Thursday, July 31, 2008

Depressed and Smelly

Why is it that those two go hand in hand?

My dear friend CVO left yesterday for Holland. Like to live permanently. She and her family spent the night at our house since they had packed and shipped all of their belongings, so I hugged her goodbye in my kitchen and cried for a few hours. That left me with a bad headache so I lounged on the couch with my eyes closed and forgot to eat. Things were going downhill fast but thankfully Fidel stepped up and convinced me to do sexy times last night and surprisingly I feel much better today. I even showered and put on makeup and did my hair. I may survive after all. Thanks to the power of the penis.

Well Then!

Guess who let their drivers license expire? That's right, me. In February 2008. It's nearly August. Thankfully I got busted by the airline check in lady and not the po po! I had my passport in my purse from my cruise in May (gotta love procrastination) so I was able to fly with no problem. The funny thing is that my license expired in February and I flew to Florida, rented a car, cruised to the Bahamas, rented another car back in Florida, flew to Atlanta and then to Kansas City months later with no problem. You would think that at least the rental car clerks would have caught my expired license.

I'll be spending tomorrow with the nice folks at the DMV. Now I have to figure out what to wear since I'll be renewing the license for 10 years and Spanx myself to within an inch of my life to look even close to what I'm telling them I weigh.

Braving the Masses

Today begins the tax-free weekend in Georgia. Today also happens to be the first really "free" day I've had in a while, so guess what I need to go do this afternoon? Buy groceries and school supplies for Tootie. I also need to hit Gymboree and Gap to stock up on some new clothes for her and Nordstrom for some shoes to put on her pretty little feet. Why shop at Nordstrom for shoes for a 6-year old? Because no other store without a "mart" in their name realizes that children wear shoes. The shoe department at Kohl's is just an exercise in futility for anyone, much less children. Seriously, I have simple needs. A few pairs of mary janes, a pair of casual shoes and a pair of sneakers. You would think that wouldn't be a nearly impossible task but it gets my normally perfect blood pressure right up to stroke level. I know that doubling up on the happy pills seems like the easy answer, but I just spent a week at my in-laws' house so I'd have to ingest toxic levels of happy pills in order to see any real results.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Minsky's Pizza

MIL and I spend a few hours at her Macy's and planned to pick up pizza for dinner for everyone. She recommended this place near her house called Minsky's and since the other option was Domino's, I was all over the Minsky's idea. We called FIL to get the number to call in our order, but MIL was too wishy-washy about what she wanted so we decided to just walk in, order and wait on the food.

Minsky's is actually a sports bar type place. With a lot of dark wood and vinyl tablecloths. And midwesterners. I'm a prissy east-coast chick and I felt way out of my element. I was in a strange bar with my MIL, who is most certainly no barfly. She was like, "What should we do?" and I said, "Well, let's just go sit in the bar and order a drink while we wait" (shocker) so we made our way to the bar and found a row of like 6 empty seats. We went to pull 2 chairs out and this guy way down the bar barked, "Someone's sitting there" so we found a table way in the back. I ordered a Bud Lite and MIL ordered an Amaretto Sour. I don't think I had ever been in a bar with someone who ordered an Amaretto Sour. I have been in an upscale martini bar with a drunk chick begging the bartender to put something, anything in a blender for her but never with anyone who ordered an Amaretto Sour.

Mom's Day at Minsky's 002 I searched Webshots for a picture of Minsky's to post and found this one. Really, if Minsky's is ok for this lady it's ok for me! I bet she ordered an Amaretto Sour.


