Look, Bitch

For those of you who have known me for a while, you know that I swear by giving a "Look, bitch" every now and then. You know how there's someone getting on your nerves and you try to be nice and bite your tongue, all the while thinking about cutting them open and stomping on their guts? You shouldn't just ignore them. You have to give them a Look, bitch and then they will see that they are being arrogant or annoying or stupid, whatever they are doing to bug you out. I don't mean for you to start barking out obscenities at your coworkers or spouses. Sometimes I just give the one-raised-eyebrow look. Some good eye contact and a "don't fuck with me" expression is normally all it takes. Unfortunately, Fidel hasn't picked up on that in the 11 years that we have been married and I have to verbalize my displeasure for him to get the hint that he needs to zip it or have a plate or picture frame thrown at him. This morning he started in on me before I even got out of bed. I went to bed annoyed because he told me my crock pot roast was overcooked and woke up to him telling me I'm taking too long to get Tootie ready, blah blah blah. I'm not a morning person so I took about 3 minutes of this and screamed, "Do not start with me today" and that was that. It's been peaceful ever since. He's been in this critiquing mode here lately and it's getting on my nerves. I was chopping veggies in the kitchen one evening and he barked, "knuckles in" at me like he's Gordon Ramsay or something. I just called him a fucking donkey (also channeling GR), threw a spoon at him and screamed, "GET OUUTT". We do watch a lot of Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares. Watching that crap doesn't magically turn you into a chef any more than watching FitTV turns me into a skinny chick. He's got it going on with his grilling thing but I have been cooking for him for the past 11 years and I don't want the critiquing.