My Wiener Dog

Here's a picture of our dog, Charlie. We got her in July and she is just a great little dog. She has a little streak of dumbass in her but she's so pretty she gets away with almost everything. She loves the kids, especially Tootie.

Sand Salad

Fidel had a birthday party deal to hit after work this afternoon at an Irish pub, so I pulled their menu and had him bring me a salad that was described as a Chicken Wonton Salad. Apparently wonton is Irish for sand because that shit was inedible it had so much sand in it. I would go so far as to say someone pranked them and sold them a bag of sand labeled "Lettuce". Fidel shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, it is pub food". I guess the moral of this story is this: Do not eat pub food unless you are drunk enough to enjoy it.

In completely unrelated news, I was in JC Penney today because I park in their lot at the mall when I need to go to Gymboree and today, I needed to go to Gymboree. Moggie likes to ride the "stairs" (escalator) so I took her up and down and in the process of that, I over hear a group of three older men having this conversation around a rack of jackets:

Old Man A: I can't find the label
Old Man B: Well that's it, the label should be right there
Old Man C: Yeah that's it, that's the Members Only one
Old Man A: Well where's the label? See right here, there's no label
Old Man B: Well that's the same jacket, I reckon they just don't put the labels on 'em any more

That's all I heard but I was laughing at all that commotion over a JC Penney jacket. I don't think I've laid eyes on a Members Only jacket in the past twenty years.

Ok, Chubbs

Yeah, I'm talking to you, blubberbutt. Your assignment for this weekend is to get someone to take a full-length picture of you from the front and from the side. If you are a super genius you can take the picture of yourself. I hear cameras have this function. This will be your before picture. Don't suck in your gut but don't bloat it out either. We won't post these, but you will print them out and mail them all to me. No really, just save it to your computer so that we can do another in 5 weeks, 10 weeks, etc.

You may not use these pictures as evidence of my cult-like influence to get off of whatever crimes you commit in the throes of caloric deprivation. You and I know that we can't control ourselves when we are only consuming 1500 calories a day but I don't think we will be able to convince a jury that we actually lose our minds when we are starving. Perhaps another project for the weekend is drawing up some shirts that read, "Fat chick on a diet, don't cross me." "Get out of my face before I eat you" is another option. I think the first week will be the hardest for us. If we can survive the first seven days we should have a good chance of reducing our muffin tops.

Here's an easy list for you.

• Take full-length picture.
  
• Find food plan suited to you. (I'm doing The Plan included in the Turbo Jam set)
• Warn your loved ones that you are about to get kooky for a while.
• Pray for strength.

We can do this, ladies. Enjoy your last weekend of freedom.

I got uR drugz

Fidel is having some crazy dental issues with two teeth this week. A crown popped off of one and can't be fixed without having his jawbone shaved down, and another crown attempt failed so he has to have a root canal. If you have been married to man, you know that when they are sick, have surgery or dental work, the humane thing to do is to fill them up with pain medicine and get the Hell out of Dodge. Well that may be humane for just one party involved but abandonment is much better than strangulation or stabbing. Unfortunately I can't leave town this weekend because I have a commitment tomorrow morning. My plan is to keep him drugged up and sleeping this weekend until he can have his root canal done on Monday and he should be ok until the next week, when he's having his gums cut off and his jawbone shaved down in preparation for the crown repair. That, my friends, is when the abandonment will begin. I'll leave him with his pain meds and some Slimfast shakes since he won't be able to chew. Now before you think I'm callous, remember that we have two children and I will be taking them out of his hair so that he can rest. Callous would leave the kids with him and head out for a girls' weekend.

Operation Thindown Has Begun

I'm tired of being chubby. This extra weight is making me snore, giving me gout and making me feel like less of a person. I've been taking shit that I wouldn't take for a second if I was thin again so this people-pleasing fat chick is going away and the sassy hot bitch is coming back. Get ready world because I'm Hell on wheels when I feel good about myself.

I did Turbo Jam for the first time since I ordered it a year and 30 pounds ago. I don't know if learning kickboxing moves is good for the people around me but I'm doing it nonetheless. If you know me in real life just don't piss me off because I'm as grouchy and "over it" as a bear woken from hibernation too early. It may serve you well to pray that my ADD kicks in and makes me lose this pissed-at-the-world attitude.

