was wrong, and let me tell you how wrong I was about head lice. I have worked so hard at getting rid of these little bastards. I think the Kirby vacuum bag factory had to work overtime to keep me in vacuum bags. The CEO of the company that makes NIX probably has a wonderful year-end bonus coming to him. Hairbrushes and combs? I have resorted to throwing them away. I'm throwing decency to the wind and taking Tootie to Wal-Mart to get her hair cut a few inches. I know that's not the answer to the lice issue but at least it will be less to comb.

I've never wished that my children had been born boys but right now I'm having fantasies about buzz cuts and louse-free hair.

Anyway, I'm off to donate yet another $50 to the cause in a futile attempt at getting rid of these mother-f'ing lice. I guess I can at least be grateful that only one person in our house has them. I'm ever the optimist.

Wal-Mart Nightmares

I found this article on Fark last night about a whiny-ass mom complaining about Wal-Mart's Halloween display giving her kids nightmares. I can sympathize to a point about nightmares about things I've seen in WM, but wouldn't you feel a bit stupid complaining about an animated Halloween display? When I was a kid, my parents paid good money to send me to haunted houses to get chased around by some redneck with a bladeless chainsaw and I turned out just fine. I would run and cry, come out of the haunted house with chunks of lard stuck in my hair and hop my ass in line to do it all over again. At this point in my life I'm questioning what the rednecks were thinking when they were making the supply list for the haunted house but there are some things that none of us will ever understand and I'm sure that's one of them. They always had lard and it ended up in your hair. Boo!

You will never see my parents on a Parents of the Year poster, but one thing they were really good at is not coddling me or insulating me from the world. I grew up with my eyes wide open, able to come up with a solution to lots of issues that other kids struggled with. I can just picture the look on my mother's face if I started whining about a Halloween toy giving me nightmares. She would be like, "Whatever, just don't wake the rest of the house". No way my mom would have been in an article complaining about WM giving me nightmares. She may be a cold-hearted snake but at least she raised some confident kids. Well, one confident kid and one total trainwreck but who's perfect?

Hello, Kyle

Hello, Kyle. It's good to see you again. I'm really feeling the scruffy face you have going on. It works for you.

Really, isn't he a sexy beast? I don't even mind watching a show about football to get my Kyle fix. Who am I kidding, I'm a junkie for the eye candy. I watch Mike Rowe shoveling animal turds for Chrissakes.

I'm a total skank because after my date with Kyle is over, I'm going to hang out in the hot tub with Fidel. I'm ovulating and drinking wine so I hope the neighbors aren't looking over our way tonight!

Adventures in Domesticity

I'm little Suzy Homemaker today! I have shampooed Fidel's office carpet and our breakfast area rug, shopped at Target for cat food, toilet paper and Pine Sol, Costco for groceries and I've prepared a delicious gourmet dinner. Well, prepared may be a stretch but I did buy some ready-to-cook stuffed salmon and a clamshell of salad for dinner.

I went to Costco after I picked up Moggie. She loves the refrigerated produce room there, but the highlight of today's trip was her ride on the Fisher Price Smart Cycle. That is actually a cool video game thing and I'm going to discuss it with Santa. That should keep her in her playroom some and that a gift for Mom and Dad! She begged me to stay there and play while I shopped for groceries but I didn't think that was a great idea. My neighbor would have totally let her kid stay there and play. He is 5 1/2 and about 2 years ago she dropped him off in Wal-Mart's toy department while she shopped. She was peeved when she got called to Customer Service to fetch him. Can you believe that? I don't let my kids go to the next aisle without me and she's dropping him off in the toy department to go shopping. I pray that they relocate for a job transfer or something because that whole family is strange. She's eastern European and the first time Fidel met her and the kid was Halloween of last year because we had just moved in. I was inside and Fidel was handing out candy and he is pretty friendly and was joking around with the trick or treaters. She walks up the steps and the kid says, "Trick or Treat", and was dressed as a vampire. She introduced herself so Fidel was talking back to her in the Dracula voice and told the kid he was doing a great job with the accent, and it turns out that's their real accent. I laughed about that one for a long time.

Oh, I was able to resist the temptation of the wine yesterday until 8:30. I ended up drinking 3 glasses as I watched The Office and ER and then I mauled Fidel.

Never, EVER

Never go to Gymboree the first day Gymbucks are being redeemed. I spent an HOUR in line. Moggie was hiding in the clothes but she was quiet, unlike that kid Jake right behind us. Now you can't blame a kid for losing it in that mess because I was about to lose it, but let me tell you how happy I am that Fidel is sterile and barren. I think you lose the patience with the babies when you are done having them! Not only that, but I couldn't bear to get back into the whole equipment-needing stage of motherhood. I saw really big kids, looked like kindergarteners in strollers today. Don't get me wrong, I do miss the big old cargo area to hold all of my crap when I'm shopping but I think I'd get one of those nifty shopping trolley things before I hauled a stroller the size of a semi in and out of my car.

