Not My Day

I should have stayed in bed this morning. Instead, I hopped out on my poor gouty foot and began what turned out to be an annoying, inconvenient, if-it-can-go-wrong-it-will type of day. First of all, I had to take what just may be the ugliest red velvet cake ever made to the PTA hens for the Christmas teachers' luncheon. I overcooked it a little and had to trim it up, so it was crumbly and I wrestled with it so long, my icing got too warm and didn't cover like I wanted it to. Luckily, red velvet cakes love pecans so I chopped up a few handfuls and masked my messy frosting job. I loaded Moggie up and planned to take the ugly cake by the school, along with the book exchange book that I forgot to send with Tootie. Click-ick-ick-ick-ick. The VOS wouldn't start. The f-ing battery was dead, again. By some sort of miracle, my cellphone wasn't dead so I was able to get another mom to take Moggie to school so I was just stuck with the ugly cake. I called Fidel to walk me through using the battery charger. I think he was already seeing the life insurance check coming, hearing that I had opened the hood of the car and was standing there with the clampy things asking him where to clip them. I managed to charge the battery without killing myself or burning the house down and I felt a little empowered. Most of all, I felt sweaty because I sweat like a whore in church when I get stressed out, plus it is ungodly hot for December. My hair had been styled by humidity and I looked like one big, hot mess. I drove up onto the sidewalk at school and threw Ugly Cake at one of the PTA hens who tried to direct me to some tables to work but I just pretended not to hear her and ran away while yelling for them to enjoy the cake I hired a lady to make. No way I was taking credit for that crooked, crumbly thing. After escaping the manual labor, I set out to finish up my Christmas shopping and pre-Christmas returns. Home to wrap presents, eat lunch, blah blah blah. While all the blah blah blah was going on, stupid Wiener Dog decided to chew through the cord to my GD vacuum cleaner. As if there isn't enough to do in the short time left before Christmas, I have to make a trip across town to see the Vacuum Doctor. I've always been chatty with the VD and it's paying off because I was able to get him to promise me he could have it back to me by Monday. I need to scoot on over there and get it dropped off before Fidel finds it because he will be sticking that shit back together and wrapping it up with electrical tape and I'll never touch that vacuum again. Fidel is pretty handy but I'm fussy about getting electrocuted and I don't allow him to work on my crap.