Things I Did Not Learn From Dora

Dora the Explorer taught me my colors and numbers in Spanish, but unfortunately I haven’t gotten proficient enough in her language to say, “You have cut my phone line, motherfuckers”. That little phrase would have come in handy this morning because the workers installing the silt fence around the lot next door did exactly that. Cut my goddamn phone line, which incidentally, is also my internet line. Don’t get me wrong, I could live the rest of my life without hearing another ringing phone because 9 times out of 10 it’s just someone wanting you to do something for them anyway. What I cannot live without is the internet. For all I know, Yankee Candle is giving away candles for free today. I’m sure that I’m missing an important tip from Adam and Eve on how to revolutionize my sex life, and somewhere in Nigeria, some tortured soul is looking for me to help them with just my bank account and routing number. Instead of receiving all that fascinating information, I’m sitting here in the virtual fucking dark with no candles and not a clue of what to do with Fidel’s penis, and God knows how batshit crazy that poor Nigerian is without my bank account and routing number.

I’m writing this in Microsoft Word while it’s fresh in my mind, because I’m counting on one of you who happens to speak Spanish to send me your cell phone number so that I may call you and give you the pleasure of screaming, “You have cut my phone line AGAIN, motherfuckers” at the workers the next time I’m without phone and internet. I’m out there smiling at them and the whole time I bet they were thinking, “This bitch has no idea we have cut her lines” as they waved and smiled back at me.