Dear Neighbor

If you are calling on your neighbors to babysit your kid for something other than a member of your family bleeding out or a last-minute job interview, you need to hire a GD babysitter like the rest of the world. I haven't been without my kids the entire summer unless it's for a late night Monistat run down to the Wal-Mart, and even then Fidel was home to take care of the children. Our neighborhood is full of teenagers home for the summer more than willing to work for some maryjane money. Help the economy. Do it for the ganja.

Obviously you can't find another mom willing to swap some sitting with you because 1) You are too stupid for anyone to trust their kids alone with you since you let yours run the neighborhood and piss in your front yard and 2) Your husband has a tendency to pass out in the back yard at 3 pm while the neighborhood kids point and laugh at him and he apparently loves to be hauled around in the back of police cars since they come and take him on a ride once a week.

Just to help you out, I am going to print off the neighborhood babysitter list, just like I printed out the summer daycamp directory for you last year when your child took up residence at my house. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to grab a red sharpie to scratch, "Jennifer is NOT a fucking babysitter" across the top of the list because you tend to have difficulty realizing when you have worn out your welcome. I'm about to the point that I'm going to announce that I'm a raging pervert and am not allowed by law to babysit children that didn't claw their way out of my uterus.

I really hate babysitting. Almost as much as I hate being used and taken advantage of.