'Tis Not the Time

Dear wanna-be cool guys:

Flip flops are not appropriate footwear with jeans in January. Especially if you have celebrated at least 35 birthdays. If you must wear flip flops, please be kind enough to visit the pedicure chair before doing so. It would also be great if you could find a pair of flops that actually fit your gnarly feet because while you merely look stupid with flip flops in the snow, you look positively retarded with your toes hanging off of your beat ass flip flops touching dirty snow and ice.

Love,

MF

Dinner With Fidel

Fidel and I went out to celebrate our 11th anniversary tonight. We went to a small restaurant in our little town and it was wonderful. Earlier today, he dropped off a bottle of wine he picked for us and reserved the table he wanted for tonight. We shared an appetizer and salad. He ordered an Atlantic Cod dish, topped with Prince Edward Island mussels. I had a filet with portobello mushrooms and a Gorgonzola fondue. Dinner was excellent. We had a flourless chocolate torte with raspberries and whipped cream. It was like chocolate velvet. I could have licked the plate. I should have licked the plate. Oh, if I had it to do over again, I would have licked that plate.

I do have to brag on my husband. He got my favorite type of wine, made in the year we were married. He's very sweet.

She Will Sleep in Jeans

I swear, if my youngest child changes clothing one more fucking time I'm going to whack her with something. I get her dressed for school, and the freaking second she gets home she flies upstairs to change into a goddamned nightgown. When it's time to go get Tootie from the bus stop, I have to change her into her clothes again or harass her until she does it herself. I'm so tired of this crap. I'm going to bag up all of her fucking nightgowns and jammies and make her sleep in jeans if she doesn't chill out. It makes for a ton of laundry and a bunch of wasted time. I must spend at least 30 minutes out of every single day dealing with her changing clothes. Have I mentioned that I'm tired of it? Well I am.

Fidel and I have plans to go out for dinner tonight and we were going to this nice little place but I decided I didn't want to dress up because it's cold, so I asked if we could do sushi instead. I'm so burned out on wardrobe changes that I don't even want to change my own clothes. Now I'm considering switching back to the original plans so I can drink my share of a bottle of wine with dinner to dull the pain of my stress headache. And I don't even want plum wine from the sushi place. I want some velvety, rich red wine. And vanilla bean creme brulee. And a child who can stay dressed longer than 4 hours. Does she think she's Hugh Hefner or something?

Oh Get Real

I just googled for some pantry organization tips and I may as well have asked to babysit someone's kid for the amount of aggravation I got. I found a good page, or what might have been a good page if there wasn't a big fucking random ad covering steps 1-3. I'm not an expert on lists but I'm pretty sure that if you have a list, you should follow it in order or shit will be all jacked up. I can't start on step 4!

The second page I encountered was telling me to cut empty Coke 12-pack boxes to use for organizing small loose things like mixes. Again, I'm no expert but I don't think adding more fucking garbage to my pantry is helping me organize a thing. I don't have to have handwoven sweetgrass baskets for my Jiffy Mix but I'm not putting a damn cut-up Coke box in my pantry, either.

So today I've accomplished getting annoyed out of cleaning. I should have just quit before I started.

Someone in Jersey Better Watch Their Ass!

I just checked my Stat Counter page and someone in New Jersey recently found me by Googling, "I'll take everything you get away". I'm assuming that means that one grammatically-impaired person is leaving and planning to take away the possessions of the leavee, but I guess it could really mean that a pair of thieves are plotting a snatch-and-run spree. Really, who is to know. All I know is that people from New Jersey are scaring me with their Google searches.

My great-aunt (senile Granny's sister) lived in New Jersey decades ago. Senile Granny and her other sister traveled North to spend a few days with Jersey sister but apparently Jersey wasn't to their liking because they slept fully-dressed in the same bed, with their purses on their chests and demanded to be taken home the very next day.

Neil, You Sorry Bastard

Did anyone watch The Biggest Loser last night? I felt so bad for Amanda when they got kicked off because of Neil's fucking lazy, sorry ass. She just seemed like she was so ready and willing to lose the weight, but Neil was just disgustingly lazy and apathetic. Amanda thought that the other contestants didn't understand Neil's sense of humor, but I just think poor Amanda is too nice and doesn't see that Neil is a lazy-ass turd. Don't get me wrong, I can be as lazy as anyone, but if I was in a situation where I was faced with doing my best or letting my true love down, I would do the best that I could do. If my true love wasn't putting forth his best effort and undermining my chance at success, 5 more minutes on the treadmill would be the least of his worries. Fidel and I should have been cast on the BL couples show because we would make for some excellent tv. I would seriously entertain the masses, but BL would have to be aired on HBO or something because they just would not be able to beep all the "motherfucker"s out. Like last week, when they faced the challenge of eating a ton of food in that cheat room, I'd be out there screeching, "Not even a nibble, motherfucker" when Fidel had his turn in the room. Then I'd be in there wolfing down some chocolate when it's my turn.

