Something to Make Me Skinny

This morning, I went to the bagel shop for a bagel and a coffee. I wandered next door to the health food store, which is oddly sandwiched between the bagel shop and a chocolate shop. Anyway, I walked in there with a big ass bagel and coffee intending to get some flax seed oil since my friend Ashley swears it will cleanse my colon critters and make my skin soft and supple. I'm all about being parasite free and supple, but unfortunately I'm forgetful and spacey because the moment Skinny Bitch behind the counter asked if she could help me I said, "Yeah, something to make me skinny that doesn't involve me getting rid of this bagel" so we started discussing diet pills and abandoned poor old flax seed oil. After I chose my bottle of diet pills, (I chose the one with the flames on the label. I'm a redneck, show me some flames and I'm sold, baby) I noticed the big display of colon cleansing products. I said, "Hey, do any of these release The Beast?" and believe it or not, she hadn't heard of The Beast. I filled her in and wrote down the name of the website so that she could check out the shit dragon and mega turd. She was telling me about a customer who got some of the mega cleansing stuff and shit out a 2-foot tapeworm. I would be in there wanting some hypnotherapy or something if I crapped out a 2-foot tapeworm. I would actually need psychotherapy for that one because I'm kind of wacky and my butt would itch for the rest of my life because no matter what, I'd be convinced that more worms were up there. Who am I kidding, my butt itches now.