We got home around midnight last night, a few hours late due to the Atlanta airport being closed for storms. We flew AirTran (my first AT trip) and boarded the plane in Kansas City. The pilot came on the intercom and told us about the storm situation, and a few minutes later he came on and said we were free to deboard. I had never deboarded a plane for a weather delay and I had only had one Xanax at that point so I figured the wings were falling off the plane or the airline was officially out of business, right then and there. Visions of sleeping on the airport floor with 2 kids while we waited on another flight to haul us to the ATL flashed before me, followed by the idea of being stranded at the inlaws' permanently. At that point I popped another pill and prepared for our own version of Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

Obviously, we are safely home at this point. I did have some side effects from my pill popping. I dreamed that JLo was ruining some of my clothing and that I absolutely had to have a leaded glass shower enclosure. I think my dreams are telling me that I'm too high maintenance.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


I'm closing up the laptop for a week to go visit the IL's. I'm trying to kick my internet addiction for a week so I won't be blogging or emailing. Cold turkey, baby. I'll be in tears and shaking the doors to the nearest Best Buy, trying to trade one of my children for a computer by Saturday.

Source for Wiener Dog Print

I found the wiener dog/Eiffel Tower print here. I've been on an Etsy kick here lately!

Monday, July 21, 2008


This weekend was filled with parties, showers and business dinners. I took the girls out on Thursday to get birthday presents for a kid's party, I had to get stuff for a bridal shower and find clothing suitable for a business dinner.

For the bridal shower, I found this cute address stamp at the last minute and ordered it for the bride and groom, so I had to print off a picture of it as an IOU. I found a cute little paper mache box at Michaels and did a quick decoupage with scrapbook paper. The girls kept asking me if they were giving their friend cookies for their birthday and after the 500th time I was like "NO. Cookies are not the kid's gift, don't ask again". I wondered why they kept asking me about flippin' cookies but a lot of what they do will baffle your mind so I've learned to just let it go.

Of course Miss 90-percent didn't get a card to accompany the shower gift and I had to hit the Rite Aid on the way to the party and as I signed the card and stuck it under the ribbon of the little round box, I thought, Damn, that looks like a box of cookies and right then I realized why my children had been pestering me about giving cookies as a gift.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Big Brother

No, not the craptacular reality show, the original Big Brother. The one that's watchinyou.

I don't think of myself as a super paranoid person. I mean, back in my younger and more smoky days, I did have visions of the Scooby Doo van in full cartoon form coming at me in my peripheral vision. That was ages ago and before I even knew about the internet, modern technology and the evils of market research. These days I swear internet usage is nothing but a tool for gathering a profile for marketers to use. I love to shop so that doesn't bother me, but isn't it kind of creepy that you think about everything you do and the consequences of doing it?

Just last night, the phone rang and a survey guy was on the other end. Normally those guys call while I'm in the middle of making dinner and I cut them off quickly, but I wasn't doing anything last night and figured they may get paid by the number of surveys they complete, and given the economy, etc., I was going to help the guy out. I am not exaggerating when I say that I answered at least 100 questions about long distance, local phone and broadband internet service. I started getting antsy and asked the guy "Are we nearly done?" and he got all huffy, exhaled strongly and said "Ma'am, I am going as quickly as I can". I laughed at that point because here I am trying to humor the guy and make him a buck and he's getting pissy with me. As I hung up the phone, I shook my head because I knew that I had just guaranteed myself more phone calls by getting on their "didn't hang up for 10 minutes" list.

This morning I turned the tv on and fired up my laptop and didn't pay a lot of attention to what channel it was on. Turns out I was using the 700 Club broadcast as my ambient noise for an hour. Can't wait to see what the consequences of that little mistake will be!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Punk'd Dreams

I have been having ridiculous dreams for the last few nights. Fidel keeps waking me up to tell me to stop snoring but my dreams have been so hilarious that I'm probably snort-laughing.

In one dream, I was watching Wall-E (never seen it) and I had been sitting there for over two hours and had yet to see Wall-E himself. I was all paranoid, thinking I was the subject of an elaborate practical joke or either in the completely wrong theater. I don't even care for robots or aliens and I think this movie covers both of those so being in the wrong theater may have been a blessing, but I needed some dreamy happy pills after a while because I was wringing my hands like a nut.

Good Day for a Three Way

That title sounds scandalous doesn't it? Unfortunately, my Three Way for the day isn't anything remotely exciting. I'm changing out three of my kitchen cabinets to make it easier for me (ha! for Fidel) to cook.