Anyway, I wish Amanda the best of luck but I'd still like to kick Neil in the nuts.

Bible Action Figures

Over Christmas, I was in the Wal-Mart toy section and I noticed these strange-looking dolls in the Barbie section. They looked like hobos but I knelt down to get a closer look, and it turns out they were Biblical action figures. Jesus Barbies. I guess that might be a good idea for some children, like Rod and Todd Flanders. They wouldn't be a good idea for my kids because they would be hanging out with the hooker Barbies and before you knew it they would be naked and surrounded by hoochie fairies, like poor Prince Eric is. Prince Eric lives on my keeping room sofa, and Ariel has to share him with the hoochie fairies from Fairytopia. The blue-haired one is the worst hooch of them all. The other day, Tootie was playing with the blue fairy and Eric while Ariel laid on the floor. As the Sapphire Skank sweet-talked Prince Eric into kissing and getting married, I grabbed Ariel, air-swam over to Eric and had her pull the blue fairy's hair and told her to get her skank ass away from her man before she got cut.

Of course I didn't really do that. I'm planning to wait until the kids are out of elementary school before I teach them the art of catfighting.

Not Even Worth It

I am having cramps so bad that I feel nauseated. Tylenol wasn't cutting it, Advil wasn't cutting it, so I popped a hydrocodone. It worked (mostly) for the cramps but here I am 2 1/2 hours later and I can barely hold my eyes open. I'd rather have cramps than fight to stay awake at 5:15! I need to get my wicked uterus out of me because that thing is nothing but trouble.

Wild Animals, Indeed

Today, Tootie came home from school with a Stevi B's sticker on her forehead. One Tuesday a month is a fundraising night for her school and the school gets $0.50 from each person dining that night. Well, we tried it once in an attempt to be good members of the school community and it about drove me to being a member of the loony-bin community. It's a buffet, sandwiched between a Wal-Mart and a Payless Shoe store with a big Ryans Family Steakhouse in the parking lot. It may as well be a concession stand at a flea market. After our first, and last, experience there I told Tootie that from now on, I'd take her to Chuck E. Cheese on Stevi B's nights. She came home grinning this afternoon, dancing and singing about Chuck E. Cheese. I'm dressed and don't feel like cooking dinner so that's fine with me. How lazy am I that I'd rather go sit at CEC than make dinner?

After Tootie got off the bus, I took her and Moggie to the local dance store to get Moggie a pair of tap shoes for dance tomorrow, and then we went to a beauty supply store for some purple shampoo for my highlights. I frequent locally owned businesses when I can, and the ladies at the beauty supply store are the owners and so very friendly. One of them asked Tootie if she was going to Stevi B's tonight and she said, "No! There are wild animals in that place!". I thought it was pretty funny and the beauty store lady was laughing at her.

Crapola

This morning, I had to drop Moggie off at preschool at 9 and I had a haircut scheduled for 10. I had an hour to kill so I decided to just come home instead of shopping. I opened my garage door, pulled in and heard framma-bamma-lam-lam-whunk. My eyes got as big as saucers and I felt faint because I was convinced that I had managed to drive into and partially through the back wall of my garage. After I caught my breath, I realized that I had not driven into the wall and that the noise that scared the poop out of me was just the workers next door removing concrete forms from our future neighbors' newly-poured basement walls.

I was over all that excitement and I went to get my haircut and we were laughing because I am having a total blonde day and she's always having a blonde day. From the second I met Niki, we have gotten along so well and it seems like we have been best friends from birth. She was bopping around to the music and some song came on from a local group and she's like, "Can you believe these motherfuckers live over in ____________" and then she just froze and looked around to see who heard her filthy mouth. We laugh and carry on so badly that she completely forgot she was at work. She's pretty funny. She does a kick-ass haircut, too. I like to maintain anonymity on here but I'd totally post a picture of my hair today if I had on any makeup. But I don't have on any makeup, and after last week's zit-inducing eyebrow wax I would scare away all of my readers if posted said picture. Just rest assured that my hair looks fabulous. Much too fabulous for these Kohls sweatpants I'm rocking.