Spank Him

This morning while running errands, I was in the frozen food section of Wal-Mart stocking up on chicken nuggets and Moggie toast (Eggo French Toast Sticks) and there was a lady with 2 toddlers in the basket area of her cart. The boy toddler was standing up and wouldn't sit down for anything. I passed her three times and each time she was pleading with him, "Please sit down. This is not appropriate behavior", etc. I wanted to tell her, "Girlfriend, you are in the Wal-Mart. Spank him." You will never find a more suitable place to spank a butt than the Wal-Mart. And the funny thing about it is that most of the patrons would applaud you. There's something about entering the doors of a Wal-Mart that makes normally unacceptable behavior suddenly acceptable. I whacked one of my kids in the head with a pack of bacon one day in full view of everyone in the store and no one made a peep. Except for the kid who was whacked with the bacon.

Up and At 'Em Monday

Last week, my brand new laptop pooped out on me. Luckily, Fidel was a computer geek in a former life so he fixed it up for me yesterday. I was using the girls' computer and that wasn't working out well for anyone.

Today begins the countdown for a two-week mother in law visit. She is flying in on Thursday so I need to get off my ass and MIL-proof the house. Good thing I'm a packrat and keep all sorts of shit when it's no longer needed, because although my children have passed the cabinet lock stage, my MIL just entered it. She has tons of health issues and is so medicated that I call her Judy Garland. Judy got up one night recently and poured herself a bowl full of unshelled walnuts, covered them in milk and took a bite. Another morning, she woke up to find her front porch was covered in dog food, because she had gone out and scattered it in the middle of the night in her Ambien fog. I will be locking up the pantry at night, as well as setting the alarm so that we will know if Judy gets out of the house and starts wandering the neighborhood.

I'm off to do the preschool drop off, then home to work out and dig through the crap in the basement for cabinet locks.

It's Gonna be a LONG Weekend

We had a truckload of mulch delivered this afternoon so we get to work in the yard all weekend, or at the very least all day tomorrow. In preparation for the new mulch, I have been outside with a shovel trying to dig up 2 enormous lambs ears plants to split up and replant. Between the neighbor kid, his mom, and Moggie it's been a freaking uphill battle to get anything done. I was successful at getting Moggie to go play elsewhere. Unfortunately that elsewhere turned out to be the basement, and she got my exercise ball, brought it into the back yard and proceeded to roll it down the hill, over into the impassible area of ravine. She's screaming bloody murder (and she is LOUD. Trust that.) in the front yard, Tootie is at the top of the ravine squealing about spiders (and I'm terrified of those), Weiner Dog and I are scaling slippery rocks and I'm holding onto huge rhododendron branches and trying to grasp a huge ass exercise ball with my feet. I guess the Good Lord was watching out for me today because not only did that rhododendron branch hold my fat ass, but I was able to get that ball up and out of the ravine. I was right next to a hole that could only have been made by a snake so I made the ball retrieval pretty fast.

My afternoon of productivity was shot to shit. I think it's about beer-thirty.

Pros and Cons of Memory Loss

I have a bad case of CRS (Can't Remember Shit) and I have found that while it has it's obvious problems, you also reap a few sweet benefits from CRS. Television reruns are not a problem. I can watch the same shows over and over and laugh/cry/be surprised each time. I don't miss shows like Lost that have long hiatuses because after a few days I forget the shows exist. Not complete amnesia or anything- I don't see a preview for Lost and go "Damn, is this a new show because I have never heard of such a thing" but more like "Oh yeah, I forgot this show was on". I can seriously buy myself gifts a month or so before the occasion and as long as I wrap it, I completely forget what it is. Unfortunately we had one horrible Christmas here where Fidel decided doing no gifts for me was a good idea so yes, I have bought my own gifts.

