Adios!

I'm off to spend NYE with my family and to welcome my Papa home from rehab tomorrow, so I hope all of you have a Happy New Year! Poor Fidel will be home alone, without his blushing bride for the first time in 11 years. I'll be back on Wednesday, hopefully with some funny tales from the country.

Yeah, Not at Kroger

We went grocery shopping as a family this afternoon, and let me tell you how I suffered because of Georgia's stupid no-booze-on-Sundays rule. Well, I probably wouldn't have opened a beer right in the aisle like I wanted to do anyway, but I would have liked the choice. After 30 minutes of madness in the aisles, we were checking out and talking about our planned movie night watching Shrek 2. Kroger has this magical machine in the lobby where you can rent a movie and as we were paying for our crap, I said, "Hey, do you want to grab an adult movie out of the kiosk to watch after the kids are in bed?" and as soon as it came out of my mouth I knew I had said the wrong thing. The cashier was like, "Uh, I don't think we have any of those out there" and I was as red as a baboon's ass. It was pretty embarrassing.

Thank You, Fidel!

I scored this year for Christmas. I typically don't care what I get, I just want to open something. Even if it's something small like a book or chocolates. It's not the stuff, it's the experience. This year, however, I really liked my stuff. Stuff like an iPod touch with a home stereo system thingie, new perfume, cashmere scarf and a double griddle. And a new, wonderful laptop! Yes, I love cooking stuff and am thrilled to open something I've been wishing for. It felt really good that he listened to my hints through the year and got me things I wanted. He also drove me over to see my family and my grandfather in the rehab facility. Obviously that wasn't an entertaining outing, but he took some beautiful pictures of my grandparents together since we drove my grandmother up for the visit, too. She has Alzheimer's and he's not 100% after his stroke, but let me tell you how moving it was to see those two grab hands and stick their heads together. I seriously cried and I'm tearing up talking about it. I looked at Fidel and thought, man, I have that. I hadn't even missed my crazy pills and I had that surge of emotion! The good news in all of this is that my Papa will be coming home on Tuesday. Their lives will never be as they were before the stroke, but I think having him home will be much better for my Mama and obviously my Papa will be happy about it. The girls and I are leaving tomorrow to drive over there for the homecoming, so I will miss doing NYE with Fidel for the first time since we met. I guess I'll spend NYE with my mom, drinking wine and watching TV. She will like that and I do have a good time with her.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great last day of the year, and I'm looking forward to getting back to the funny business after all of this hoopla is over.

Tales from Rehab

No, not that kind of rehab. I don't drink that much and since Fidel and I are starting our Biggest Loser play-along on January 1 I'll have to cut out those booze calories. I'm talking about the rehab center that my grandfather is in. We went to see him this past weekend (he's 4 hours away) and he's doing pretty well. There's still a lot of work to be done but he's going to be released on January 1 to come home. He's a little cranky because he wants to come home, and his roommate talks nonstop. The roommate is Mr. Dewalt, and he is a freaking riot. He's in his 60's and has been in rehab for a while due to having 2 strokes within 3 weeks of each other. He can't walk but he sure can talk. He has a feeding tube inserted into his stomach, but since he can eat the tube is just tapped off until they pull it out. He thinks that the tube is his glasses, and tries to pull it up to his face so he can see. He thinks that the nurses are losing his glasses or hiding them from him. He has a time accusing those nurses of plotting against him. One night, he wanted some ice but they told him the ice machine was locked and he got mad and called 911 when they left the room. He said that was the only number that he could remember and he wanted some damn ice. Apparently that caused a big ruckus because he said that he had them all lined up in the hall looking stupid. The nurses unplugged his phone after that. He kept trying to get up out of his bed and he was making me nervous. I said, "Mr. Dewalt, are you getting up?" and he pointed above his bed and said , "No, see that camera up there? They won't let me do anything" and it was true, they are monitoring them with cameras above their beds. Mr. Dewalt is just a mess. He was telling me that he kept his head shaved clean before he had his strokes but that the nurses wouldn't let him nor would they shave it for him. He said, "My head looks like a black sheep's ass". I was laughing my ass off but my grandfather never even cracked a smile at Mr. Dewalt's comedy routine. Mr. Dewalt had a stash of Tootsie Rolls so he had a fan in my grandmother. She has Alzheimer's and a bad case of the sweet tooth and my family makes her eat her meals before she can have any sweets so she was like a kid finding a stash of candy.

Dear Lug Nut Thief

If times are so hard that you have resorted to stealing lug nuts from 4-year old Toyota Siennas, may I suggest you head on down to the car wash to apply for a job. Notice I didn't suggest any fast-food joints, and that's because I enjoy me some fast food and if you are retarded enough to steal lug nuts from my Van of Shame, you surely don't need to be burdened with the responsibility of making McRibs. You see, there is this place right around the corner called the TOYOTA DEALERSHIP and they will sell you as many lug nuts as you can carry out of there. They sold me one for $5 back in October and now I have to go back to buy another one from them. Come to think of it, I suspect that you only stole one and the service department turds that put on my new tires in October failed to tighten the lug nuts completely, ensuring that I would be back for a new lug nut and perhaps an interior detail. They probably just want me to give in and let them do that thing they wanted to with my brakes but as long as the VOS is stopping I'm not dropping another dime on her. Take that, service department.

