You Poor, Gouty Bastards

I like to look at my StatCounter "Recent Keyword Activity" report, not because it helps me any but because it's really entertaining. Most of my "abnormal" traffic comes from people searching for information on gout. Last year, I got traffic from the lice situation and now I'm getting gout traffic. I'm going to end up being the Queen of Po'White Trash.

Since most of you gouty bastards are looking for a relative to hang this whole gout thing upon, I will post this handy Q&A I had with my Daddy. My disclaimer is that my Daddy is no doctor. He's a country boy afflicted with Jimmy Legs and the Gout, with a quack doctor who treats his ailments with V&V. That's a Valium and Vicodin cocktail. Normally washed down with Bud Lite from a can, about 8 of them.

Here goes. I'll set the scene for you. It's a Sunday evening. After all, that's when country girls who moved away from home call their Daddies to catch up on who died from what in the past week, and other important gossip.

Mama F.: Daddy, is the gout a big knot on the side of your foot?
Daddy: Yes, does Fidel have that?
Mama F.: No, I have that. Gout and Jimmy Legs. I wish you had passed your height gene to me instead of the gout and Jimmy Legs
Daddy: Damn, you have the Jimmy Legs, too?
Mama F.: Yes, and you already knew that. What do you take for the gout?
Daddy: Vicodin and Valium
Mama F.: Think back, what did your doctor do for you before they gave up and drugged you into submission?
Daddy: I think they gave me something to make me pee out the uric acid
Mama F.: Did that work?
Daddy: No, Bud Lite helped
Mama F.: I thought alcohol made it worse? What about diet?
Daddy: Oh hell, any damn thing you want to eat makes it worse. You'd starve to death if you didn't eat stuff that they say makes the gout worse

My friends, the above conversation pretty much sums up the gout. Basically, you're fucked. It's hereditary, anything you want to eat will make it worse and apparently it's linked to other ailments like Jimmy Legs and the crazy. Go crack yourself a Bud Lite, wear nothing but slippers and call it a day. I've found that if you speak with a good Southern accent, most people forgive your quirkiness and think it's part of the whole package.