Sexytime Splash

This post will be about sex so just close out now if that offends you.

Last night, Fidel and I decided to have sexytime but it was so late and we just wanted a quickie so we dispensed with the foreplay and decided to just get down to the business at hand. I sat up in bed to roll over toward him, and I completely lost my balance and fell hard on him. He said, "What the fuck was that about??", and I got the giggles and told him that was my new move, the Sexytime Splash. We were laughing so hard I didn't know if we would be able to do actual sexytime.

Don't Know How to Break This to Him

I took the girls out to Kohls this afternoon to get Tootie a new pair of shoes. If I ever mention going to Kohls again for shoes please kick me. I should know by now that they do not carry any shoe in my children's sizes that are presentable in public.

Anyway, Tootie spotted the rack of training bras in the girls section and starting telling me that she needs one. She's six, rail thin and nowhere near ready for a training bra. I'm sure her father isn't ready for her to be in a training bra, either. One day we had a baby, the next she's growing two rows of teeth and asking for a bra.

Freakshow

Tootie is six. Her two bottom teeth have been loose so while I was in her mouth checking her throat (possible sickness b/c she's complaining of a sore throat and her breath is funky) I wiggled her teeth to see how loose they are at this moment and I jumped because there was a big damned tooth poking up behind her baby teeth. Not a little white line, a big damn tooth. I immediately started panicking because it just looked crazy. I'm used to seeing the gap-toothed smile when kids lose baby teeth but this kid has a big ass tooth sitting there right behind her baby tooth.

Of course I googled this weird tooth shit and discovered that it's fine. It's called "Shark Teeth" and apparently the adult teeth will push the baby teeth out within weeks. If they aren't out within 3 months you have to go see the dentist. Leave it to my kid to have some crazy shit going on.

Rough Bunch

I got to sit in on Moggie's ballet/tap class today since it's parent observation day. I've always been afraid to make eye contact with the dance teacher since Moggie is quite a handful, but after what I saw today it's a wonder that Moggie doesn't have angel wings and a halo because that class of 4-year old girls has to be made of the sassiest and rottenest kids in our county. One kid kept leaving the room to go roam the halls, another constantly interrupted and talked over the teacher, one was melting down in the middle of the floor. Moggie did cuss out a girl who sat on her hurt finger by accident and cried a little bit when she fell on her ass on the hard floor but other than that she did a good job. Well she did give a classmate a good Look, Bitch when the girl took the little prop Moggie was holding but if you mess with the bull you get the horns, you know?

Public Library for Dummies

Now that summer is upon us, I need to figure out how you use the public library because my Tootie loves borrowing books from her school library. I have a card but I honestly don't know how you go about renting the books. I did attempt to do this once and I didn't see anyone who appeared to be a librarian and I tried to use this little kiosk thing but I couldn't figure it out and I ran out of the building in shame and empty handed. The kids were crying so I had to take them to Target and buy them some damned books. That was two years ago and I haven't been back since. Hopefully they have forgotten me and my abandoned stack of books, and hired a human being to help dummies like me borrow books.

Happy Mother's Day!

My evil uterus has chosen to reenact the crowning moment of motherhood by making me feel like I'm giving birth all over again today. I'm as bloated as a week-old whale carcass and am having cramps comparable to labor pains.

In other news, Fidel and the girls bought me my pretty giraffe purse! I have to exchange it since it's too big and roomy but still, it sure does look pretty sitting there. He got me the large hobo version and while more organized women may fawn over the roominess, all I can see is the mess my junky ass will accumulate inside there.

Enjoy your day, mothers!

No Thank You

I thought English was a widely recognized language in the Bahamas, but to Ashley's chagrin "No, it will make me hurl" fell upon deaf ears. The waiter should have been able to tell by her body language that she wasn't wanting that liquor poured down her throat. I mean, c'mon, look at her.

Removing Blood from a Lilly

Last night, I was making dinner and Tootie crashed through Fidel's garage door screaming about her bike being in the creek. I wasn't alarmed until I noticed that she was spotted with blood, then my poor Moggie crashed through the same garage door looking like she had been on the bad end of a switchblade knife. I ran outside to get Fidel because I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle the sight of a wound that was producing that much blood. I must add that I applied pressure on her wound with a wet washcloth. I didn't leave her hemorrhaging or anything. During all of this excitement, Tootie kept sobbing and screaming about her bike being in the creek. After trying to collect myself to take care of the injured child and ignoring the constant and increasingly louder demands for bike retrieval, I lost it and screamed, "Shut up about the fucking bike already". I have to get a special Mother-of-the-Year plaque for that one, right?

After being rejected from our usual ER because of the ugliness of the wound, we made it down to the county ER (yay) where we waited with the masses. Four hours, and lots of baby happy drugs later, we left for home with five new stitches under the nail bed of her left middle finger and the old nail sewn back on top of that. She's got a big old ET-finger bandage on her that I have to keep dry for the next five days.

You know when your kid is covered in their own blood, you tend to scoop them up and head out to the ER without bothering to change clothes or anything. Moggie was dressed in a Lilly Pulitzer dress because we had done a Mother's Day tea party at her school earlier. That nice little Lilly is now covered in big drips and smears of blood but the poor child kept getting compliments on her pretty dress. Let's hope the gods of enzyme action can remove that blood.

Snoring Isn't Helping My Marriage

My cruise was this past weekend so I'm still exhausted from not getting much sleep. I crashed on the couch last night before 9:30, I think. I was snoring like crazy so I just slept in the upstairs guest room so that poor Fidel could get some rest. I have to say that I am not ready for this whole separate bedroom thing. I think we both sleep better because for me, I can sleep without worrying about not sleeping on my back or facing him, and he isn't subjected to my various snorts, grunts and puffing. Better sleep be damned, it just feels odd to not sleep with my husband when he's in the same house.

I need to get one of those anti-snore pillows from Brookstone and some earplugs for Fidel before we end up scheduling time for conjugal visits and making things all awkward.

Slacker. Where Are You?

I just got home from a weekend girls cruise last night and I have some really funny stories to tell you guys over the next few days. I have to pull pictures together and do some laundry but I swear that I have laughed since Thursday. No one got in any trouble but I have been invited to join the Pink Hat society by some elderly Red-hatters that I met on the cruise. I think they extended the invitation to me because I saved them from certain death on a wave runner.

I have some funny shit written on the back of a car rental receipt. I was in Senor Frog's on Saturday laughing so hard I nearly peed myself so I started jotting stuff down so that I wouldn't forget.