I Am Coveting Thy Neighbor's Vacuum

You know I've been trying to keep those cats next door alive this week. I went over this morning when I was kid-free to give them a little attention and get the house ready for the owner to return this weekend. I was basically just going to vacuum up the cat litter that I had spilled on the floor but I kept noticing clumps of cat hair so I kept on vacuuming. Their house is all hardwoods since they have the animals, and they have a central vac and I loved that thing! Don't get me wrong, I love my vacuum but it was so easy to plug that hose into the wall and vacuum. Our house is wired (whatever you call it) for central vac so I'm going to put the moves on Fidel in the next few months to get myself one of those nifty things. The price is equivalent to 15 visits from a housekeeper and if I got that neato tool I'd surely do as good of a job as a housekeeper! Yes, I just know my house would be spotless if only I had a new vacuum. Normally I'd just break the vacuum and then replace it but it's a Kirby and I don't think they can be broken. I do know that a Kirby will do a freaking number on your toenails. I have some short, stubby toenails due to a couple of run-ins with that damned vacuum. Before I went on my cruise this past May, I went and got myself a nice pedicure and damned if I didn't run over my foot with that big hunk of metal and take off most of a toenail so I had to go to the Bahamas with skanky looking feet. If I didn't stay intoxicated the whole time it may have bothered me but oddly enough I tend to forget my troubles once the vodka gets to flowing.

Dear Great Pumpkin

I really need a new laptop, Great Pumpkin. I have five vertical lines running down my monitor, one more than I had yesterday. I've kept this old girl running hard for the past 2 years and I fear it may be time to turn her over to Tootie for www.barbiegirls.com. I fear there is no fixing her and laptops aren't all that expensive. Great Pumpkin, I know you really can't handle distributing gifts to spoiled grown-ups but the internet is my crack. You wouldn't want me to be without my crack would you? Yes, I know there is a desktop in Fidel's office but that would cramp my style. I like sitting on the sofa with my laptop or working from the kitchen counter with her. Great Pumpkin, if you help me get a new laptop, I'll throw a Great Pumpkin bash for the girls and their friends. We can make pumpkin cookies, some sort of pumpkin craft and eat pumpkin seeds to celebrate your generosity. Yes, I know it sounds lame so far but work with me, I can pull it off.

I hope you can come through for me, Great Pumpkin. You have your mission now.