I have a tupperware cabinet that you have to open slowly and use your feet to block the falling bowls, grab what you need and slam the doors before you are buried in an unfortunate avalanche of tupperware. My pot and pan cabinet is like an awkward game of jenga because it's too small, while I have a miscellaneous small appliance/oddsnadends cabinet that has tons of extra room so today I'm pulling crap out and doing a switcheroo. I should probably pop a diet pill for a little extra energy because this is one of those things that I just cannot ninety-percent.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Bust My Ayss

In our ongoing mission to spend every dime to our names, Fidel hired a concrete crew to come out and pour a new patio under our new deck space. He emailed me and said that they didn't sound very smart on the telephone so I really didn't know what to expect. I told him that my Daddy probably doesn't sound very smart on the phone but it was because of the strong Southern accent. Turns out, the concrete fellows were just as country as can be, but very good at their jobs. They reminded me of workers on my Grandfather's farm back when I was a child and I quickly reverted back to my childhood job of fetching ice water for them. They should be happy that I didn't go check out their truck for their lunch buckets like I did when I was growing up. My Daddy caught me sitting up in somebody's truck eating their lunch while the workers were in the hayfield.

Anyway, I was standing up on the deck keeping one eye on the girls in the hot tub and the other eye on the concrete truck because it was interesting. The concrete was being fed down a ramp into wheelbarrows and one of the old guys said, "Hoo, Imma fall down here and bust my ayss". An ayss is an ass, but old Southern country people have a special way of saying it, ayss. He looked up and saw me and apologized and I laughed and said, "Oh my grandma can outcuss you, you aren't offending me". A lot of people make fun of country folks but those guys today gave me a little taste of home.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


We finally got our hot tub up onto our new deck, no thanks to Kenfullofshit who conveniently forgot to get around to it. We were able to hire the spa company who specializes in moving them on a cancellation without having to wait 3-4 weeks and they came out yesterday. Fidel had to remove 2 sections of the deck rail and managed to break the tip of his pinky finger in the process but it's all put together now and usable so it was a small sacrifice for the good of all of us. He came out at 6:15 this morning and took a little soak. That's normally the peak of my snore fest because I'm too lazy to get up to pee and I just lay on my back to get the pressure off of my bladder and that makes me snore like a lumberjack.

I'm writing from the comfort of the screened porch and enjoying the shade and the breeze while the girls play Chipmunks in a whirlpool. In an hour or so I'll be playing mother-on-an-errand-run so I may as well relax a little now because going out to run errands with my two is no fun task. I'm still kicking myself for not enrolling them in summer camp or finding a nice pack of wolves to leave them with for a few hours a week. At this point I'd leave them with a rabid Grizzly bear if I could find one.

Here's a picture of the children enjoying the hot tub. Pay no mind to the panel cover that isn't installed yet. We lost the drain plug thing for the hot tub and had to do a little redneck improvisation with a balloon and a few feet of duct tape. One of my errand stops today is the spa store for a replacement plug so the panel should be reattached this evening.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Found It

I found the inspiration piece for our girls' bathroom. Toots loves her Wiener Dog and I love the Eiffel Tower. I love this picture and I can't wait to get it here and get it framed so I can get the room going!

Friday, July 11, 2008

My Favorite Craigslist Cuckoo

In my never ending pursuit of avoiding housework, I like to browse Craigslist for junk. It's like junking from my sofa, which is about the only way to do it with gas prices being so crazy.

If you browse Craigslist for a while, you will notice relistings of the same products that aren't selling, such as the $400 geode that's relisted every three days or so. I found something much more interesting than an overpriced rock during my frequent CL stalking, and that's my Craigslist Cuckoo. This has to be an elegant lady living in a home piled high with treasures. She has such a way with words, I'm tempted to buy something just to be able to meet this graceful creature face to face. Well not really, she scares me a lot and even though I've liked some pieces she's listed, I can't bring myself to contact her to buy anything because she would probably steal my soul.

Check out some of these passages. She is too elegant for Craigslist.

Come on in, put your feet up, relax and have a browse around.