One unfortunate part of memory loss is not being able to hold a grudge. I know that may sound like a wonderful perk but there is a reason we hold grudges and that's so we don't keep reliving situations that we should have learned from in the first place. Now I'm naturally a bitchy person with a bitter streak, even though I'm blissfully happy. I'm like a Pollyanna cynic, one big old contradictory mess. I'm a good judge of character and within a few minutes I can tell if I like someone or if we will be better off being very casual acquaintances. A lot of times I can make a mental note to steer clear of people I don't like but that's often all I will remember. In the case of the Neighbors from Hell, I'll easily get sucked into a conversation with one of them until some stupid falls out of their mouth and then I'm like, "Oh yeah, that's why I don't like these fuckers" and it all comes back, only to be lost again. I just need to remember to keep it brief with them and go on about my business.

The post below actually made me think of this discussion because commenters were asking if Neighbor Kid was the same one I've been bitching about, and yes he is. Mush Mouth/Neighbor Kid/Future Stalker/Little Lying Fucker, it's all the same kid. He's sneaky, he will lie right to your face even if you catch him red-handed, and is overly aggressive (tries to hold them under at the pool, holds them down to kiss them, shows his pecker, beats them with foam swords, runs over them with his bike, etc. )with my girls so I don't like him, don't have to like him and will likely never like him, all with good reason. I'm tying this so I don't forget it and then get soft hearted and go through the escalation process over and over again because that situation is hopeless.

On a funny note, the mom of this kid put him in camp with my girls last year, even weaseling him into the same class as Tootie. I've kept summer plans to myself this year and she asked me a few weeks back to join her in doing an activity once a week with them, like the zoo and various parks. I'm just grateful that we have some good neighbors moving in next door, and they already know the deal with the Neighbors from Hell from the conversations they have already had with them. At least the "stay away from my kids" deal won't just be from me.

In A Pickle

We have neighbors across the cul-de-sac with a kid in kindergarten just like Tootie is, but right there is where anything in common ends. She is a good bit older than I am, the husband is a nutso, she bickers and complains and gossips about who doesn't have any money (tacky) and I really don't want to be anything more than neighbors. Wave, say hello and go on about my business. I do not want Neighbor Kid over here. It may be just that he is a boy but he is so freaking rough with my girls. We were outside as a family on Easter Sunday blowing bubbles and he comes over and starts tackling my girls so that he could pop bubbles. Nevermind that there were enough bubbles spread about for 20 kids, this little fucker just has to be on top of the girls.

I was at the bus stop on Monday and the bus drove by to turn around in a cul-de-sac and I saw Tootie's head pushed against the window and Neighbor Kids arms flailing about. When Tootie got off of the bus, I discovered that NK had been ripping apart a little Peanut Girl art project that Tootie did in school. It's Wednesday and I haven't said anything yet, because I want to be completely sure of my next step. I'm planning to call the principal to set a meeting to discuss some avoidance techniques, like not having them in the same class or same seat on the bus. He has no freaking boundaries and I am over him being a problem to me. I just don't know if it's acceptable behavior for me as an adult to tell his parents that I don't want him over here under any circumstances. I may be the only person in the world annoyed by him but I just cannot get over it.

Is That You, Mother?

This afternoon I got a call from a drunk slurring woman with a strong Southern accent. No it wasn't my mother, it was Momzilla's. She wants me to help her do something while she is down here taking care of Momzilla and the new baby. I'm just calling Momzilla Momzilla at this point because I don't want to use her real name and she would laugh if I called anyone else Momzilla so hopefully if she ever finds this blog she will think it's funny.

Either way, speaking to her mom reminds me that my own mother has been pretty sedate here lately. She's been really good, actually. She's asked me to bring the girls over for a weekend so Fidel and I can get away. I think she's convinced that I have breast cancer. I ended up telling her (and only her) about my boob issue because I wanted to know if there was a history of breast cancer in her side of the family and I had to spill why I was asking. The wait for the mammogram is killing me. I intentionally scheduled it far out because I have to do it on a Wednesday and I didn't want to miss Moggie's Easter party at school last week and I didn't want know this week, either. I figured ignorance is bliss but I've had enough time to come to grips with the fact that something is going on since my hormone levels and boob culture came back normal. Now I'm just ready to find out what's going on!

