Of All Days to Run Out of Vodka

Since I'm doing WW I've put aside my cocktail hobby. I'm out of vodka and have been for a long time, no need to buy since I'm counting every f-ing calorie. Why, you ask, am I telling you about this? It's because I really need a stiff drink right now. I have had a day from Hell.

My neighbor is gone for the week. She's a crazy cat lady with a herd of pedigreed European cats. Guess who was dumb enough to say "Let me know if you need anything?"!? Yep, my dumb ass. So I go over on Monday night to feed the cats. I reach for the key last night (Tuesday), and it's gone. G-O-N-fucking-E. Gone. I have searched my entire house, my car, my purse, everywhere you could possibly look. Still no key. I scrolled through my caller ID list to get her number, called and left a message saying, "Lost your key, should I call your estranged husband and get a key from him even though I hate him" or something like that and guess what happens next. The estranged husband (We can just call him FE, for "Funk Eye" 'cause he has the wonky eyes) calls me back and snippily gives me the wife's real cellphone number. He got my message since I had called HIS cellphone. The guy beats his wife and kid, I have no reason to hide the fact that I despise him but still it's a bit embarrassing. Turns out he doesn't have a key anyway because the police took his from him the last time he was arrested for battery on his wife and kid.

Do I have a point in all of this? Nothing other than the fact that no good deed goes unpunished! I told Fidel to NEVER, neva, ne-VA allow me to volunteer to housesit again as long as I live. I'm too much of a spazz to handle this kind of stress.

At this point I need to enlist the services of a locksmith or a criminal to get me in that house to make the Great Cat Rescue. Actually, Fidel is coming home early to break into their house since she told us how to do it. I'll let you know if the cats have turned cannibal yet. They are probably dried up like little furry raisins. If that's the case I'll take pictures.