As always, I have no point here but I'm doing my time killing so that I don't start drinking the bottle of wine I just opened to make spaghetti sauce. I don't drink before 5 except for Fridays between Memorial Day and Labor Day, or if I'm on vacation. It's just not ladylike and I'm all lady. I've actually been having fun in the kitchen, chopping garlic and onion for my sauce. We are having baked spaghetti with ground beef and italian sausage. I put down a layer of ricotta cheese and parsley, then the cooked pasta, then top with sauce and top that with mozzarella and parmesan. Bake until the cheese is melted and there you go. It's really good and simple.

I got to watch a little Comedy Central today while Moggie was napping and Mad TV was on. There was a guy telling how his wife wanted a watch but he just put a clock over the stove. That really seems like something Fidel would say because he loves to tell me to get my bitch-ass in the kitchen if he talks to me in the afternoon. He's sweet like that.

Spooky Tree

Since you asked...

I found this tree in our woods so yesterday I got a saw from Fidel's workroom in the basement and I sawed this limb off. I then spray painted it black (or mostly black, until the can of paint ran out and then I just gave up), stuck it in a flower pot of dead strawberries, and then stole rocks from the lot next door to prop it up. Then when Tootie got home from school we added lights (candy corn colored) and fake spiderwebs.

It doesn't look spectacular at the moment but I'm waiting until I'm kidless tomorrow morning so I can hit a few stores to find something to hang. I'd like some skeleton parts or bats, depends on what I find. I'm also going to get some burlap to wrap the pot and mask the rocks. I'll take another picture when I'm done but for now you can get the basic idea. My kids absolutely love the tree. They were hanging out on the front porch all night last night.

Here's a Way to Get TP'd

I clicked onto FARK.com this morning so that I could avoid another viewing of the Talking Words Factory, and I saw a headline about Halloween being a satanic ploy by the Enemy for our children. I'm selfish and I only want the children to be used in my personal ploys so I had to check it out. Turns out it's an article on 700 Club.com so now Pat and Company have my IP address. Great.

Here's an excerpt from the article:

Consider your options. There are many message-driven alternatives to offer, other than a bowl full of candy. For instance, there are Gospel tracts designed for trick-or-treaters that can be purchased online or at your Christian bookstore. You might also want to consider designing your own tracts or attaching scripture messages to the treats.

Scripture Candy, the makers of Fish Mints™ contain wrappers that have scriptural text. Also, EvangeCandy,"the only candy with color-coded Gospels on every wrapper" are fun for children.

This Halloween, spiritually invest in your neighborhood children and don't make the mistake that I have made of ignoring the doorbell. Please do not shut yourself off to this generation. You have a unique opportunity to invest in the Kingdom of God without even leaving your home. Suffer not these little children and consider how you can protect them from the hauntings of the Enemy.

Can you imagine handing out leaflets and preaching to trick or treaters? Can you imagine, in today's multicultural world, that someone would be so audacious as to assume that children on your doorstep are even Christian? I am a religious person, but I don't agree with pushing your religion on the world. I'm also an involved parent and I would really have a problem if an organization tried to recruit my kids for anything. If you don't want to participate in Trick-or-Treating, that's fine, just turn your light off. Chances are if you are the type of person to try and preach to children on Halloween night, people know to avoid you anyway.

I seriously got a stare-down from 2 skirt-wearers yesterday while I was picking out Halloween decorations at Michaels. You know what skirt wearers are. Not normal skirts, but the long frumpy ones, worn with sneakers, a t-shirt and maybe even a vest if they want to mix it up a bit. Picture the Duggar mom look. The skirt-wearers were standing at the end of the Halloween aisle glaring at me. I wanted to say, BOO!, but I didn't because I don't want to be known as the psycho lady in Michaels. I did make eye contact long enough to make them uncomfortable so they scampered off.

Loonies

You know, I think I'm the biggest looney of them all because people have been all over my nerves this morning. I really think that the Evil Uterus is behind all this annoyance but really stupid people do play their part.

I started working on my spooky tree this morning and I have it on the porch, ready to decorate. I need some spiderwebs and other stuff to decorate it so I went down to Hobby Lobby. They didn't have a whole lot of Halloween stuff but I was trying to look at what they had and there was this woman in the aisle who had no concept of personal space, and on top of that she was humming Christmas songs really loudly. I left and returned to that aisle three times to get away from her weird ass and I wasn't able to shake her so I ended up leaving and going to Michaels. I did find a little crap there so I'm all set to decorate my tree when Tootie gets home from school this afternoon.

After I got Moggie from preschool and ballet, we hit CFA for lunch (yes, again) and it took me forever to get out of the drive-through line because this old goat in a van stopped and blocked me in. She wasn't ahead of me in line, she was coming from behind me and apparently had a hard time deciding if she wanted the drive-through or a parking spot, so she just stopped in the middle of traffic and sat there. She is obviously very important, at least in her own mind. So I'm sitting there and finally I got tired of that so I screamed at her to move and she did. I decided right then that I'm staying home for the rest of the day and I'll be opening a bottle of wine at 5:30.