I think you will like what you see.

Simply zee best for zee guests!

Hello and welcome, I am so glad you are here!

Today I have listed for your collectibles consideration this very wonderful memorabilia
for a lovely young lady.

Gift giving tokens for year round occasions to say ‘I Love You’.

Hello, and how nice of you to shop here!

Today I have listed for your collectibles consideration pretty vanity and dresser top
memorabilia for the lady to display in the boudoir.

Much too lovely for Craigslist. Craigslist is for axe murderers, not elegant ladies.

*Disclaimer- I love CL and use it all the time. No offense intended to CL users, CL axe murders or elegant ladies of CL.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Wrap and Nudge

Tonight, I pioneered a new mom wrestling/dentistry move. Tootie has had one of her bottom teeth flopping sideways out of her mouth for a few weeks now, but she's refused to let me wiggle it. Even as her permanent tooth grew to tower over her little baby tooth and she had to eat by shoving her food into the side of her mouth, she was adamant that she didn't want Fidel or me to touch it. I bribed with a visit to Chuck E. Cheese, still no good. So we waited, I begged her to let me wiggle it, and she refused and cried.

Tonight as I tucked her into bed, that tooth was drooping toward her chin. I tickled her, wrapped her up quickly in her bedcovers and nudged that baby right on out. No pain, no tears, just lots of giggling from her and relief from me because I know that I won't have to see that flopping tooth any more. Until next time...

For now, the tooth is in a Ziplock bag. Fidel and I made a deal with Toots to hide her tooth from the tooth fairy tonight. She wants to play with it and show it to her sister and her little friends tomorrow, and then the tooth fairy can come tomorrow night.

Dear Neighbor

If you are calling on your neighbors to babysit your kid for something other than a member of your family bleeding out or a last-minute job interview, you need to hire a GD babysitter like the rest of the world. I haven't been without my kids the entire summer unless it's for a late night Monistat run down to the Wal-Mart, and even then Fidel was home to take care of the children. Our neighborhood is full of teenagers home for the summer more than willing to work for some maryjane money. Help the economy. Do it for the ganja.

Obviously you can't find another mom willing to swap some sitting with you because 1) You are too stupid for anyone to trust their kids alone with you since you let yours run the neighborhood and piss in your front yard and 2) Your husband has a tendency to pass out in the back yard at 3 pm while the neighborhood kids point and laugh at him and he apparently loves to be hauled around in the back of police cars since they come and take him on a ride once a week.

Just to help you out, I am going to print off the neighborhood babysitter list, just like I printed out the summer daycamp directory for you last year when your child took up residence at my house. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to grab a red sharpie to scratch, "Jennifer is NOT a fucking babysitter" across the top of the list because you tend to have difficulty realizing when you have worn out your welcome. I'm about to the point that I'm going to announce that I'm a raging pervert and am not allowed by law to babysit children that didn't claw their way out of my uterus.

I really hate babysitting. Almost as much as I hate being used and taken advantage of.

Mission: Children's Bathroom

My girls share a jack-and-jill bathroom that is still, two years later, a contractor gray with no accessories besides an Ariel shower curtain and a white bath mat. I've had some crazy ideas about how to make that room a seamless transition from Tootie's purple room to Moggie's pink and green room. I don't want to get too theme-y and since Tootie has had a butterfly/flower bedding set for 4 years I'm tired of seeing butterflies and flowers. I'm ready to get into a paint bucket but I don't want to get into a disposable decorating situation where I end up painting the bathroom 5 times.

I'm here on my ass watching HGTV in the name of "research". My research has led me to the conclusion that if the lady from Decorating Cents showed up on my doorstep I would probably give her a squirt of pepper spray. I do love the whole Trash to Treasure idea and there are people who can pull that off seamlessly, but that lady drives me nuts. She used to have a male partner and I'm convinced that he's been pepper sprayed or stabbed one too many times because he's no longer on the show. Now the show is only half as annoying as before.

