Friday, October 31, 2008

She Needed Drunkin'

Have you ever heard the redneck phrase, "He needed killin'"? Well, tonight, I needed drunkin'. And drunkin' I did. I dressed as Tipsy Housewife, complete with my wooden spoon, Kitchen Madonna apron and wooden spoon. I can't tell you the last time I felt, well, drunker. Halloween and drunk go well together.

My kids were cute, my husband dead sexy, and I couldn't have had a better night. Hope it was the same for all of you!

ETA: I only had one wooden spoon. I did have more wine than was required for "Tipsy Housewife" so I turned out to be the Completely Drunk and Soiled with Wine Housewife but here in North Georgia, I was considered to be charming. So Ha, to you, people who don't drink.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Mary J. Blige Would Like to Play

My girls can spend hours building Miis on their Wii. One day I caught them making this one and I couldn't help laughing because it looked like Mary J. Blige when she went through that blonde pigtail phase in the 90's. You know, the good old days when we were young and understood music.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Totally Not Me

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll consider driving to Nebraska before the end of this week but this bitch beat me to national fame by being the first from Georgia to drop her kid off in Nebraska. I'm probably 30 miles east of her so if I drop mine off I will own the Farthest Drive to Dump Kids title until some skank from further away usurps me.

I'm just not sure I can invest in a long ass road trip only to be stripped of my title the next week. Unless some of you want to chip in for gas money. I accept PayPal.

*Disclaimer: If any grandparents to my children are reading this, I'm totally kidding. My girls are angels straight from Heaven and I'm hoping to prove this to you by dumping them on you for a few weeks this summer. I mean, blessing you with their company.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Pardon Her Urine

In my misery of adapting to being broke, I have forgotten to tell you all of a funny escapade that Moggie and I had at The Wal-Mart nearly two weeks ago. Tootie has dance class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so afterwards on one of those days, Moggie and I hit The Wal-Mart for a few needed grocery items. Now Moggie is a child on a mission to hit every flipping bathroom in North Georgia. I have a crazy and perhaps irrational aversion to public bathrooms so we typically have a battle of the wills when we go shopping together.

Moggie likes to ride on the front of the cart, holding onto the basket with her arms. As we made our way to the back of the store, she said she had to use the potty. I told her that she would just have to wait. Yeah, I know it's crazy to tell a four year old kid to wait, but she's been potty trained for over 2 years and she raises false alarms so much that it's hard to believe her. She looked at me and said, "Mom, I can't wait" and as she said that she was peeing in her pants. I shrieked, "MOGGIE" and then my legs went in two different directions and my back and ass thunked on the floor, right there by the paint counter. I was so embarrassed, and covered in piss, so I hopped up and ran off like a gazelle. As soon as I got out of sight of the paint guy, I slung Moggie in the cart to sit and hurried up and got out of there.

Looking back, I should have told someone that my kid had pissed in the aisle but I was so freaked out by the whole ordeal that I just jetted.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Hard Times Humor

Yesterday, while driving Tootie to dance class, I passed the Wal-Mart and noticed that the resident beggar was walking away from his day shift. This guy approaches me every single time that I'm in the parking lot, and he always asks for $3 for a tv dinner. This is even when times were good and you could walk into any store and get a job, so I don't have a lot of pity for him. I normally just mutter motherfucker under my breath when I see him but yesterday I was like If times get much harder I'm jacking you for your begging spot, motherfucker.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Great Depression

Sorry I've been MIA here lately. I've been weighing the options of heading west to pick fruit or hunkering down with the extended family on Walton's Mountain. If I had one good partner in crime I could probably make a living selling moonshine because God knows, boozehounds have to have their hooch.

Times are seriously hard, my friends. We are trading cars for el cheapos, trying to live on $25/week in groceries. It helps that we have a freezer full of stuff to eat off of, but it still sucks to cringe when the girls waste half a sandwich.

Maybe something funny will happen and things will brighten a little, but for the moment I'm wallowing in self-pity and fear.