Oh The Stench

I grow my own mint for cocktails (and lemonade and iced tea) and I bought this little Herb Bible so that I can take proper care of my mint to ensure happy times this summer. It's just coming back to life after wintering outside and I read that you are supposed to fertilize with something called Fish Emulsion and not regular fertilizer because the fish emulsion doesn't dilute the flavor of herbs. What fish emulsion does, however, is stink to high hell. I think it is literally ground up fish carcasses. It's shit brown liquid that smells like 4-day old roadkill on a hot summer day. There are construction workers next door facing a home with stacked stone and I was out gagging and spitting in the driveway after opening the putrid shit. I bet you will find more appealing crap oozing out of a septic tank.

I believe that Fidel will be giving my herbs their nutrients this summer because I can't stomach that shit. And of course I have a huge jug of it.

Aggravating People and Making Peace with Cardio Party

This isn't directed at anyone in particular, but just to people in general. If you are being aggravating and someone is trying to say no to you nicely, just chill the hell out. It's the people who cannot take no for an answer that drive bitches like me batshit and make me lose my temper. I swallow a pill every night, make the monthly trip to the pharmacy and semi-annual doctor's visits just so that I have the ability to tell you "no" nicely those 4-10 times it takes before I'm screaming. I'm too quick to say "Fuck Off" and I have made considerable efforts to temper that behavior, so meet me halfway and don't make me lose my shit. That means no passive-aggressive shit, no whining, just move the hell on.

Moving on...

I made peace with Cardio Party this morning. I have been avoiding it like the plaque but I did it and Turbo Sculpt this morning. I now need to go make peace with the shower and the Lever 2000 because I'm raunchy.

Son of a Bitch

I just googled for images of Jeff Healey to use on a hilarious story about Moggie pretending to play the piano and closing her eyes halfway like Jeff Healey, but apparently he died this month (WTF celebrity gossip sites??) and I just don't feel like posting a picture now because it's depressing and unfunny. He was only 41. Cancer sucks. Everyone has seen Roadhouse at least ten times and with Patrick Swayze being in the news with his cancer you would think someone could have mentioned that poor Jeff Healey died.

Someone needs to start a celebrity gossip blog for us grown-ups who don't give a shit about seeing Paris Hilton's cooter or Britney's cottage cheese ass. If I ran such a blog I'd dedicate Fridays to posting scantily-clad 80's hair band dudes, starting with Jon Bon Jovi. Kip Winger would be for week 2.

ETA- Apparently the rest of the world knows about Jeff Healey dying and I am apparently not up to speed on recent celebrity deaths.

Attention to Detail

I was driving Moggie to preschool this morning and drove past a "Prison Work Detail" sign. I crested a hill and there was the orange bus with prisoners walking beside it picking up garbage. Since the bus was taking up the whole right lane, there were two prisoners holding the "STOP" and "SLOW" signs. The prisoner in my lane was holding a STOP sign facing me and he was waving me through like I was an asshole for not being sure whether to continue driving or to stop. I pointed at his sign, rolled my window down and said, "It's that same attention to detail that put your ass on a prison bus". Well I didn't really say anything because I was too busy answering questions about why it's spring but I definitely thought it. Plus I prefer to keep my windows up and my doors locked when I'm driving through a prison work area.

Leprechaun Debauchery

Tootie came home from school today running for the bathroom. She whizzed past me screaming "A leprechaun put green pee in the toilet at school today and I couldn't potty all dayyyyyy why didn't that nasty leprechaun flush doesn't he know that is nasty and the cats will drink his pee if he doesn't flush mama can I have a coke??" That was all in one breath. I meant to do some leprechaun tricks for them last night but I have other things going on and I just completely forgot. I did make the green Kool-aid for her class (she asked me to never make it again because she didn't like it) and I dressed her in green but that was about it for me. I can't drink because of the meds I'm on for the next 10 days and I don't feel like doing much that involves my ass leaving the couch. I have figured out that I can get my workout in before I take my first morning pill and that's a lot better than working out after I take the pill because the medicine wipes me out completely. I had to leave yesterday's neighborhood Egg Hunt because I felt like I was about to collapse.