Is this decorating talk reminding you that I still haven't delivered those promised before and after pictures of the dining room I did nearly a month ago? Yeah, that's the Ninety-Percenter at work.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Confessions of a Ninety Percenter

I rarely finish anything. Long ago, I realized that this was a major character flaw, one of the few that I have. Unless you count the narcissism. You may have noticed how my blog entries on here rarely, if ever, have a definite ending. A lot of that is by design, but mainly it's just a reflection of me. I like me and you guys obviously like me because you keep coming by to read even if you are too shy to comment. Luckily for you, I'm convinced that everyone likes me and I don't really need affirmation.

Getting back on track here, I was just mentally mapping out things I want to accomplish today and I zoned in on brainstorming for Christmas decorations in the foyer. Never mind that it's early July and I have things around here that I have put off since before last Christmas. There's one project that's been in progress for over three years and I just cannot convince myself to finish it. I started stripping a simple sofa table in October 2005. At our old house. We moved in October 2006 and the semi-stripped sofa table came along with us to sit in the basement until January 2008. I started hiding from the kids in the basement and sort of finished stripping the sofa table and I painted it. Never bothered to replace the two knobs, so I've had a knobless,not-quite-finished sofa table sitting in the foyer like an ugly toad for six months.

For the moment, I'm going to shelve the Christmas decor planning and try to focus on a few more immediate tasks. Like cleaning the laundry piles off of my bedroom sitting area furniture.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Keeping it Real

There's a chick at our bus stop who is really quiet and always looks happy. I've wondered what was up with her because there's always something (drugs) up with the quiet perfect-looking ones, you know? I ran into another neighbor at Costco last week and she was telling me how she heard the quiet chick yelling "Get the fuck over here" to her kids in the cul-de-sac. Instead of thinking "What a horrible mother" I felt a little sigh of relief that the chick is keeping it real. It should go without saying that I'm not constantly yelling the f-word at my kids, but you know, it does happen. I normally begin those days mopping up spilled milk, washing pancake syrup out of hair and being run more ragged than a Waffle House cook at 2 am on Saturday night. Well that's pretty much how to describe every morning around here but I can take about 45 of those mornings before I snap and have a really bad adult temper tantrum.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


I just went outside to let the Wiener Dog potty and I checked the mail while I was out there. On the way back down our sidewalk, I was flipping through the mail and looking at an inkjet-printed campaign ad featuring a candidate in overalls and a t-shirt. I wish I had been looking at the sidewalk because I felt something pop and whir out from under my bare foot. I waited for the pain to hit because I just knew that I had stepped on a bee or a wasp. There was a big wet spot on the sidewalk and some stuff that looked like guts but no sign of a bug. There was nothing stuck to my foot so I bent down to look closer. I saw a tiny trail of fluid and then I saw a tiny little gutless frog carcass laying in the crack between sections of the sidewalk. Now my foot is tingling and I'm not sure if it's just shocked that it managed to kill a freaking frog or if that was some sort of rare poisonous frog that will cause my foot to rot.

Hot. Damn.

Fidel and I have been bantering about getting a golf cart to cruise around the neighborhood and to the pool. Lots of people in here have them and I really think it would be fun for the kids.

I just found something that would be much more fun than a golf cart. I'm totally putting this on my Christmas list. I don't want a standard cooler though. I want mine to be pink with flames on it.

Can you imagine how cool I would be rocking that bad boy up to the bus stop? Or the shame I would bring my family if I got busted by the po-po for riding a cooler full of beer? If I did get arrested for riding a case of Bud Lite, I would at least hope I would be on COPS to make it all worthwhile.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The Fruits of Their Labor

We bought our house nearly two years ago. We had never had a deck before so we didn't notice that ours was too small to be of any real use to us. Fidel used it for cooking but it definitely wasn't a space for entertaining. We have been giving lip service to having the deck extended and having our hot tub installed on it and finally pulled the trigger on construction last month. The contractor started last week and finished (mostly) this afternoon. There are a few additional issues to iron out and one big ass hot tub to install but we are definitely getting there.

Here's a before and after set. I'll take more once I get plants and furniture set up this week.