Nap Sensors

I'm a big fan of naps. I like to lay on my couch with the soothing sounds of Noggin in the background, as the gentle winds from the ceiling fan blow. I have a special nap blanket and a special nap buddy, my chihuahua Rusty. He's almost 11 years old and nothing that wasn't born from an egg can make him happier than seeing me horizontal with the nap blanket pulled over me. His one good eye just lights up as he dives under the blanket to cuddle on my belly. See how blissful I get about naps?

Well I have a couple of friends that have built-in nap sensors. The minute I drift off they will call and wake everyone. Never mind that I spent an hour chasing Moggie around in our yard to tire her out so that she would nap. It really drives me nuts because I don't hide the fact that I nap. I tell them, "Moggie and I nap between the hours of 1 and 3" but yet they still call. For nothing. Because they are in their cars and are bored. I promise you that I'm not that entertaining to talk to when I'm woken from a nap so I don't know why they can't take the hint. I just turn the ringer off now and hope that no one needs to get in touch with me.

Do you wonder why I'm telling you all this? It's almost 1, we have all had lunch, and Moggie is laying down in Fidel's recliner humming her sleepytime song. It's time to turn off the ringer and pull the nap blanket out. Somewhere, my friends are finishing up their errands/workouts/tennis lessons/whatever they do and digging out the cellphone to keep them company in the car. I think they need to invest in some good CDs or audiobooks.

Tootie Gos a Fevr

Tootie is in kindergarten and she's learning to sound out her words and write them down. I'm very impressed with her progress but sometimes I can't help but to giggle at the stuff she writes. She has a fever this morning so she is home with me. I emailed her teacher to let her know she won't be there today but apparently email isn't quite personal enough for Tootie because she grabbed a pen and robbed Fidel's printer of paper to write out a note for her teacher. The first sentence was Tootie gos a fevr and she had drawn a picture of the school and then put an X over it. Then she drew a picture of herself with this funny bug-looking thing hopping out of her mouth. I asked her what it was and she said that was her fever.

Of course Fidel had to micromanage the sick day. He laid down the law of no playing, no going out for lunch or shopping, no going outside. You would swear he thinks I'm some moron he hired to babysit the kids if you overheard him sometimes. I wanted to say, "Actually, I'm taking her to run a freaking 5k and then we will hit Longhorn and have a couple of beers before we come home". I mean seriously, I can handle a sick day. He should probably be evaluated for mental disorders because obviously he has forgotten who takes care of him when he's sick and if you have ever known anyone with a penis, you know that they cannot be quietly sick. When I'm sick, all I want to do is rest and be left alone. If possible I stay in the bedroom so that I'm not disrupting the rest of the house. Fidel, however, likes to hole up in the family room so that he's disturbed by everything, and then I get to hear about it and try to make it go away. That's in between the constant requests for water, more ice, snacks, books, magazines, remotes, etc. I have Tootie set up on the couch with a L-Max, a glass of ice water and a marathon of Noggin. I think I could manage of army of sick kindergarteners with a Noggin marathon.

Chick Fil A? Not Today!

I had a busy morning of running around this morning, redeeming a free panty coupon and paying my Victoria's Secret bill, going into the Sephora coma for a hour until I got snapped out of it by my ringing cellphone, you get the picture. I wasn't out volunteering at the animal shelter, I was being selfish and doing some shopping for myself. I got another full-coverage uplift bra from VS and that was pretty fulfilling. If you have big boobs and have given birth, you would love this bra. It has padding underneath to push the girls up to their original position and it's very comfortable. I also got Moggie a cute little outfit from Gymboree for her school pictures on Wednesday. I wanted the new Glamour Kitty line but they didn't have it out and said they wouldn't get it until tomorrow and I didn't want to wait so I went with a cute scottie/argyle sweater, skirt and knee socks. I grabbed 2 of the Halloween shirts for less than $8, too. Glamour Kitty can wait until Thursday when Gymbucks can be redeemed. My girls are only 22 months apart and I have had the best luck doing hand-me-downs with the Gymboree stuff. It really holds up well so I stick with it.

Anyway, I didn't do anything funny or exciting or blogworthy. I am about to go grab a saw from the basement and go cut a limb from a dead tree to make my Spooky Tree of Horror for the front porch. I should be cleaning the Kitchen of Horror but I'm not feeling all that. I bought groceries this morning before the mall opened so I've done my Domestic Deed of the day.

Oh, the neighbor kid is over here and you know he's not my favorite person in the world but he's being quiet and playing an educational game so I'm not sending him home yet. I could probably buy my way into Heaven by teaching that kid to count past eight or at the very least I'd be the patron saint of neglected kindergarteners. I'd look good on lockets and candles.