Momzilla (who I have been too hard on) called me today and told me that her father has prostate cancer and that it's "all hush-hush" and I started laughing because I'm keeping my boob issue all hush-hush, too. Why do we do that? It's not like we have something embarrassing like herpes or hemorrhoids. I'm not even sure that I have the big C but my culture came back negative for bacteria and the rest of my bloodwork was fine. My cholesterol is 195, hormones/thyroid/etc all within normal ranges. My doctor's office has called me three times today to schedule appointments and follow ups and they were so nice and caring on the phone, which makes me suspicious. I just wish I could have the mammogram and surgery appointment this week so that I can either face the music or celebrate being cancer-free with some vodka-based goodness. Instead I'm playing the waiting game and keeping all this shit to myself.

I'm still working out and getting rid of my blubber-gut. I can handle having a big ass but this gut I'm rocking is scandalous.

Cooter

What do you call yours? My friend Ashley and I say cooter all the time but I giggle every time I say it.

If you call yours vagina, please make up something more interesting. Vagina is a word for doctors. My new doctor is a hoot though, she probably does say cooter. "Climb on up and let's check out the cooter". Some would call that unprofessional but I'd actually rather have someone with a sense of humor doing that business on me.

When I was at her office yesterday the nurse asked me if I wanted a pap. I said no thanks, I don't like to mix my business. I had planned to go to my regular OB/GYN practice (that I haven't seen since I gave birth to Moggie four years ago) but then I realized that I actually don't have a regular practice. I was not prepared for a pap so I still declined but I may as well combine the business and have it done there. If I'm not having any more babies there's no need to go to that inconvenient office any more.

Useless Day

Man, it's been a useless day. I had my doctor's appointment to get checked out this morning at 10. The nurse asked me why I was there and I told her, "Well, I have a list. I'm like a car that's been driven to death and now it's time for a tune-up". Thankfully she's a mother herself and she nodded like she knew exactly what I meant. I did have quite a list going. Gout, check thyroid, why am I so fat, do I have osteoporosis, I need more crazy pills, are my hormones out of whack, I need something more than Claritin or Zyrtec for my allergies and finally, why do I snore so fucking much? As I rattled off my list the doctor said, "And memory loss?" and I nodded quick and said, "Oh yes". Then I realized that I hadn't mentioned memory loss and I wondered if I was repeating myself but she must have seen my wheels turning and she said "I figured, by the list". She diagnosed me with CRS right then and there, and she even said it. She said, "Yeah, you have Can't Remember Shit". She went to writing prescriptions but before we made plans to go grab a martini I remembered that I had some breast fluid thing going on so I had to whip out the boobs. She did a culture of the fluid and produced an order for a mammogram and ultrasound in the blink of an eye. She said a few words you don't say unless you really want to scare the shit out of someone but I'm just chilling out for now. My boob-mashing session is scheduled for April 2 and the culture should be back before then.

There is good news in all of this. My nose is whacked out and she said that Nasonex may work for me but if not I might be getting a free nose job, something about a deviated septum. That would be pretty cool. I don't have the courage to willingly have a nose job but if we are in a sensuous situation I'd be game. You know, sensuous (since you was, redneck style) already in there, go ahead and make it pretty. Fidel and I write sensuous notes to each other all the time.

I guess underneath all of this Zoloft I did get freaked out. I thought I was fine but I went to Target and couldn't find my car when I came out. It took me about 10 minutes before I started crying. I didn't even have my cell phone in my purse to call anyone to talk me down. I finally found my Jeep and I have no recollection at all of parking it in the particular spot I found it in. There was an empty parking spot right next to it and wouldn't you know that right before I got into the safety of my car, a girl I know pulls up right beside me as I'm blubbering and feeling sorry for my own dumb ass for not being able to find my flippin' car. I really don't want to talk about my boob issue with IRL people. Even if it's the big C I just don't think I'll feel like talking about it. I bet she thinks I'm divorcing or losing my marbles or something. Who cries over not finding their parking spot?

