Tales from Rehab

No, not that kind of rehab. I don't drink that much and since Fidel and I are starting our Biggest Loser play-along on January 1 I'll have to cut out those booze calories. I'm talking about the rehab center that my grandfather is in. We went to see him this past weekend (he's 4 hours away) and he's doing pretty well. There's still a lot of work to be done but he's going to be released on January 1 to come home. He's a little cranky because he wants to come home, and his roommate talks nonstop. The roommate is Mr. Dewalt, and he is a freaking riot. He's in his 60's and has been in rehab for a while due to having 2 strokes within 3 weeks of each other. He can't walk but he sure can talk. He has a feeding tube inserted into his stomach, but since he can eat the tube is just tapped off until they pull it out. He thinks that the tube is his glasses, and tries to pull it up to his face so he can see. He thinks that the nurses are losing his glasses or hiding them from him. He has a time accusing those nurses of plotting against him. One night, he wanted some ice but they told him the ice machine was locked and he got mad and called 911 when they left the room. He said that was the only number that he could remember and he wanted some damn ice. Apparently that caused a big ruckus because he said that he had them all lined up in the hall looking stupid. The nurses unplugged his phone after that. He kept trying to get up out of his bed and he was making me nervous. I said, "Mr. Dewalt, are you getting up?" and he pointed above his bed and said , "No, see that camera up there? They won't let me do anything" and it was true, they are monitoring them with cameras above their beds. Mr. Dewalt is just a mess. He was telling me that he kept his head shaved clean before he had his strokes but that the nurses wouldn't let him nor would they shave it for him. He said, "My head looks like a black sheep's ass". I was laughing my ass off but my grandfather never even cracked a smile at Mr. Dewalt's comedy routine. Mr. Dewalt had a stash of Tootsie Rolls so he had a fan in my grandmother. She has Alzheimer's and a bad case of the sweet tooth and my family makes her eat her meals before she can have any sweets so she was like a kid finding a stash of candy.