I'm not going to post my "before" picture but I am taking one as soon as I find one of the two memory cards for my camera that are floating around here. I thought about showering and doing makeup before I take my picture but I may as well look like shit and bloat out my belly in the before picture just like they do on the infomercials.

Wish me luck and pray for those around me because I'm on a mission. If you would like to join me in my Operation Thindown sign up here and we will work something out. Well we will work our asses out but we can also do some sort of organized accountability.

May I Please Be Cranky?

Being that I'm a woman, I do have my times of moodiness. Blame it on hormones, lack of sleep, a bad hair day or the phase of the moon, but I am moody. I've met a few women in my lifetime and every one of them has a bad day for no real reason every now and then. This is hardly a newsflash but apparently the man I've been married to for the past eleven years doesn't understand that I can be grouchy without it meaning I want him dead.

I woke up late this morning, in the middle of the wrong part of my sleep cycle because I had been semi-awake for the last two hours trying not to snore. I'm rushing to get Tootie out of the house in time for school and trying to feed Moggie so that she doesn't have a meltdown while Fidel stands around clicking on his blackberry and playing with dogs. And I haven't had coffee yet. It's simple math, really. (Me running out of time + you not helping) - morning coffee = raging bitch wife. There's no need to make it out to be more than it is. If there is time for psychoanalysis of the deeper cause of my bitchiness, there is time to put on a kids shoes or brush their hair, or make the chocolate milk you like you told me you were going to do.

*Disclaimers: No real math was used in this entry. This entry may or may not have been written by the Evil Uterus. Helping your wife is like foreplay to her.

The Sex Talk

Tootie is almost six and she has started asking me how babies are made. I credit this new interest in reproduction to the fact that my friend Les is pregnant. The minute Les told Tootie that she had a baby in her tummy, Tootie asked her why she ate the baby. See, Tootie thinks all things are born from eggs that float down from the sky. I don't discourage that idea with her because I'm clueless about explaining sex to children. I never had it explained to me and I figured it out. I never even knew my cuckoo was called a vagina until middle school and I don't know if I've ever called it a vagina out loud. Girls had cuckoos, boys had pee-pees and the two didn't mingle, ever. That method of instruction worked well for me so hopefully it will work for my girls, until they get to middle school and have it explained to them by someone other than me. I can talk about sex with them once someone else makes the introduction and covers the basics. The Baptists left me a little unprepared here.

The Inner Baptist

I'm co-hosting a couple's baby shower for a friend on March 1. The other co-host and I were discussing shower favors and she said she had just attended a couples shower and they got a condom and a mini bottle of booze wrapped in tulle as the favor. The inner Baptist in me shuddered and ran to the pantry for a drink. I can't imagine handing out a condom and a mini bottle wrapped in pink tulle at a party to celebrate a baby! Never mind that a good percentage of babies are conceived due to hooch and a lack of condoms, I just can't see myself handing over a condom to the dad-t0-be's parents. My co-hostess was laughing with evil glee at the thought of gifting the dad's parents with the condom and booze because the dad is a big old perv and he would think it's hilarious, and she said about the mom, "She would just laugh at whatever he laughs at because she doesn't have a brain of her own". I could be standing there barefoot, holding a mason jar of moonshine, covered in pork rind crumbs and still feel trashy for handing over a condom and a mini bottle at a baby shower. We compromised on cute little popcorn favors. I'm making those tomorrow and I'll post pictures in case anyone is interested.

That's Not Nice

When I woke up this morning, Fidel asked me if I had a busy day planned at my boating school. Being that I just woke up, I was confused for a minute and then I figured out he was calling me Mrs. Puff. My next thought was that I need to lose some weight if my husband was calling me a damned pufferfish but then, seeing the crazy firing up in my eyes, he explained that I was puffing in my sleep. If you say so, buddy.

He's Going to Lurve This

I had a social committee meeting tonight for planning our neighborhood Easter egg hunt. I volunteered myself for hiding eggs, boiling eggs for the egg relay race and collecting donated food for drop-off. I volunteered Fidel to be the Easter Bunny, ha ha. He's fighting the idea but I think he would be a fine bunny. I would pull his tail and poke him with carrots until he tackled me and then I'd have to kick the Easter Bunny's ass in front of all the neighborhood kids. I think I may be losing it because this is really funny to me.