Operation Thindown Progress

I'm still working out 5 days a week. I work out for at least an hour and today I did 1 hour and 20 minutes. I would have done an hour and 40 minutes but I had to leave to go get Tootie from the bus stop. I normally have some killer PMS but since I exercised in the two weeks leading up to the monthly Hell we must endure, I didn't even notice it. I've heard that exercise is good for that but now I know. You hear a lot of crazy shit about the benefits of exercise and I have been in good physical shape in my day but I guess I wasn't in tune with my body then because now I really do feel better for exercising. I suppose I've seen the light. Or the calendar ticking down to our May cruise...

Too Good for Manual Labor?

Do you know anyone or are you someone who just won't do manual labor? I'm just asking because I was out front trimming our shrubs (it's a gorgeous day) and the neighbor across the street looked at me like I had 2 heads. I also clean my own house (allegedly) which is also looked down upon. I have tried the maid thing and I do welcome help when I'm planning a big event here but for everyday purposes I do a much better job cleaning my house. The maids that were here last time left the glass on my shower all streaky and I had to clean it again before Fidel got home so that I didn't have to hear his mouth about the maids half-assing it. Don't get me wrong, they actually got down inside the shower drain thing and cleaned all that gunk and that's territory I just won't explore. I will pour some straight bleach down that bad boy but I draw the line at anything beyond that.

If I worked, there's no way I could clean this house. Since I stay home, I kind of feel like it's my job. A job I do sporadically but still my job. That I would get fired from if it were a real job. Well maybe not since I'm sleeping with the boss but no one would like me because the only reason I would have said job is because I'm banging the boss. I think Fidel would argue with the banging the boss part but you all know I do. I do have two children and those weren't miracled here.

Too

Too damned quick on the draw, that's what. Ignore this.

Spring Madness

Do you get the home-improvement itch in the spring? I really get the urge to "feather the nest". I think our big project this year will be to renovate our 2-year old deck. We are going to expand it on two sides. One side will have our hot tub built into it, and the other side will be an outdoor kitchen/bar/eating area. I also must have a porch swing underneath. Fidel built a wonderful swing frame at our old house since we didn't have a deck. We spent hours and hours in that swing and I have been jonesing for somewhere to lounge like that. We do have a lovely screened porch room outside our keeping room but there's just something special about swinging in the open air. He even made me a little beverage shelf on both sides of the frame. I am all about the beverages in the summer.

I also want to decorate the bathroom that the girls share. It's still contractor grade no-real-color paint. I think I will go ahead and do that this week because it won't be a real big job. I'm off to get a bottle of water in me before I go upstairs to clean and work out. The girls have wrecked my workout room (their playroom) so I have to go yell at them to make them clean it up. It would be so much easier to clean it up myself but that wouldn't teach them a thing, would it?

Chip Off the Old Bitch

Fidel was home with Moggie and me all week because of his excruciating pain from his dental surgery on Wednesday. On Wednesday we went to sushi for lunch, on Thursday we did Artuzzi's with Moggie and Costco and Toys R Us after that, and finally on Friday we did Buckhead Pizza with Moggie. While we were in Toys R Us on Thursday, there was some guy in business clothes with a Bluetooth thing clipped on his ear. You could tell he was extremely agitated by the way he was stomping around looking down the aisles. He had this big scowl on his face and as I got near him he yells out, "Does anyone work here" and I ignored him because I wasn't sure if he was speaking to me and if he was speaking to me in that tone he was making a mistake in doing that since I don't take any shit from self-important pricks or anyone else. He kept eye contact with me and yelled it again, that time I was sure he was indeed speaking to me. Since I was holding hands with my 4-year old angel from heaven and I didn't want to teach her how to say "Who the fuck are you talking to that way?", I just rolled my eyes at him and said "Ugh, I don't know" as I walked past. I mean really, who thinks it's ok to show your ass like that when all you have to do is walk up front and find someone. If he was that pressed on time he should have planned his day out a little better. He also needs to watch his attitude with random moms walking around Toys R Us. He either saw enough of me to figure out he didn't want to tangle, or more likely, he saw Fidel a few steps behind me and positively knew he didn't want any of him. Fidel had a gun pulled on him in our front yard years ago and took the gun from the guy who pulled it and made him cry like a girl in front of the neighbors.

