Christmas Music Keeps Me Sane

My grandfather isn't doing well. I'm having a hard time with this but I'm still trying to keep going because I have 2 children and a husband depending on me. Honestly, I'd love to just have a good breakdown and sleep for a week. I know it's coming so I'd rather just do it and get it over with. Instead, I'm carrying on as best as I can, but really what else am I going to do?

Tonight while making dinner (Alton Brown's Swiss Steak recipe, which kicks ass) I was listening to XM's "Music City Christmas", nothing but country music Christmas songs. I kept having flashes of walking through the woods to find a Christmas tree with my Papa, or spotting one during the year and telling each other to remember where it was so we could go back to get it in December. I know I'm blessed to have such memories but right now they are breaking my heart. So I'm in the kitchen doing my thing, bopping along to Jingle Bell Rock one minute, bawling my eyes out while Tammy Wynette sings Silent Night the next. I know I said that Christmas music was keeping me sane, but honestly I think it's just driven me into being Total Batshit Crazy. I had my little perfect housewife apron on, preparing a meal at 4:30 in the afternoon so the meat would be tender, while I smiled and laughed at my children. I probably looked pretty together but I had the realization that I'm anything but together. I'm just a domestic lunatic.

On a funnier note, I was in Tootie's room changing her sheets to flannel tonight, and she and Moggie were sitting down on the floor watching me. They had a conversation that went like this:

Tootie: Mama, can we have balloons for Jesus's birthday?
Me: Sure
Moggie: Mama, can I pick the pinata for Jesus?
Tootie: (rolling eyes) Moggie, Jesus isn't actually coming down
Moggie: He isn't?
Tootie: No, he's staying up there with the dead animals

I guess I must tell you that when one of our turtles died, I had a talk with Tootie about dead animals going to live with Jesus. I thought my lesson in death had gone well, and we ended in a question and answer session. Tootie asked if all dead animals went to Heaven to live with Jesus and I told her yes, I imagined that they did. She looked right at me and said, "Mama. Why would Jesus collect dead pets?" and I couldn't stop laughing. I still laugh thinking about that.