Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Way Off Target

Every now and then I get an invitation to renew my subscription to Runner's World magazine, which is pretty funny because I don't run. I have subscribed to a ton of magazines over the years until I Zoloft-ed the need for magazines out of me, so I can sort of understand how a mix-up like someone thinking I might be interested to Runner's World would happen.

Here recently, I've gotten such strange things in the mail that I'm beginning to be a little concerned about identity theft or having some sort of random amnesia. Just this week I got a postcard thanking me for attending service at a church 30 miles from my house. Yesterday's offering from the mailbox led to a little misunderstanding with Fidel. He walked into the foyer to see what had arrived for him and discovered a baby formula sample from Enfamil. He walked back to the kitchen to ask me if there was anything I needed to tell him. I had forgotten about the formula sample so I immediately got a hot flash and wondered what I had bought and neglected to hide in time. He finally let me off the hook and reminded me that there was a container of baby formula in the foyer.

I'm pretty sure that somewhere, some pregnant jogger is wondering why marketing companies think she's developed a sudden need for chocolate and cocktail recipes.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Alive and Kicking but Quite Ashamed

I wish I had the excuse of some grand adventure or amusing misadventure to explain my absence, but the real truth of the matter is that I was wallowing in self pity and not taking the time to be funny. Not that my funny is a gift to the world, but it is a big part of me and I lost it there for a while. Just recently I've been in situations and thought, Gosh, I really need to blog this. My IRL friends don't know about my blog because I have to reserve the right to rag on them anonymously so they couldn't prod me to write in the same way they prodded me to get out of my pajamas at 5 pm or to fix my hair, for chrissakes.

I'm sitting here before 8 am, listening to the birds chirp around me. We spent a week at the beach in SC and it was amazing. I grew up on SC beaches and after having lived in Hawaii and vacationing in Mexico and the Bahamas, I always said that I didn't care if I ever saw the brown water of the Atlantic again. I was wrong because as far as I'm concerned at this very moment, there's no beach finer than the one we are leaving today. Our girls had the times of their lives. I feel more normal than I've felt in months.

Thanks for the prod, Not So Mom-a-licious!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Decisions, Decisions

We had some scary weather tonight in North Georgia!

Fidel and the kids are visiting his family this week, so it's just me and the dogs. The dogs and I were parked on the couch tonight watching the local weatherman jizz his pants over the strong thunderstorms in the area, and it looked like I was going to have to retreat to the basement while the house blew down around me. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be down there empty handed, so while the winds blew and the clouds spit hail, I debated on taking either wine or chocolate to nourish me until the worst was over. A true alcoholic would have never debated as long as I did between wine and chocolate, so in the heat of the summer when I'm in the months-long vodka fog, I can look back on this and assure myself that I am, in fact, not an alcoholic. Just a fan of vodka, lemons and mint. And so flighty in the brain that I can stand in the kitchen and lose track of my thoughts, even with threatened with certain peril from the sky. Gifted with dropping run-on sentences and fragments in the same, disjointed paragraph. Drugged enough that I don't give a shit.

Life is good. And I chose chocolate.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It's The Economy

First, I want to apologize for my lack of posting. I know you've heard this before but here I am apologizing again. I just don't feel very funny any more. Life has turned into more than frivolous adventures and my funny took a hike.

I imagine that My Funny is on a sunny beach somewhere drinking champagne in the mornings, beer for lunch and martinis for dinner. Meanwhile, I'm back here in the real world scrambling for retail hours and trying to get my husband to fire the innocent laborers who clean his offices to hire me to do the same work for less pay. I can't even drink away the pain of not being able to shop or take vacations because I have to work. I can't show up drunk to sell children's clothing, now can I? No 5-year old needs a blurry eyed woman slurring, "You are a hot bitch" at them as they try on embroidered clothing. By the time I get home, I'm too tired to drink and I have to get up to get the kids off to school early the next morning so I'm just living a cycle of boredom over and over and over again.

My hair looks like total shit because the only stylist I liked had a mental breakdown 18 months ago and dropped off the face of the Earth. I can deal with anything as long as my hair is rocking but my mop of birdstraw is far from rocking. Honestly at this point if I had a freak accident involving whirling machine parts and my hair I'd probably look better in the "after" shot.

I really feel like I should get myself a long, frumpy denim skirt to rock with some Easy Spirit shoes and seasonal vests and make the most of my new somber self. But I've never given up that easily so I'm going to suck it up and get back to being me.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Art Imitating Life

I have recently gotten hooked on playing Animal Kingdom: City Folk on the Wii. It's fun for me, the kids love watching and playing along by guessing the fish, etc., so we do play. A lot.

Today in Wii World, my town's store is closed for renovations so I have a shitload of fish and seashells scattered around the floor of my home, awaiting the store's grand reopening so I can sell it for some bells.

I mentioned my addiction to my friend Ashley, and she immediately said, "I need your friend code". I gave it to her but the first thing that popped into my head was, "Don't mind the mess, I haven't gotten around to straightening up yet". Then I looked around my real life house and realized that I'm the same slacker in Wii-land as I am in real life. Hopefully Ashley isn't the same on the Wii as in real life or we will find a bar, stay up all night drinking and laughing, then pop some diet pills the next morning for the energy to start all over again. I've seen us do it.