Anyway, on Friday when we were in Buckhead Pizza, a waiter kicked Moggie's chair and she popped off, "HEY, you KICKED MY CHAIR". She actually yelled that at him twice. I had to laugh at her, because the guy really did bump her chair and didn't say excuse me. That kid is a little bitch just like her sweet old Mom.

In Case You Wondered

I have been working out this week. I've done 4 days of 1 hour each. I skipped Wednesday due to Fidel's surgery but I'm working out tomorrow morning before I go to SC for the weekend so that will be my 5 days. I'm not being great about the diet but I can tell that I'm a little more discerning about what I eat because I don't want to waste my burned calories.

Turbo Ab Jam does unholy things with your abs. By the end of the hard part of the workout, I don't even want to look Chalene in the face. I do like the workouts and look forward to doing them. I still don't like Cardio Party so I'm doing my own alternate plan of the 20-minute cardio workout and then either the Ab Jam or Turbo Sculpt, alternating days.

I have an appointment to have a physical (the blood work kind) on Wednesday so I can get the gout taken care of and make sure that I don't have any underlying conditions that made me gain so much weight so quickly. I don't feel like anything is wrong but I have insurance and haven't had a real checkup done in years so it won't hurt anything to get checked out.

That's about it for me! The girls and I are going over to visit my family this weekend, and leaving Fidel on his own. He needs to rest and nap but I will come home and find all kinds of crap that he's fixed or cleaned. He can't sit still when he's bored. I tell you, if he left me home alone for the weekend I wouldn't get out of my jammies.

Drunkorexia

I just heard a new word for an old disorder, drunkorexia. Our news just reported on this disturbing new trend. It's when you don't eat so you can drink your calories and escape your troubles. What's that you say, this isn't a new thing? Exactly. I'm old and I did that shit years ago before I cared about being chubby. I'd starve all day, wolf down one McDonald's kids burger and go boogie. I was a long, lean dancing machine. If 5' 3" is long.

Those young hoochies may have the honor of making kissing other girls trendy, but they aren't getting the prize for inventing drunkorexia. Step off, punks.

Homework or Diapers

If anyone ever gives you a choice of being in the diaper stage or in the homework stage, I promise you that the diaper stage is far easier. Sure, you will be face-to-face with some else's feces but fecal matter pales in comparison to the evilness of a kindergartener trying to avoid homework. My kindergartener in particular has a special gift for making herself scarce when she's needed to do homework, clean up, or anything that will point her in the direction of being a responsible and self-sufficient human being. One minute she's a human tapeworm, the next I am chasing her down and pulling her out of shrubberies to make her write four simple sentences or put away her shoes. Her line of bullshit is so strong, that while brainstorming on tonight's four sentences about the community helper she is dressing as tomorrow, she said, "Mama, let's just say 'Take a guess' and make them guess what I am". I told her, "Tootie. You will be wearing a nurse's outfit as you give this oratory tomorrow. You aren't commando nurse, people will know what you are by what you are wearing". She fought me a long time on that one. I finally got to the point with Princess Lazybones that she was about to need a nurse and I was needing some vodka. Luckily for us both, we hammered out those four pitiful sentences without anyone bleeding or getting hammered.

I would love to write more but I think there will be an awards ceremony here shortly for me to accept my Mother of the Year plaque. Unless they heard me telling her she was going to be on the back of a garbage truck dumping curbies into the hopper if she didn't stop being so lazy. Dammit, screwed myself out of that award again.

Crazy Kid Crap

Fidel and I are watching Moment of Truth and every time I watch this show I kind of play along so I recover some long-forgotten memories. One I remembered tonight is when we were in high school and our friend Travis got a job at the local country gas station. This gas station had one of those signs parked in front of it, where you could walk up to it and arrange the letters. We made the letters say "Trabis likes boys", on the eve of him starting his job. There wasn't a V anywhere in town for us to spell his name properly but we still managed to embarrass the shit out of him.