I think I need to go take a pill because I'm all paranoid about this lug nut thing. See how my brain went from thinking someone stole my lug nut to suspecting that the service department has plotted to make me return? That's crazy, my friends. I'm crazy with high-speed internet access. Good think I'm lazy and afflicted with ADD or else I'd have some internet conspiracy cult going on.

Use Your Manners, You Little Bastard

I have Neighbor Kid over here this afternoon. I've been bitten by the Christmas Spirit, or perhaps the spirits in my afternoon coffee. Either way, he's here and I haven't whacked him with a broom or hosed him down yet. I haven't even taken my happy pills today so I probably need to get on that before my good cheer wears off. Anyway, he's actually walking across my kitchen chairs. I'm decked out in my Kitchen Madonna apron, baking unnecessary Christmas treats and in my head, I was thinking, "Use your manners, you little bastard" but instead I just asked him to not walk on the furniture in my super nice voice. I'm off now to put my made-from-scratch Penne Bolognese in the oven for our dinner. Oh I can't even keep a straight face as I type that. I scratched that shit out of the deli case at Costco yesterday.

It's Funny Because It's True

I was just reading an article about a mental health service in the UK getting in trouble for making parodies of common Christmas carols. It's actually pretty funny. Here are the carols that were tweaked:

• Schizophrenia - "Do You Hear What I Hear?";
  
• Multiple personality disorder - "We Three Kings Disorientated Are"
  
• Paranoid - "Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me"
  
• Dementia - "I Think I'll be Home for Christmas"
• Attention Deficit Disorder - "Silent Night Holy, oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?"
  
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells"

That's pretty funny and I haven't even drank anything today. I'd suggest adding the "Twelve Diseases of Christmas" for the hypochondriacs and "Carol of the Bottles" for boozehounds. Not that I know any of those.

Boo-Ya!!

We had to make a brunch goody for Tootie's class Christmas party this morning, and Fidel was the one to take the goodies out of the oven and take them into school since I had to do Moggie's program. I should have prefaced this by stating that Fidel had bitched me out this morning for leaving lights on. Compact fluorescent bulbs that cost 1/10 of a cent a day to run, nonstop. Can you see where this is going? Yep, at 3:15 in the afternoon I discover that FIDEL has left the oven on all day long. I emailed him (because that's how we talk) to ask, "Any chance you left the oven on this morning?" and he said, "Yes, WE left it on". I'd like to meet that mouse he has in his pocket because I had nothing to do with leaving an oven on for 8 hours doing nothing. And my oven doesn't run on compact fluorescent bulbs... I'm just sayin'.

I Pray You Are Dyslexic

To the person who landed on my blog by typing in, "I really am a cock carving housewife", I pray that you are just dyslexic and weird. Or that your husband can run really fast from a knife-wielding psycho. Make no mistake, I'm fond of the wiener but there's nothing to learn from typing that into Google. Nothing at all. You probably found things that made you wanted to poke your eyes out. Crave and Carve are two totally different concepts. Good luck to your husband, either he's got himself a horny housewife or he better be covering up that pecker around you.

This person was from Pennsylvania, so watch your peckers, Pennsylvania men.

Things I Did Not Learn From Dora

Dora the Explorer taught me my colors and numbers in Spanish, but unfortunately I haven’t gotten proficient enough in her language to say, “You have cut my phone line, motherfuckers”. That little phrase would have come in handy this morning because the workers installing the silt fence around the lot next door did exactly that. Cut my goddamn phone line, which incidentally, is also my internet line. Don’t get me wrong, I could live the rest of my life without hearing another ringing phone because 9 times out of 10 it’s just someone wanting you to do something for them anyway. What I cannot live without is the internet. For all I know, Yankee Candle is giving away candles for free today. I’m sure that I’m missing an important tip from Adam and Eve on how to revolutionize my sex life, and somewhere in Nigeria, some tortured soul is looking for me to help them with just my bank account and routing number. Instead of receiving all that fascinating information, I’m sitting here in the virtual fucking dark with no candles and not a clue of what to do with Fidel’s penis, and God knows how batshit crazy that poor Nigerian is without my bank account and routing number.

I’m writing this in Microsoft Word while it’s fresh in my mind, because I’m counting on one of you who happens to speak Spanish to send me your cell phone number so that I may call you and give you the pleasure of screaming, “You have cut my phone line AGAIN, motherfuckers” at the workers the next time I’m without phone and internet. I’m out there smiling at them and the whole time I bet they were thinking, “This bitch has no idea we have cut her lines” as they waved and smiled back at me.