Old Man in the Hiz-ouse

Fidel had dental surgery this morning and while I'm not laughing at his pain and suffering, he has been really funny today. We dropped Moggie off at preschool, he popped his happy pills from the oral surgeon, then went to Starbucks to chill out for an hour until time for his appointment. He got a 4-shot espresso and a pumpkin thing, and I got a regular coffee with splenda. We sat in the little conversation area and he was eating his pastry, and the next thing I knew I felt something hitting my feet and he was chewing and just had crumbs and hunks of pastry falling out of his mouth, and he didn't even know it. I started laughing at him and then he started laughing and blew spit all over me. I was able to get him in the Jeep and drive him up to his surgeon's office and he had a bad case of the giggles. Everything was motherf-er this, blah blah blah. I left and went shopping while he was being tortured (they even blindfolded him) and the nurse called my cell phone when he was done so that I could pick him up and take him home. He alternated between trying to convice me to have sex with him and asking me to go out for sushi. I agreed to the sushi, didn't agree to the sex.

He's propped up in his recliner now with his laptop and his wiener dog in his lap, and he will doze off and then pop up to type on his computer. It's the funniest thing.

Increasing my Fruit Intake

I had 3 big ol' strawberries tonight as an effort to increase the amount of fruits and veggies in my diet. These strawberries were dipped in dark chocolate and were as good as sex. The funny thing about me breaking down and having my dessert fix is that it's normally during The Biggest Loser show. Fidel and I are sitting our big asses here eating chocolate covered strawberries while watching the people on tv lose gobs of weight.

I did work out for an hour today and I'll do so again tomorrow.

I Suffered in Vain

You guys are familiar with me bitching about the gout. It hurts like a mofo and it's not a pain you can drink away because it's a wicked, sneaky kind of pain that is made worse by alcohol. It's a devil of an affliction to have. I have had issues with this shit for months. We have had an analgesic prescribed specifically for arthritis and gout in our medicine cabinet, unused, this whole time. Fidel was doing an inventory on his pain meds today since his dental surgery is tomorrow and he found a bottle of crap prescribed to him and he didn't remember what it was for. He Googled it and turns out it was for gout and arthritis. That would have been nice to know a little sooner.

Baby Shower in Review

The baby shower is over, hurray! I'm always happier when I have a clear calendar and it seems like I've had something going on since before Christmas. I need my lazy weekends.

Anyway, the shower was a success to everyone except for Momzilla. She didn't like the cake my co-hostess made especially for her and neither of us felt very appreciated. We dug in and popped a bottle of wine before the shower got started and made dumb faces at each other every time we got bossed around or insulted. This whole debacle was actually good for me because I have no reason to let myself be taken advantage of anymore. It's obvious that I'm just a friend of convenience so I will have no problem declining babysitting requests in the future.

Anyway, back to the fabulous party.


Here are the party favors. It's a box with a package of microwave popcorn and the text says:

Momzilla's ready to POP!

Here's a treat
Give it a whirl
I'm ready to pop
With my baby girl

Thank you for sharing this special day with us!

Here is the dining room set up.
We did hors d'oerves so it wasn't a
sit-down meal. And my walls are a
deep red, doesn't show up correctly in pictures.




Finally, we had some munchies on the table
in my breakfast area. The bar setup was to
the right of the table in the picture below. The adorable cake was made by my co-hostess and Momzilla hated it and told my co-hostess so. Of course everyone else liked it. This is the cake we
wanted to write "Ungrateful Whore" on.











As I said above, everyone except for Momzilla approved and thought that we did a good job. This was one of the least-stressful events that I've had at this house so I guess I'm getting better at it.

Wine and Weight Loss

I have had too much wine this evening. I had not intended to imbibe this evening, but Momzilla was over here this morning nit picking, and as the time for the shower approached, I reached for the love in a bottle, Cabernet. I was able to smile through all the criticisms of the lovely shower and managed to not write "Ungrateful Whore" in frosting on the beautiful cake made by my co-host. It really was a good shower and everyone had a good time. I will be posting pictures and telling you what I did in case you ever need any event planning help.

Oh, I lost 4 lbs this week by doing Turbo Jam and eating a sensible diet.